Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

Can your husband honestly say he doesn't have Dad and Sons times when it's just him and his boys doing stuff you and your daughter don't particularly want to participate in? In which case, isn't it perfectly normal for you and your daughter to have a Mum and Daughter day alone together doing stuff the males aren't particularly interested in?

Ffs sake your dh making it a family day means he is actually treating your dd differently, she misses out on a mother/daughter day because he is projecting some sort of guilt or making some sort of a stupid point. No way, put your foot down. Even if the boys were yours it is absolutely fine to do things with kids individually, not everything needs to a family fucking outing. Honestly this would seriously piss me off, I'd go as far as to say it would be a dealbreaker for me, no way would I not being doing stuff with my daughter because of some hang up my dh had

Hopefully your SS's have had a nice days out with their mum so I think YANBU to have a nice day out with your DD.

If the boot was on the other foot and it was your DH that wanted to spend the money on just one of his children then I think that would be unreasonable as your DD and SS's each have different mothers but share the same father so should be treated absolutely equally by him.

I think perhaps he is viewing this situation from his position as parent to all three of the DC's and is not appreciating that your position is slightly different to his. It's clear from your post that you dearly love your SS's and have a lovely relationship with them.

Do those who think the OP should treat all the DCs think the ex wife should treat her daughter?

Thought not- but your ridiculous logic leads to that conclusion.

YANBU at all. Have a lovely day with your DD!

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes

It doesn’t matter if you took her to Disney for a month. She’s your daughter and it’s your money.

Nah, that's not fairness your DH is preaching, it's just nit-picking. When ours lived at home, we would combine and recombine in different ways with our 3 DC depending largely on their interests at the time. Nobody missed out, nobody was calculating or keeping score at the back of their mind and happy memories were built. DH and DD1 are both arty, so they had a day trip to the Clore and she was bought watercolours from Cornelissen's. Another time DD2 and I would have a city day out with shopping and lunch. DS got a top notch bike because he loved cycling and his DS s didn't.

Say to your DH, the others' turns will come and have come. I'm spending this particular bit of time and money with DD this time. If he still makes a thing of it, tell him you'll just pop the money in your account and spend it on something nice just for yourself when you feel like it.

Equal doesn't mean identical!

I wouldn’t create a blended family if I was unwilling to make compromises like this

But as I say, I wouldn't even see it as a problem if the boys were mine to be honest. H has a 'boys' day and I'd have a 'girls' day. Think kids should all get to have individual time sometimes personally.

Treat your daughter! maybe suggest your DH takes the boys to the cinema as a treat, that ways everybody is having a treat but your daughter gets a nice girly day with her mum and the boys a lovely day with their Dad. Win win! Do they boys want to go shopping?

YANBU. Just do it on a day that your DSS are not there and don't make a bit deal of it.

I can sort of understand your DH's 'our family' mentality, but in the end it's your money. And I daresay it's easier for him to feel 'our family' because all 3 kids are his. 🤷🏼‍♀️

YANBU. You are allowed to treat your daughter. The 3 do not have to be treared 100% equally all of the time. The DSC have a mum to treat them.

I treat my DCs individually and they are both mine. Different children like different activites and I enjoy 1 to 1 time with each of them. It's no big deal.

If you wanted your child to be different and special you should have married someone without a family already I think that's a nasty thing to say. My stepson lives with us most of the time. All children are treated equally but that doesn't mean they have to do exactly the same thing at the same time. Me and my partner will often take the one of the boys out alone if it isn't the other one's cup of tea. I took my stepson swimming the other day because he wanted to go so we spent some quality time together. My son has asked to go to soft play this weekend which ss doesn't like so we'll be doing that together. I imagine it will be the same for the baby as she gets older. DP loves the 1 to 1 time too.

You're having a mother-daughter day.

Enjoy it.

Let your DH take the boys on a dads-lads day out.

Fetchit

But there’s just this one pot of extra money to go round, yes? So it’s not like you’re saying, “Here, DH, take your boys for a boys’ day and I’ll take DD.” You’re treating her and they are missing out. I believe that’s wrong. And you did ask!

And I daresay it's easier for him to feel 'our family' because all 3 kids are his

This is how I feel to be honest. Am I really awful for occasionally wanting to spend the day with just my one child? It is different isn't it? Not to say I don't love the boys because I do, but my DD is my baby and I do occasionally want to be able to do things with her on our own. Like I say I'd never make DH come without his boys as they are all his children but I do feel it's different sometimes for me. Maybe I'm wrong.

Absolutely no issue - all children benefit from one on one time whether a blended family or full siblings.

Treating the three children fairly does not mean treating them identically.

I wouldn’t create a blended family if I was unwilling to make compromises like this The majority of blended family life is compromising. That's why 1 to 1 time is so lovely.

YANBU. You've already contributed to the family by paying off the credit card debt with your money. I'm guessing some of the CC debt would be from spending on DH and DSCs also.
What little you are left with should be spent on what you want.
Have a great day with your DD sounds like both of you need it.

Of course it’s fine. They’re don’t even live with you full time; it’s not like you’ll be skipping off with your dd leaving them with their noses pressed against the window.
I imagine they get their fair share of treats when they’re with their mum.

No, I've said DH can happily spend his own money on taking out his sons if he wants. I'd like to spend the little bit extra I received this month on DD. He can do what he wants with his money. We have joint accounts yes but we have personal ones too. If he wanted to take the boys out to the cinema one time, no problem.

Treat your DD.
It isn't the fairest system with blended families. I think it is very important your first born has special days to look back on.
I notice friends with step DC or 2nd partner DC their first child who is resident usually with mam loses out.

YANBU OP and I say this as a first wife. I don't expect my DS's stepmum to always take him on days out and spend money on him. DS is my child and my ex's child and he is our responsibility.

Of course she does do things for him and buys him things which is lovely but it's not something I think she SHOULD do.

If the children were full blood siblings, a mum and daughter day would be perfectly alright. No one would have their feelings hurt. They’d all see it as a girls day out and understand they are still loved equally.

But because the child going is your only blood child, and the two not going are your step children- their perception may be that they are being excluded because you don’t consider them to be your children too. So your husband is not unreasonable to worry about how these two children will perceive and feel about why they are excluded. You can tell them it’s because it’s a “girls day out” until you are blue in the face but these boys may deep inside think it’s just a cover story for “youre not my kid, but she is so she gets a treat because I love her the most.”

Because it’s a blended family, it’s more complicated and feelings are more easily hurt. Even innocent things like your proposed day out can cause lasting resentment and emotional damage to a child who feels left out and lesser than a half sibling.

If I were you. I think I would include the two boys somehow or set aside say 1/4th of the money for a cheaper but just as fun activity with them. It’s one of those things where it’s the thought and the effort that matters more than the money spent per head.

YANBU.
I had a partner who tried to stopped me from treating my children when his child wasn't present - my argument was that then his dc got more treats / quality time with loved ones than mine as his dc also got this with dm. I also didn't want mine to resent his dc because they could only do special things when his dc was present.
Also dc need different things at different times I have 3 dc and treat them differently because of their ages, likes and needs. I don't spoil one more than the others though. Last school holiday Ds1 and dt2 were out with their friends so I used that time to do something dt1 would like and also have quality time with him. It's not favoritism. It's building 1:1 quality time just as important as family time.

WaterOffADucksCrack

I think 1-1 time is lovely as well. But in this case it’s only the DD who’ll be getting it. Anyway, that’s my view.