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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 12/02/2020 14:55

Your DSSs also have a mother who can treat them 1-1 but your DD just has you and DH. You should be able to go and spend time with your DD as you like as presumably you dont dictate what DH can do with his DC or what he spends on them. Being equal doesn't mean the same and presumably your DSSs have done all sorts of lovely things with their mother so why shouldnt your DD get a treat.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:56

I think 1-1 time is lovely as well. But in this case it’s only the DD who’ll be getting it

Well that's up to DH isn't it. I've already said about 5 times I've told him he can do whatever he wants with his sons. I just won't be funding it.

OP posts:
Wineislifex · 12/02/2020 14:56

I think it’s a lovely idea to have a girly day! If it was a weekly occurrence then I could understand his point, but it’s not. It’s one day and you’ll create lovely bonding memories like you have with your dad. If he’s such an issue with it he can have a boys day with DSS’s the next time they’re over.

74NewStreet · 12/02/2020 14:56

They’ll be with their Mum, mantarays, not holed up in the cellar.

Monstermoomin · 12/02/2020 14:56

I don't see anything wrong with this. I have two sisters (full) and I know my mum has helped us all out financially in different ways and it'll be different amounts due to different needs, I would never expect the same and they wouldn't either, and none of us have ever questioned how much the other has had so I don't see this should be any different if we were half siblings

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:57

Won't be funding it this time is more accurate actually as I do contribute to all of our joint family days/family holidays/bills/clothes etc...

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 14:58

I think 1-1 time is lovely as well. But in this case it’s only the DD who’ll be getting it

Isn’t it likely they’ll also be getting it with their mother?

And if the dad feels they need one on one time, that’s for him to facilitate, not stop the OP doing the same for their child.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 14:59

JacquesHammer

That’s not what I feel is fair in a blended family. I don’t think treats should be directed at one child and not the others. Resources should be shared.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 12/02/2020 14:59

YANBU. I say this as a mum and as a step-daughter. My Dad's wife and my mum's husband would treat their own children and not me - and I never bothered.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 14:59

Fetchit

Good, but the point stands.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:59

They'll be getting far more time with their mum on their own than my DD does technically. We very very rarely do anything (going out etc...) that isn't all of us.

OP posts:
mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:00

74NewStreet

I didn’t say they would be. I just (personally) don’t agree with this approach.

Noodlenosefraggle · 12/02/2020 15:00

I think if you've told him 5btimes that's what you're doing, just do it. Your step children have their own mum to treat them. It's your money, you've paid off family debts with some of it. You live his children and treat them at other times. I would just not discuss it anymore. Agree it only makes sense if your stepsons' mum pays for your daughter when she's treating her sons.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:00

It's funny because I think people always focus so much on what is fair for the step kids in these scenarios that the resident child often gets overlooked completely.

OP posts:
74NewStreet · 12/02/2020 15:00

No, your point doesn’t still stand, mantarays??

nacher · 12/02/2020 15:00

Your DH is creating a problem where none exists. If his ex received injury compensation, would he tell her to give your DD some of it?

I doubt the boys would even care about you treating their half sister to a day out.

asprinklingofsugar · 12/02/2020 15:00

YANBU - I always loved having days out with my mum growing up. Just browsing round the shops, having a meal out, just chatting and spending time together. Sometimes my brother would come too, but I always liked it better when he wasn't there, as we have different interests, and we'd have to spend ages in sports shops, but only got 5 mins in a bookshop as he'd start moaning!

Now I've grown up I still do things separately with both my parents (who are still together) eg went for a long walk with my dad recently, and had lunch out with my mum. I've even been on trips away with them individually, ie me and my dad on one, and me and my mum on another.

I don't see a problem with this at all. Especially as its only a couple hundred pounds (a meal out, even at pizza express for example, could be £50 if you order starters, main, and dessert.) A depending on where you shop, clothes can be pricey too. It may not stretch as far as your DH thinks it will. It's not as if you're buying your daughter the latest £1000 iPhone, and getting your step-sons nothing. Plus, you said you paid off credit card debt which actually benefits the whole family's finances. Now you won't have to pay that regularly, you'll have a bit more disposable income, which will benefit your SDC in the long run.

I think it would be a lovely thing to do with/for your daughter especially if she's been having a shit time lately

SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 15:01

I have a stepson, and the way I deal with things is that I'll happily pay for the family food shopping (and he DEFINITELY eats the most, haha), or to take us for a day out, or for a meal. No question about it, as he is a part of this family.

However, if there's something extra he wants, his dad can get it for him, or his mum who he sees at the weekends. I will look after him and make sure he doesn't want for anything, but I'm equally not just a free tap.

So I'm not going to be mean about it, or say my partner has to cover his part of the food bill or meals out (he did offer when I moved in as he said it wasn't fair for me to suffer financially because of his dustbin-stomach son haha) - we are a family - but at the same time if I got any kind of payout, or inheritance, I wouldn't feel that I had to give it to him. It is a little different as I don't have a child of my own, but any sole income extra to my wage wouldn't go to DSS. If I won the lottery or something, or inherited thousands, then quite clearly I would treat him, but a couple of hundred like in your situation? I'd do what I wanted, tbh.

Your stepsons have two parents who can treat them, and so does your daughter. If anything, surely sharing this money would be unfair on your daughter - because your stepsons effectively have 3 people giving them stuff (maybe 4 if their mum has a partner) yet she only has two. Know what I mean?

KurriKurri · 12/02/2020 15:01

Ask DH if the DSC's mother will pay for your DD to go on the next day out she does with the DSC and see what he says.
If it has to be fair for the DSC then it should be fair for your DD and their mother shouldn't spread anything on them she doesn't speak on yours.

Several people have made this point - it is a false comparison. The boys mother is not OP's DD's stepmother - she is no relation whatsoever to OP's DD. How she treats her sons is entirely irrelevant to the situation.

The comparison is if OP's DH treats her DD exactly the same when he treats his sons.

Having said that, I don't think YABU to treat your DD with money that is specifically yours (I mean you had to suffer the accident so it really isn't joint money !). A girly day out with your DD should be something you can enjoy without being made to feel guilty. I don't have step children but I often had a day out with just one child because mine had a big age difference and liked different things. It tends to all even out in the end - I'm sure there will be times when you DH wants some 'on their own time with his boys'.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:01

That’s not what I feel is fair in a blended family. I don’t think treats should be directed at one child and not the others. Resources should be shared

The resource has already been shared by paying off the joint credit card debt...

It’s foolish to suggest the OP can’t treat her own child to something in case her step-children don’t get the same, especially when they don’t live together!

lottiegarbanzo · 12/02/2020 15:01

You're the one who suffered the accident, so you can spend your compensation on cheering yourself up, in whatever way you choose.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:01

I've already said about 5 times I've told him he can do whatever he wants with his sons. I just won't be funding it.

You can say it as many times as you like. Confused You have asked a question on a forum and I’ve answered it. No need to be so snotty about getting answers you don’t like. Why bother asking if you’ve already made up your mind?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 15:02

That’s not what I feel is fair in a blended family. I don’t think treats should be directed at one child and not the others. Resources should be shared

consider this though, ops daughter only gets a treat with op when her brothers get one too, her brothers then go home and have more treats.

the dd would be missing out here. "fair" in step families isnt always "exactly the same"

daisychain01 · 12/02/2020 15:02

Devil's Advocate question - why do you have to label it as "money you're spending on your DD from the compensation"?

Why not just take your DD out for the day rather than getting fixated on it being money that you don't want to spend on your Stepsons?. It sounds like you go on girly days out under normal circumstances anyway so why make it so contentious.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:02

I’m not going to enter into a debate with all the people who disagree with me here. You’re all entitled to think I’m wrong. I’m entitled to think you are. There we are.