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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:08

I suppose 'giving money' was the wrong title really. Should be 'spending money on DC and not Step DC'.

OP posts:
getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 14:10

depends on your set up IMO - if you all live together i think it would be a bit mean to give to one and not the other.

If they stay with you EOW or similar, finances arent joint etc then no i dont think its unreasonable to just give to your daughter.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 12/02/2020 14:10

I was all for saying YABU but I kind of don't think you are. You're basically having a girly day. If you step dc were girls maybe it would be different. I don't know. Maybe I'm out of order too but I think it's ok.

Batqueen · 12/02/2020 14:12

Presumably your SDC have a mother who treats them to things?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 12/02/2020 14:12

No YANBU.

legalseagull · 12/02/2020 14:12

I agree with @getyourarseoffthequattro

If they live with you, it's very harsh and would make them feel very left out. If they don't, then presumably they get nice days out with their mum and you have somewhat seperate lives

Musicalstatues · 12/02/2020 14:12

I think that sounds fine and not unreasonable at all. You can’t share everything and if it’s enough to cover a day out shopping it clearly is not that much money. I don’t see why it would even need to be mentioned to your stepsons.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 12/02/2020 14:12

YANBU. He can take his sons out for a treat when you take DD. It can be like a girls/boys day out thing.

Twinklebinkletoes · 12/02/2020 14:13

It depends. What are the kids ages? Do the step DC live with you? What sort of relationship do you have with them?

If they are similar in age and live with you, then yes you must retreat them fairly. They are part of your family, regardless if they are step children and they shouldn’t be left out.

If they are older than DD (they are teenagers and she’s 5 for example) and wouldn’t be bothered with a day out, why don’t you do the day trip with DD and maybe get them a little treat while you are shopping with DD? Just a little something you’d know they’d like so they know you’re thinking about them? That way they wouldn’t feel left out or like DD is the ‘favorite’

Waveysnail · 12/02/2020 14:13

Do you live togther? Ages of kids? Amount of money? What do you plan to buy her? Kind see husbands point as he has three children but only treating one

Whynosnowyet · 12/02/2020 14:14

Imo it's insulting to the relationship with your dd to not be 'allowed' to treat her differently. Imo how far do you take the keeping dc the same? For example my ds has size 11 feet - his trainers cost ridiculous amounts of money. Dd has size 5 and are cheaper. Should I give her the balance so I spend the same? In families with non dsc they aren't all the same so why tip toe around with blended ones?

Spied · 12/02/2020 14:14

I think it's fine to take DD out and buy her a few treats as part of your day but I'd probably pick- up a small treat for each of the other dc whilst we were out.

JRUIN · 12/02/2020 14:15

YANBU.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:15

I think the fact that it's money I've received rather than family savings etc... Make me think it's okay to choose what I'd like to do with it. It's not a huge amount of money so really want make a tonne of difference whether it's in our joint account or not but to my DD it would be a lovely day out and a chance to be a little spoilt which she doesn't usually get. As I said, if my H wants to take my stepsons out for the day that's up to him and I'm happy for him to do so but I want to be able to treat my DD on her own this once.

The boys are with us 2-3 days a week. Don't get me wrong they are great, get on fabulously with them both and I do love them. They wouldn't even have to know really that I'd had a day out with DD when they were with their mum.

My DD has had a rough time recently at school and I want her to feel special for the day.

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 12/02/2020 14:16

yanbu. You would be absolutely right to spend all on her. Their mother spends just on them right?

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:17

Kind see husbands point as he has three children but only treating one

He isn't treating any of them technically. I am. I've already said he can do the same with his sons if he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:18

I remember growing up have dad & daughter days out for example where my dad would take me out and my brother would stay home and then other times where my mum would have a mum/son day out etc... I guess I just saw it as normal.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 12/02/2020 14:19

Not even slightly unreasonable! They have a mum to treat them.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 14:19

YANBU. I wouldn't even have told DH that I received the money. DH and I have separate savings accounts as well as a joint one, he has no idea how much I have in savings.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:19

And no it's not a huge amount as PP said. Couple of hundred pounds. The rest was used to pay off our credit card which again wasn't a huge amount but worth doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:20

I guess if I'm honest I would just really enjoy a day out with just my DD. I'm not saying DH has to come along. But I would like spending time with just her doing something fun and I know she would too.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 12/02/2020 14:21

It’s fine, being fair and equal doesn’t mean being exactly the same all the time. I have 4 kids and 3 step kids and I am perfectly able to spend time/money on things any of them need when I want, safe in the knowledge that they are treated with the same respect and love.

Your DD has had a hard time of late, a little pick me up is perfectly ok.

Wigglewaggle01 · 12/02/2020 14:24

Ask DH if the DSC's mother will pay for your DD to go on the next day out she does with the DSC and see what he says.
If it has to be fair for the DSC then it should be fair for your DD and their mother shouldn't spread anything on them she doesn't speak on yours.

Sparkle567 · 12/02/2020 14:24

Treat your daughter. Your husband is being a twat.

lilyheather1 · 12/02/2020 14:24

Can you get the boys a treat each even if they don't come along to the day out with you? If it was just your DD then I'd say fair enough but seeing that her dad is your partner and therefore these boys are also her half siblings, I think in the interest of family equality the boys should get a little something too.