SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

I think its lovely that her Aunt want's to do this, just try and dissuade her from going over the top with the decor, children grow quickly and their tastes change and as it will only be once or twice a month maybe you could suggest a more generic spare room, we have one for guests and grandchildren of both sexes and varying ages it's decorated in autumnal colours with forest animals very non gender, each grandchild feels its their own room and adult guests don't feel they are sleeping in a children's room.

My ex sil started to arrange a nursery at her house when I was expecting ds. I made it clear that he would never be using it & it stayed unused until her own ds's gave her grandchildren 7 years later.

I think it's a lovely idea.

But then when I was pregnant, I felt my daughter was being born in to my whole family, rather than just "belonging to" myself and my husband.

I really like the idea of children being close with all of their relatives.

Plus you have a voluntary babysitter...

As someone with a SIL who has only made the effort to see my children a handful of times in 5 years, I am inclined to think that the love and attention bestowed on your daughter from an interested and attentive aunt can only be a good thing. Only you know the specifics of how ‘overbearing’ she is and I’m sure that influences your response. But having experienced the sadness of infertility myself, I can well imagine the pain your SIL is living with daily. It is to her credit that she channels that into her relationship with your daughter, a love which must at times be bittersweet. Would you prefer the alternative that she couldn’t face seeing your daughter and the family you have created - one which she no doubt craves for herself. I remember the desire to ‘nest’ despite having no baby to nest for, and honestly it was gut wrenching. Her wish to decorate a room for your daughter is just an extension of that, and if it gives her some pleasure and an outlet for those maternal instincts and desires, I would allow her that. She is never going to replace you as a mother, and you can put in place your own boundaries around sleepovers etc, but to my mind the more love and attention and nurturing for your daughter the better. There are so many children out there lacking in the most basic nurture and affection, how lucky your daughter is to have it in such abundance.

I do understand the trials of overbearing inlaws, genuinely, but even if, as a pp suggested, your SiL is trying to ‘play at mummies’ - is that really so bad? It is an utter privilege to parent and easy to forget in the thick of broken sleep etc, but it is. And it would be an act of real kindness to put your reservations aside and let your SIL share in some of the joy your daughter brings you.

Just my two pennies worth!

I would not be happy about that at all.
YANBU
She doesn't need a room set aside for her to have the odd sleepover.

It's lovely.
My ds had a room at my DF.
Lots of things he recognised from a young age. It's now being re decorated for DD2 as ds rarely stays there. Dd stays 2 nights pm.

It just feels a bit weird... I suspect their plan to have her every so often, every other month will turn into them asking for her more regularly since "she has her own room, may as well use it!"

My eldest niece first born grandchild has a bedroom in her family home, one in her nannys, one in my well off sisters house she is 17, she decorated the one in Dsis house.

She probably is seeing it as a chance to decorate a child's room due to her difficulty conceiving. I don't see a problem with that. I actually think that it's a really lovely idea, esp as she's struggling to conceive. It sounds as though she has a lot of love to give to her niece.

I think the real issue is the sil is overbearing, and tells you what your daughter likes. Stay clear this has got disaster written all over it.

I think your SIL sounds lovely.

But if you're a bit unsure about this, you could always suggest just doing up their spare room in 'child orientated' way, rather than actually making it your DD's.

As an aside, I think it's a bit insulting that some people have jumped to the conclusion that because they've not managed to have kids of their own so far, they're trying to 'take over' yours.

That seems to be a pretty common assumption when an adult (particularly a woman), shows extra interest in a child or children but can't or hasn't had any of her own.

My daughter and my nephew have their own rooms at grandmas house. Far more time/effort/money put into decorating than at home cos I can’t afford it. They LOVE their bedrooms there, but home is home and it’s still me they want when they are upset etc. We now permanently have a spare bed in my girls room for my god daughter...I’m not stepping on anyone’s toes, it just makes sense as she stays over at least twice a month if not more. Be happy that someone else also loves and cares for your daughter and enjoy the odd night off!

I’d be extremely weirded out, but I’d say to her to go ahead with whatever she wanted to do in her home, after all it doesn’t mean the dc would ever actually stay there, but if it made her feel better, fair enough.

I vote for 'weird'

OP - I know you didn't mean this in your post (at least I didn't get that vibe), so please don't take offence … but this is more of a response to the people in this post who makes a dig at your SIL's fertility issues and come up with some sinister story to her offer.

People who doesn't have kids (single or people who have fertility issues) doesn't always sit around in sadness and envy when they look at your kids and secretly hope it is theirs...

We don't always try to have a relationship with your kids because they are some sort of replacement to something we never can have … or we are playing mummy for them.

This is a very mean view …. They are our relatives, nieces and nephews and sometimes they are our friends kids….

It is ok to love the kids in your family …. It isn't sinister …. there is nothing to be suspicious about.

I think it's wonderful.

What is it 'taking over' she's not making decisions on your child's life, future, education, and she's certainly not trying to be her Mum.

Let your child be loved by her and benefit from a loving Aunt who wants to dote on her.

You're always going to be the Mum

Sounds nice but it is a little strange if she’s never had her to stay before. Not sure how I’d feel about that one!

Territorial mumsnet. Biological mothers are the only women allowed in a child's life. Any other woman who wants to be involved is a weirdo who's disrespecting the womb. How dare a woman who can't have kids try to show some interest in her own niece. She's a BABYSNATCHER.

Has your DD not stayed before because there was no room at the old house? What’s their relationship like normally? Is she a doting aunt or is this completely out of the blue.

If it’s out of the blue and this is a new thing YANBU and frankly it would be weird. But if she’s been generally doting, kind and loves her niece then you’re being a little unreasonable.

I have a friend who would dearly love to have children, but has numerous medical problems what mean it’s not going to happen. She loves to spoil her nieces, and they are her world. The nieces adore her and as they have become teens the relationship has shifted into them becoming close friends.

I think it’s really lovely, my SIL couldn’t care less about my DD not sure she’s ever voluntarily spoken to her, let alone offered to have a sleepover.

A friend of mine had a similar situation.

Aunt and Uncle very involved in her daughters life from toddler age: room at their house, days out, generous gifts etc. Aunt and Uncle didn’t have their own children for various reasons.

This went on for years, then around 11 daughter entered that awkward stage -wants to be around peers rather than Aunt and Uncle. It all got very difficult as Aunt and Uncle were complaining to her parents that she was rude and ungrateful, trying to get them to intervene, fix things...parents just felt it was a normal stage. The result was seriously strained relationships all round with the daughter being made to feel guilty/selfish/ungrateful for pretty normal behaviour.

I think parents are pretty well prepared for their children seeking some social independence from them. The job of parenting until that point is pretty relentless. So while it;s bittersweet when they first start deciding you aren’t cool enough to be around...it’s also a bit of relief. Whereas interested Aunts and Uncles don’t get to adapt as gradually, or the relief pay off and it just becomes a sudden rejection causing all kinds of waves.

So I think I’d say:

So kind but please don’t do that. I’m sure she’ll be very comfortable with however you chose to decorate a guest room, but children are fickle and we have no idea if she’ll enjoy staying away from home/how often or how long that might go on for...children change their minds every 5 minutes!

I think it's a lovely thing to do and a great thing for your little one, both for her independence and building a close aunt / niece relationship.

I genuinely can't see any negatives.

It’s a bit weird and I’d feel uncomfortable. Sounds like the sort of thing my sil would do. She’s already started to take over dd’s birthday parties

How lovely to have an aunt who adores you. And fun for the aunt to decorate a girls bedroom. I think I some people on here are a little dramatic and mean.

Kids need as many people as possible on their “team”. I think my relationship with my aunt has been one of the most important and fulfilling in my life. Never, however, did I confuse her with my mother. She can’t “take over”, she just wants to have a relationship with your child - which can be good for them both.

could there be some kind of compromise, make a general kids room that's more of a playroom with a day bed in there to be used for sleepovers? Then it can be used for others, isn't specifically your DD's room and if they so manage to conceive then there is already a playroom ready in the house?