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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
HillAreas · 13/02/2020 19:42

Isn't that what parenting is about?
One of Nialls two parents should have bought him a bike, then.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 19:46

@Seamar

GET A FUCKING GRIP OF REALITY FFS

meyouandlulutoo · 13/02/2020 19:54

YANBU, it is quite normal for mothers and daughter's to have outings together. I wouldn't even phrase it as spending your compensation on her, I would count it as a girls day out.

As you say, your husband can have a boys day out with his sons if he likes, but he is being unreasonable if he begrudges you having a bonding day with your daughter, particularly as she has had a tough time lately. This has nothing to do with fairness, I would imagine your step sons' mother treats them and your husband can treat them if he wants.

Seamar · 13/02/2020 19:54

My mate killed himself over an accumulation of bad luck and people who should have cared about him not caring about him. She's their step mother. The 'mother' part of that title is relevant. The best parents in the world are the parents who treat other people's kids like their own. The rest of us mere mortals just look after our own I suppose. I think her partner will have a hard time explaining this unfair behaviour of hers to the boys too. If you can't afford to treat 3, you can't afford to treat 1.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 13/02/2020 19:58

@PlanDeRaccordement exactly what I was wondering!

Seamar · 13/02/2020 19:58

Niall had terrible parents. And terrible step parents too.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 13/02/2020 19:59

@Seamar yeah I don’t think that was why...! Confused

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 19:59

@Seamar Seriously get to fuck with this bullshit.

This is completely different to the op and tbh I Blame Nialls Mother if that is the case.

You really have hit a nerve with me as someone who has had multiple suicides in their immediate family and someone who has 4 kids living under this roof and neither of them are between me and dp.

We treat each and every one of them fairly all with one on one time but they are not the borg ffs, they are individual with individual needs.

74NewStreet · 13/02/2020 20:00

This thread is not about Niall. Op and her DH don’t sound like terrible parents, their kids are unlikely to end up as damaged as your friend was.

Seamar · 13/02/2020 20:02

I have a grip of reality thanks. Step parenting is about 'parenting', not saying "It's not my problem. I'm not their real mom".

HillAreas · 13/02/2020 20:03

@Seamar
Just because OP wants a day out with her daughter, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her step sons and they might be suicidal as adults over missing out on one trip 😒
Her step sons should not be taught to expect to be a part of everything every time. That’s just poor parenting from their DF.
The best parents will always make sure their own DCs well-being isn’t compromised, as OP intends to do.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/02/2020 20:04

@Seamar You really don't!

Where has ANYONE said "It's not my problem. I'm not their real mom".

???? Please do show!

Seamar · 13/02/2020 20:05

I don't remember saying that this thread was about Niall. I just mentioned that children do remember not being treated to the same things for whatever reason the adult has.

Seamar · 13/02/2020 20:08

She said she wants to treat her own child but not her step children. I'm just saying to her, without being rude or using bad language towards her, that she should consider this carefully before committing to it as children remember everything.

kingkuta · 13/02/2020 20:11

OP I've no idea why you needed to post because you are so obviously not being unreasonable. Your DH is being an absolute twat and I hope you realise this. Tell him to stop being so bloody ridiculous and take your dd out shopping. The replies about your dss's hating you because you went shopping with your dd are just absolutely batshit.

funinthesun19 · 13/02/2020 20:28

she should consider this carefully before committing to it as children remember everything.

Children also remember not getting quality time with their parent because their parent was in a stepparent role and there was a lot of pressure to put the stepchildren first at all costs. Children remember that too.

laudete · 13/02/2020 20:32

YANBU. Tell your husband that the next time one of your stepsons is having a hard time at school, you'll be happy to cheer that child up with something that they enjoy. I can't believe he would rather all 3 of his children to be unhappy and in need of cheering up at the same time.

SimplySteveRedux · 13/02/2020 20:41

Apologies if my thoughtless and insensitive post earlier offended or upset anyone - wasn't my intention and I should have read the thread properly before posting. Sorry.

aSofaNearYou · 13/02/2020 21:34

The best parents in the world are the parents who treat other people's kids like their own. The rest of us mere mortals just look after our own I suppose.

Therein lies the problem. Some people get so offended by the idea that step parents are not there because they have some deep desire to parent somebody else's child, and are in fact just there to be with the parent and support their role as parent, because, guess what, we are also mere mortals! We don't have any more desire or obligation to look after more than just our own than anyone else. Being a step parent doesn't mean you are not mortal, why would you assume it does?

Flipflopalops · 13/02/2020 21:47

It's a completely different situation if it is full time step parent ie mums new husband then all children need to be treated equally , but this isn't that situation , sounds as if the posters step sons have a lovely lifestyle with both their mother & when they are with their father & step mother / half sister & I think it's quite clear that there was NO need for such inflammatory posts about suicide etc !

Pawsandnoses · 13/02/2020 22:25

Oh dear, I really must be a wicked stepmother but some accounts on here as I bought my daughter a little present for a fabulous school report, but not DSS. His mum had already bought him something though, so then he would have had 2 presents and she would have 1. Her father is NC with her (by choice, I add I'm not evil X either!)

Frankola · 13/02/2020 22:52

Treat your daughter.
Your sc have a mum to treat them too dont they?
I personally find this whole idea of "you must give your sc exactly the same as your own dc" ludicrous.
In that case sc benefit twice and your kids only once. Not equal at all.

AgentPrentiss · 13/02/2020 23:45

I don’t really understand some of these replies. Is the DD meant to sit at home 3-4 days a week When the boys aren’t there and do nothing and get nothing because “it’s not fair?”.

Often it’s the child from second marriages who miss out more than the step kids anyway. My youngest has watched my oldest come home with thousands of dollars of presents, clothes, electronics etc every time she goes to her paternal grandparents. She’s been on holidays that we can’t afford, has a sizeable trust fund we will never be able to match etc.

I have no idea why people are begrudging you and your daughter a day out and a bit of extra money OP.

Warmfirechocolate · 14/02/2020 01:49

Often it’s the child from second marriages who miss out more than the step kids anyway. My youngest has watched my oldest come home with thousands of dollars of presents,

That is so true. Once you let the insidious ‘cannot get your own child their own day out with their own parent’ dynamic, it goes downhill from there!

I described my now older entitled step children who had to have everything...
well I did have another child with their father. Our child didn’t get their own room until she was 4, despite very part time steps each having theirs.
Never had a day out that suited her, always dragged along to suit her step siblings.
And now has never had a holiday with her father and me. We’ve split up now. Part of the reason was that he wouldn’t even dare to have a holiday with our child, so our poor child had no holidays until she was 5, despite Ex having a good wage. Because he didn’t want to offend his older kids, who were over 18 then, and had every holiday going when they were young.

I tried and paid for a holiday for all of us, but it was awful, I ended up on my own with small DD as they all wanted to do their more adult stuff and also hated DH having any nice times with me or DD. So the holiday I paid for, I spent basically on my own. I tried and booked for one day to have a family activity for all of us, a fun tour, and I got completely ignored and no one spoke to DD at all.

Even now, Ex does nothing with our child, it’s actually heartbreaking. He knows he’d get a barrage of jealousy from his older kids.

And I know how it started, I could see it happening when they were younger. So I do blame the parents!

HisValentine · 14/02/2020 02:19

Take your DD out and buy the step kids a little treat while you're out! New book, new t-shirt, poster or something.