Giving money to DC but not Step DC

[Fetchit]

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

The comparison is if OP's DH treats her DD exactly the same when he treats his sons

Well I don't think that's a good comparison either to be honest as all three kids are biologically his whereas only one is mine.

If you flip it around to be your money, that you're spending on you (having already helped out the household), then the only person 'losing out' might be your H, who might otherwise have accompanied you on a celebratory day out. But, you could just have gone with a friend. Instead, you're inviting your dd.

I suppose it depends on your family set up. My feeling would be that your dd has so much advantage from having her parents together that I'd want to be careful not to give any further reasons to for your dss to feel second class.

That said, suppose I'm assuming that you see yourself as a blended family. If you don't have so much relationship with your dss and they are more fully cared for by their dad then it would be different.

Having read your updates yanbu
As you said, it's a small amount and can be done without them knowing about it. Just because one child needs a boost it doesn't mean that all children need it at that moment. There will be times where the sc need more attention and one on one time and your h can treat them accordingly when that happens.

I've already said about 5 times I've told him he can do whatever he wants with his sons. I just won't be funding it.

You sound unnecessarily mean and unpleasant. Why be like that!?

How am I mean and unpleasant? If you read my second post after that I specified I wouldn't be funding it this time as I contribute equally to all of our family days out, all of our family holidays, all of our bills, all clothes etc... It's just this one time, i want to spend a little extra on my DD and DH is welcome to do the same for his DC out of his money?

You sound unnecessarily mean and unpleasant. Why be like that!?

Did you miss where the OP has confirmed she already jointly finds all their family shopping, days out, holidays etc?

There’s no reason for the OP to not have one to one time with her only child because her husband has been married before.

I 100% agree with you op that some people tie themselves up in so many knots about keeling things fair on the step kids that it is often unfair on the resident child.

I sometime do things with just one kid... they all have different needs and likes so doesn't make sense for all of us to always do something together. That is normal isn't it? I think them being step kids is a red herring.

Oh, stop listening to the nitwits, op, there’s nothing remotely mean or unpleasant (or unfair) about what you’re proposing.

I've already said about 5 times I've told him he can do whatever he wants with his sons. I just won't be funding it.

Honestly it’s a rude thing to say to your DH when he is only concerned about the welfare of your step sons.

It seems like they are your dear step sons, until you have a bit of money and then all of a sudden these children are his sons (nothing to do with you) and it is up to your DH to treat them, not you, and furthermore you won’t contribute any of the windfall you received or help organise a small token treat for them.

This goes deeper than wanting to treat your DD to a seperate girl oriented treat. If you saw the step sons as sons, you’d be in favour of doing something, anything for them too with the money. Can just be a cinema trip, doesn’t have to cost as much, really all they need is a token gesture to show you care.

I do 1:1 things with my two boys, it's lovely to get them alone occasionally, DH does the same, overall it's pretty equal.

The only reason I wouldn't is if money was extremely tight and it was the only tear the household was going to get. This doesn't sound like that situation at all.

YANBU. Your husband is being a twat. I’m sure their mum treats your step sons. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Take her out and enjoy a nice day with her. If the stepsons should be rude enough to query it you can tell them it was to cheer her up due to the hard time she's been having at school.

Plan, I treat them a lot actually. I'm not one of these who says I'll pay for DDs plane ticket for the holiday and you can pay for the rest. We split holidays, family days out, food bills etc... Completely equally.

I want to treat my daughter with my own money once H can absolutely do the same with his money if he feels SSs need a day out with him too.

I'd do the same OP.
It's your money, you spend it on your child.

Yanbu. They're not your children really

he is only concerned about the welfare of your step sons
Their welfare will not be compromised in any way by their step sister having a day out when they’re with their Mum. Quite possibly having a day out themselves? Stranger things have happened...
The sheer bloody drama!!

My SSs absolutely wouldn't query it, I know they wouldn't. And I doubt very much they would want to do the type of thing me and DD will likely get up to. DH wants to do a more 'family orientated' day for everyone.

I think DD needs her own day every now and again especially when she's having a hard time. I know it would really pick her up. I'd never begrudge DH doing the same if one of us sons needed some extra attention/was having a hard time.

Plan, I treat them a lot actually. I'm not one of these who says I'll pay for DDs plane ticket for the holiday and you can pay for the rest. We split holidays, family days out, food bills etc... Completely equally.

Darned straight. If you didn’t that would be appalling.

But in this case, it’s still not quite right. There is extra money available in a family. Why should it go on one child out of three? Why not pool your money and see what is affordable for all of them, even if it involves taking them out separately?

And as others have pointed out, I paid off our joint CC debt which we've used for holidays etc... So if you want to get technical....

I think it's fine. And it is actually a good thing for kids o have 1 to 1 time.
Does he ever have 1 to 1 time with any of his children?
I have done things with each of my children that the others would not want to do, or because they needed/deserved a special treat.

Manta, okay so do you not agree with one child who is have a hard time receiving some extra attention?

If one of my stepsons were having a hard time I'm sure you'd be the first to suggest DH do something with him alone. But DD is a resident child so doesn't matter as much, I get it.

YANBU.
I don't really understand why this is such a big deal for your DH. He can use the time to spend it with his other kids.
Kids don't need to know exactly what gets spent on anyone else and to be honest, if that is an issue, I'd be wanting to tackle that.
I, like you, have a DD and 2 DSC and my DH is Father to all.
I do treat my DD differently and always have done! But my SC's are treated well and with kindness and love. They are a bit older and don't expect me to be exactly the same with them as I am my own child.
There's no resentment, we all get on well.

OP it's fine.

Fair does not mean equal.

And they are boys. It's fine for you to have a girly day out with your daughter.