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Original poster

SIL making bedroom for my Daughter

336 replies

Nik101 · 12/02/2020 16:51

Hi All,
Fully prepared to be told I'm being over the top but thought I'd ask for other people's opinions.

My SIL is great, she's a really lovely person, always offering to help etc however can be a little overbearing along with MIL at times, and will tell me what my Daughter (3) likes to do & how she likes things etc.

She has just purchased a really big 5 bedroom house with her partner and has asked if they can make a room for my Daughter.

My Daughter has never stayed with her previously, however I'm certainly not against her staying over every other month or so.

They have a lot of money and would be able to put together a really nice bedroom for my Daughter, however it makes me feel a little bit sick and anxious to think of someone else doing this for her and almost a bit like they are "taking over". However not sure if it just me over thinking. They have also been trying for a baby for about 5 years and unfortunately it hasn't happened, and I suppose a small part of me is worried that she would like to act as if she is a parent etc and knows it's unlikely she will ever get the opportunity to do our rooms for her own children.

Am I just being silly and over thinking or should I leave her to it?

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 12/02/2020 19:08

Also, @Really123456, that is a deeply weird worldview.

Ooomph, some people really do hate the childless.

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 19:10

A lovely guest room that anyone might use is completely different from a bedroom dedicated to a niece She has 5 bedrooms and no children so she can have 3 lovely guest rooms and a room for niece.

saraclara · 12/02/2020 19:10

So kind but please don’t do that. I’m sure she’ll be very comfortable with however you chose to decorate a guest room, but children are fickle and we have no idea if she’ll enjoy staying away from home/how often or how long that might go on for...children change their minds every 5 minutes!

I think that's a good thing to say. You could suggest that your daughter helps them decorate a spare room that she uses if she stays, but not make it 'her' room. Because of course there might be other nephews and nieces at some point!

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 19:11

It takes a village, and the more people we have to love, and who love us, the better. Hallelujah to that.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 12/02/2020 19:13

We stayed with our aunt who couldn't have children she had a room for me and my sister, she never took over from my mother. I have such lovely fond memories of her, sadly she is no longer here.

SpaceDinosaur · 12/02/2020 19:16

She asked. She didn't unveil a beautiful room for your DD as a "surprise" she asked you,

I'd say yes. If they're local enough, have a good relationship with you and your husband and your daughter then say yes.

At three I'm guessing they've babysat for DD before and spent time with her alone? How wonderful that they want to offer her a room in their home and how lovely that they won't to be involved in her life.

Of course, the first few times she stays over you'll be in another spare room with DH to ensure she settles and is ok but how fortunate your DD has so many people who love her.

Nobody can tell you how to parent your kid. No means no. Your instructions are law and anyone disregards you as mother, well, loses DD. She goes home or, if you discover after the event, both resulting in she doesn't return until an adequate and genuine apology is forthcoming.

You have all the cards and all the power. You are in a strong position.

Skysblue · 12/02/2020 19:21

Hm. Your DD is three. My child is seven and hasn’t stayed overnight anywhere without me yet, and he wouldn’t want to for at least a couple more years. Is the intent that DD would use the bedroom when you are also staying, or stay alone? I worry for you that once the room has been created there will be pressure for DD to stay alone asap and fairly regularly. She may not want to! You may not want her to!

There is also something desperately sad about an infertile couple putting a child’s bedroom in their house. Walking past the silent door, peering in at the empty child bed etc. It feels unhealthy for them somehow. (I’ve spent 6 yrs struggling with infertility and it hurts every time I look at the door to our empty spare room).

A general guest room with loads of child stuff available = cool. A room set up specifically for an absent child doesn’t feel healthy for an infertile couple.

I don’t hate the idea but it doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s because the invitation seems to be to your DD without the rest of you.

Rezie · 12/02/2020 19:29

In my mind "make a room for her" sound like daughter would be picking up colours and the room would be specifically hers. Unless there is an a agreement where she will be staying there a lot , it is over the top. A guestroom appropriate for kids where daughter can stay, that's all cool. I'm all for family being involved I daughter's life and being close but this is a lot.

Sibbles · 12/02/2020 19:29

I have actually been the child in an identical situation to this, I had a room in my Aunt and Uncle's house growing up, I found out only in the last couple of years, that they were unable to have children. IT was lovely, I have such fond memories of them doting on me, having fun, taking me on trips, in the same way as my grandparents. It takes a village and all that, another person loving your child and showing them kindness is always a good thing. If it gets too much further down the line you can always stop it, I don't think you should stop it before its even begun though.

OverByYer · 12/02/2020 19:33

What a lovely thing to do. It sounds like they really love your daughter. No one can have too much love

kiki22 · 12/02/2020 19:33

My kids have their own room at their nana's house and my mums both are used as a spare room but decorated for ds's. I think its lovely I honestly find mn goes on the possessive side with kids I'm much more your a member of this family or even friends group blend with them not this is MY child stay behind the line. I do respect people who prefer to keep their children only close to them but for me their can never be to many people who love my kids I want them to build lots of healthy relationships which they have and their has never once been any confusion in who mummy is.

littlealexhorne · 12/02/2020 19:34

I think its really lovely for children to be close to their extended family, and it can be great once they get older for them to turn to for advice about things they might not feel comfortable discussing with parents.

Usesomecaution · 12/02/2020 19:41

The number of people on this thread that think this is somehow ‘ weird’ or ‘freaky’ is really rather alarming.

Shinycat · 12/02/2020 19:41

@Nik101 YANBU at ALL. What a weird and bizarre thing to do. Tell SIL to do one!

TickTockBaby · 12/02/2020 19:43

I think it does sound a bit over bearing, sleeping in a spare room is fine but a specific room for her in another's houses? Confused

Tbh I think the only thing you need to consider as her mum is if it makes you uncomfortable or unhappy then declining is perfectly acceptable.

TroysMammy · 12/02/2020 19:43

Perhaps she's only thinking of having a child's bedding set and a few toys she can play with when she's there. My neice has never stayed over with her childless Auntie because 1) she wouldn't stay in her own bed at home and 2) my spare room is crammed with my crafting stuff and she'd have to sleep on a put-me-up amongst my crafting chaos.
Even if I did have space I wouldn't want to keep her. Too much hard work.

scubaprincess · 12/02/2020 19:45

What a lovely gesture. Children can never be surrounded with too much love and clearly they love your DD very much. It's only a room that they want to make comfortable for her so she can stay over. Where's the harm in that?! As others have said just make sure they know she'll only be staying occasionally to try and limit the cost for them but if at the end of the day they can and want to spend it then let them.

Candyfloss99 · 12/02/2020 19:46

Sorry but my niece has a room in my house. She stays whenever she wants, about once a week. I'm certainly not trying to "mummy" her. I "aunty" her. Why do people think everyone is trying to steal their children instead of being a trusted relative to them??

Papoy · 12/02/2020 19:50

The number of people on this thread that think this is somehow ‘ weird’ or ‘freaky’ is really rather alarming

Yes, some ppl think you can love kids only if your own womb is working... If it doesn't, then being interested in your own niece and nephews are weird and you must even have some mental health problems....

Shinycat · 12/02/2020 19:59

No matter what people say or think, the OP (the little girl's MOTHER,) is not OK with this.

So, like it or not, it's not OK! Hmm

Also, if people bothered to read the OP's original post properly, it's pretty clear that the SIL is VERY overbearing.

Alarm bells galore... It's sad that the SIL has not managed to conceive yet, but trying to take over someone else's child is really not the answer... I would be limiting the amount of times she sees my daughter if I were you @Nik101

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 20:07

Lots of us who grew up in this situation seem to have had very positive experiences.

I think it is very positive for children to have experience staying with relatives/friends. Just think if you are ever ill or in an accident and the first time your child is away from home is an emergency, would make a traumatic situation that much worse.

1forsorrow · 12/02/2020 20:09

Shinycat maybe the FATHER is OK with it. I can use capitals too.

Shinycat · 12/02/2020 20:14

@1forsorrow

If BOTH parents are not happy with it, then that's NOT good enough.

whatdoyouthinkyouknow · 12/02/2020 20:17

My sister did this for my daughter, they were in a similar position. Many years later it has been a blessing. She has another loving place to go, if I'm
ill or want a quiet holiday she will happily go to stay.

Occasionally she will try to play us off against each other but all of the adults communicate well.

It's a real blessing, although I remember feeling a bit like you do now when it all started many years ago.

I think the more close loving relationships a child can have, the better, especially in teenage years.

Sibbles · 12/02/2020 20:19

Also, if people bothered to read the OP's original post properly, it's pretty clear that the SIL is VERY overbearing.

I read the op, she said her sil is a lovely person and can be a little overbearing.

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