SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I think its a wonderful idea! Sounds like your DD is very loved.
My niece actually has a bedroom at our house. It used to be the guestroom for DHs family to stay when they visit, but it slowly converted into a kids room for my niece. Its been like this for 2 years and niece only actually stayed over once
We just moved her toys under the bed when the inlaws were here last time.

I think it’s a lovely idea! You DD is obviously very loved by the wider family.
I wouldn’t worry about them being able to afford more than you, in life your DD will come across people who have more and who have less, it shouldn’t be a competition between family

Awww, I think it's quite sweet. Your daughter is lucky to have such a lovely aunt. Her asking you makes me think she's being careful not to tread on your toes. And it would be nice for DD to have her own child friendly space there.

I think it's lovely , she is struggling to conceive and likes spending time with her niece saying no could really upset her unnecessarily. Use the little break for a night out knowing your daughter is having fun.

I'd say a polite no thanks it's too much and she only needs her own room at home as pps suggest, especially since you already find Sil and mil as a bit overbearing to you where dd is concerned.

YANBU
I have over bearing relatives (both by blood and in law) who try to do things like this, and undermine my parenting decisions and disrespect any and all boundaries. I've found anytime I've attempted a compromise, or given an inch, theyve taken a mile.
They'll then throw a strop about "only trying to gelp" or "having the kids best interests at heart" when in fact their actions are completely self serving and they go about them while completely disregarding every boundary I've set.

I think unless you've had that kind of over bearing, undermining, contradicting relationship with family members it's very hard to get your head around.

What's wrong with having a close bond with family member? What's wrong with more love? What's wrong with being spoiled a little? Nothing. As long as you understand that I am their parent and you are not. And that my children are not a novelty or a gimmick for you to play happy mummies with.

I would say to them - its seems a waste of money to splash out when she would only ever stay once every few months, but it is your house and I cant tell you what to do with it, personally I'd use it as a generic guest room.

I have a room for the DN who doesn’t live with me. It’s decorated exactly how he likes and when he doesn’t use it we use it as a spare office. Not sure what the harm in this is - DN doesn’t really stay (too young really) but when he’s over he does take his toys in there to play and will nap when his parents stay a bit late.

How fortunate your daughter is to be loved by so many people.
I loved my auntie so much and some of my happiest memories are of the holidays I spent with her.
When I became an adult she was the person I most wanted to see when I went back home, and I miss her still.
She never replaced my mum, in any way whatsoever, and it’s only been in recent years I realised that she poured her love into me after her still born twins.

Could you have a gentle talk with her and explain that it's a lovely idea, but you're worried how she would feel to then live with a perfect little girl's room that's empty most of the time?

She might love setting it up, but once your DD is home, I think it might break her heart even more to see it all sitting there, unused.

Hello would freeze over before my DC went to with someone who was overbearing and knew better than me what my DC liked and wanted. You feel uncomfortable for a reason and anyone who has had relatives who have taken a mile when offered an inch like pp said, would not entertain this. If she is overbearing now and thinks she knows your dd better than you, I can see the guilt tripping going on about "we spent all this money so we need her to stay a lot more often" no matter whether you the parents are happy about it or not

Wouldn't touch this with a 10 foot barge pole I'm afraid

The fact that she is telling you all about your own daughter would set off alarm bells for me. It's weird, and for that reason I wouldn't feel comfortable with this at all. Tell her politely thanks but no thanks.

I really don't think this is that weird. Would all the people saying she's overbearing say the same for Grandparents with a room set up? Because I don't see it as any different- it's family. But then there does seem to be a bit of a martyr complex on here...

I think it's a lovely thing for kids to have other people within the family who love them and want them to feel secure, and it's a great thing for parents if they ever want a night off or someone to rely on in an emergency.

As an Aunt to nephews on DH's side who stay with us every 2 months ish, we have a guest room set up for kids. We have space and I'd feel less happy taking them if I didn't have somewhere they could play and sleep. Perhaps I'm overbearing?! But the kids feel safe with us and that's been really useful in emergency situations in the past.

As an Aunt to nephews on DH's side who stay with us every 2 months ish, we have a guest room set up for kids.

Lots of people have guest rooms. That’s not what’s being proposed here. What’s being proposed is a room just for this one specific child, decorated to her style, for her exclusive use.

Surely you can see the difference?

My aunt couldn't have children so she "borrowed" me and sometimes I'd stay at her house but she also took me on holidays. It was lovely, we were very close. She is nearly 90 and has dementia and doesn't remember much. When I visit I wear a cardigan she knitted me before she was ill and she always says what a lovely cardigan and I tell her she made it and she is so proud of herself. My mother died some years ago and having an aunt I was close to was a comfort. I actually have alot of aunts, big Irish Catholic family, but my relationship with her is different.

You can't have too many people loving a child, if she is nice look on it as a blessing. It isn't confusing in my experience and I suspect my mother enjoyed the occasional break.

Ahh. It’s lovely. My grandparents decorated my dads old room for me and filled it with lovely things and I LOVED it. It’s still called my room to this day much to my dads disgust! 😂

My SIL is a very forceful person and is known to boss others around, even her own Mum has complained to me in confidence. We got on ok though until her struggle to get a suitable man and then the ensuing infertility and ivf failure and she totally lost her mind. Not in a weepy or depressed way but in an incredibly aggressive and everyone else had to suffer way. She was vile to everyone in her grief and rage. The times I had MIL crying down the phone was very upsetting. No one had suffered like her, her mate had breast cancer at the time but nope apparently the woman was ridiculous to be so upset when another mutual friend got cancer. Only you know your SIL, your question to others is difficult. I really think for some it would be a great idea but for me with my SIL that situation would have been a terrible idea because she absolutely would have tried to take over. I have been married before and my ex SIL is really nice, we only stay in touch via Christmas cards and not much as my ex is an arse and would give her grief. Now she is someone who would have done that with kindness and put her own pain aside. You mention they are overbearing so for that reason I don’t think it’s a good idea.

How lovely! What a great Auntie and Uncle! Lucky DD and lucky you.

Make sure they know how grateful you are for their kind support of your DD. Such a sweet idea.

I think it's a nice idea.

She's not going to become your DD's mother or "take over" because of a visit once a month or so. I think the fact your SIL has asked you first shows she has appropriate respect for your views. It would be lovely if your DD had a close relationship with her aunt and uncle.

It is odd and I would be concerned about SIL’s mental health.
A lovely guest room that anyone might use is completely different from a bedroom dedicated to a niece.

The key thing is she’s never had a sleepover with them before. So in creating a bedroom for her, they’re staking a claim, if you like, to have sleepovers in the future. That’s a bit weird.

I think it’s a bit much. On paper it sounds like a lovely idea, and I agree it’s great that your DD has so many people who care about her. But given your SIL has a habit of being overbearing and telling you what your daughter likes (implying she thinks she knows your DD better than you do) I’d be wary.

It also seems like a ridiculous expense and awful waste if it’s only going to be used a few times a year.

Are there any other children in her, or her husbands family? Perhaps you could suggest a guest room tailored to children but not specifically to your daughter.

I also echo concerns of other posters that your DD may be forgotten if/hopefully when they do have a baby of their own, and the possibility of her becoming more overbearing if that doesn’t happen. (I’m not saying that will happen, but there’s a history of her behaving in such a way already so I would think it’s more likely, than someone who hasn’t previously been overbearing). Plus the potential for her being spoilt, and wanting to go there more often because of that - causing you hurt - and SIL suggesting she stays the night regularly, as DD has a room, they spent lots of money doing up so it’s a shame she isn’t using it.

I would say it is fine if you have a close relationship and the type of child that would like to do this.

I have one dd and my sister had a dd and a ds. My nephew has autism (he’s 7 now) and my niece and my daughter are both 4. My niece and nephew have a bedroom at our house that they sleep in to give their mum time with each of them individually as well as a break from each other. They usually alternate once a month.

We don’t plan on having another child so had the spare rooms. I’m not their mum and not trying to be, but I am family and I want a close relationship with my niece and nephew as well as being in a position to allow my sister to have a date night or some time to herself too

What an absolutelty lovely sil.

I have a lovely aunt who did up one of her rooms for me when I were small. She had a giant old drafty pile and wanted us to have a space of my own there. I absolutely loved it. My parents used to ship me off to her house for a fortnight during the summer holidays, which I loved; it also meant that they could have some time off/spend some time together/not worry about childcare. Still close to her and she sends me exceptional facecare treats in the post on a regular basis.

I know exactly who my mother is. I beyond love her: she is my mother. I have never for a second been confused.

I should say that this aunt is my mother's SIL and they had very different approaches to childrearing. I am deeply grateful that my mother overlooked these differences to let me have the close relationship that I do with my aunt. It takes a village, and the more people we have to love, and who love us, the better.