SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

[Nik101]

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

@whatdoyouthinkyouknow

My sister did this for my daughter, they were in a similar position. Many years later it has been a blessing. She has another loving place to go, if I'm ill or want a quiet holiday she will happily go to stay.

Occasionally she will try to play us off against each other but all of the adults communicate well.

It's a real blessing, although I remember feeling a bit like you do now when it all started many years ago.

That's all rather lovely. But the OP isn't happy with it. The SIL is stepping over the line massively. She needs to back off. This little girl is not her daughter.

My eldest has done this for my middle DD's daughter. She didn't start to stay until she was 4. My DD has another and she won't stay until she's around 4 (if at all). It's nice for the child to have that relationship with wider family.

Nope! Also, my DD would NEVER stay there. She’s trying to play “mummies” with your DD
What a really horrible and sad attitude

Everybody's situation is different and nobody can judge you, OP, for feeling what you're feeling.

I always had a problem with my son going back home to me after staying over with friends or his aunt. He never wanted to leave, because it was always more fun than at home. And he would always mention how other people give him more than me (he just couldn't understand that people treat him for one day, whereas I did everything else for him). It only started sinking in at about 11 years old.

He's the youngest nephew, so he was dotted on by his aunt (he was abandonned by his father, her brother, and I guess she somehow felt responsible) and her 2 children and stepson. It was great for my son. He loved his older cousin and his aunt's stepson. Now, his aunt separated, so the nice stepson is out of the picture. The aunt's son got a gfriend pregnant at a very young age, so he's now busy with his family and the aunt is busy with her granddaughter. So they no longer have time for my son. It's very understandable, but sad for my son as he loved them.
So I would thread carefully. Those people who mention beautiful memories had their aunts/uncles involved always, they wouldn't be saying this if they got "replaced" so to speak.

And being told what your child likes is annoying. I have an overbearing SD who tells me what to do with my toddler and it drives me crazy. I already thought about separating with my DP, but one of the reasons that make me work harder at my relationship is imagining SD playing mommy with my todder.

And my own childless sister got sometimes overinvolved with my son, going against me in front of me. He feels loved by her, but it's not nice for me. Sometimes other people loving our kids comes with a price.

I wouldn't prevent my child from getting love from his extended family, but I would absolutely control it.

Also, my DD would NEVER stay there.
She’s trying to play “mummies” with your DD. I understand she might be desperately sad not to have her own family, but she could try fostering or adoption or other means at having her own biological children.

Christ there are some insular, possessive people about.
A nice aunt would like to be hospitable to her lovely niece.
She's probably intelligent enough to remember whose womb OP's DD sprang from, & a sleepover once every month or 2 is scarcely kidnapping.

"Hoi you! Stop being nice to My Kid! Go & foster one instead!"
Said nobody, ever.

It takes a village to raise a child @Clangus00.
Try not to smother your girl with your sense of ownership of her.

Yes, Sibbles but VERY looks much better in capital letters than A LITTLE.

Why are people going out of their way to try and vilify the aunt when the OP clearly thinks she's a nice person with good intentions?

@Sibbles

If you are going to quote stuff to try and support your argument, at least post the whole post. Don't just cherry pick the bits that suit you.

The OP SAID...

"My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc."

So yeah she did say a LITTLE overbearing, but she also said she keeps telling her what her daughter likes, and what she likes to do...

And from what I can make out from the OP's first post, the OP's MIL is just as bad.

Definitely alarm bells ringing, and I would be restricting visits.

I think your dd is lucky. No kids have no invested extended family. Mil and fill both still fit and healthy and see my kids two days a n adverage and some years never. My bill doesn't like kids so my kids have never been to my sisters house for tea or lunch. They cant have kids and tbh I think they avoid us because they cant handle kids. My mum.lives 80 miles away and is cantankerous. Dh brother lives abroad.

If it's just once every few months it not trying to replace you. If its decking out a room with all the trimmings then just raise your concerns that's a bit ott

SIL having own baby eventually and your DD being "rejected"

Why, @Howdidido?
If you have more than one child, did you "reject" your first born when the next one came along?

Human hearts have space to love more than one person, & in many different ways.

God no!

The fact that she is over bearing would ring massive alarm bells. Your daughter will know how much they have spent on her too and will feel indebted, even at an early age.

They are buying a piece of your daughter.

I’d say absolutely not. Good relationships need good boundaries. If your daughter is to have a relationship with this over bearing aunt she needs help having one where she has the right to say no and being piled on gifts sets up expectations.

will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc

This is the part that stands out to me. Who does t?!

That*

@Anuter77

I wouldn't prevent my child from getting love from his extended family, but I would absolutely control it.

Absolutely THIS, ^

They are buying a piece of your daughter.

Codswallop.

If you are going to quote stuff to try and support your argument, at least post the whole post. Don't just cherry pick the bits that suit you.

Until op comes back, you can't jump to that, she didn't say how frequently or anything, I will take her opinion of her being a LITTLE overbearing over someone who isn't acting ridiculously dramatic, until she says otherwise.

*is

@Warmfirechocolate

God no!

The fact that she is over bearing would ring massive alarm bells. Your daughter will know how much they have spent on her too and will feel indebted, even at an early age.

They are buying a piece of your daughter.

I’d say absolutely not. Good relationships need good boundaries. If your daughter is to have a relationship with this over bearing aunt she needs help having one where she has the right to say no and being piled on gifts sets up expectations.

All of this too. It's so many shades of weird and disturbing what the OP's SIL is doing/attempting to do.

No WAY would I be standing for this.

I can understand the way you feel but I also think it's a nice idea. I'd just let her get on with it.

They are using your daughter to make up for what they are missing in their own lives.

What a nasty, small-minded sentiment.
They're as much aware of the fact that OP's DD is not their child as you are, @WarrenNicole.
Have you been watching too many bunny-boiler thrillers or something? Why would you assign such selfish & sinister motives to this little girl's own relatives? They are not "using" her, they simply want to spend time with her.
FFS, they are FAMILY.
They are offering love, (& babysitting!). What's wrong with that?

Sounds lovely to me. No need for your daughter to stay until/unless she's ready. If they're cool with that then it's just a potentially lovely treat for your daughter

@messolini9 Actually that does happen if it’s not your own child.
My sister absolutely doted on my ds but then she had her dd ,11 months later and hardly spent any time with my ds .
I didn’t begrudge her for it , it’s just what happens when you have your own child , it’s not the same as having a second child at all

And I’m speaking as someone who does have an overbearing SIL.

I was glad she was being nice. However my child is very vulnerable, and I slowly noticed she was honing in on my child more than others.

Then DH and I had a rough patch, we separated for a short time. he told his sister, and she started to take our child every time DH had her. By encouraging him to go to her house, buying all the toys, cooking for DH. It actually sent shivers down me and later I found out she’d been manipulating our child, and putting me down constantly in her presence, and was angling for DH and her to co parent on his weekends.

So...

You know, people are over bearing because they want to dominate. That’s something to watch. It’s not kindness, it’s taking over. A child needs secure relationships, not being pulled and manipulated with gifts.

I’d tell your SIL in no uncertain terms OP that they are not to make a room for your DD. Say bluntly that it would confuse DD, because it would. It would be putting psychological pressure on her to think of her aunties home as her home as much as yours, and to think of auntie as more a parent.

If you want that it works, long term, then fine. However the potential for her to have two women vying for mummy status is not good for your daughter.

I would politely decline as its confusing for your daughter.

????

Yeah, It is SO confusing for a child to be loved by their extended family.
Seal her in a box immediately, & let her out ONLY if her parents are the sole people in the room.
Don't want to go confusing her by letting her experience other people.

HNTFT but yes, I think you are overreacting . You will always be your DD's mum and as such you are irreplaceable. So any is not warranted, honestly. I would give my eye-teeth for any respite/babysitting, knowing my child would be as loved as yours will be. It is lovely they are doing that for her, it really is. It is also nice for you to have a break and nice for your kid to have a cool auntie and nice for your brother and SIL to have your child over and then be able to give her back Really, any reaction other than How lovely! is just insecurity which is not needed as you and her Dad are the most important in her life. Now go and plan a date night!

Just my two pennies worth!
& a very sound investment they are @Puddlelane123 - what a lovely post.