Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 14:25

I couldn't stand it if someone said I couldn't have a day out with my daughter unless I treated his sons, too.

CalmdownJanet · 12/02/2020 14:25

This is insane! I have a 14 & 6 year old, I often take the 14 year old out for lunch and shopping. It's not treating my kids differently at all, it's doing something with one child that my other would have no interest in. Same as I might take my 6 year old to soft play but not do anything with my 14 at the same time. Your dh is being totally unfair

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:25

If they live with you, it's very harsh and would make them feel very left out

See maybe I am awful because I don't even necessarily agree with this. I don't see anything wrong in having a day out with my DD. I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid at DH taking his sons out somewhere and having a 'dad day' or whatever. I don't think we all need to do everything together all the time but maybe that's just me.

OP posts:
10FrozenFingers · 12/02/2020 14:25

YANBU. Why does he think you should spend your money on his DCs?

Very odd.

olllsss · 12/02/2020 14:26

Complelty fine. He is also entitled to take his sons out if he wants!

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:28

Why does he think you should spend your money on his DCs?

I think his argument is he sees us a 'family' (which we are) and that to him means all of us treating everyone equally all of the time, there is no my kids/his kids etc... It's just 'the kids'. But I think it's a bit unfair, I do a lot for my SC but at the end of the day, DH has 3 biological children, I have one.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 12/02/2020 14:30

I think it’s the reason step families often fail.
They are part of the family and should all be treated equally. That said, I think all money coming into a household and all outgoings are joint and rewards or treats should be shared between all fairly. If you wanted your child to be different and special you should have married someone without a family already.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:30

And I don't want to feel like I can never treat my child / have a day out on our own / do something nice together etc... As I say, I had a full sibling and we still did things on our own with our parents occasionally.

If DH wants to treat his sons then no problem. I personally think it would be different if DH had money to give the children because DD is as much his child as my step sons are. But I don't have any problem with him having a day out with them for example...

OP posts:
Aureum · 12/02/2020 14:32

If you can’t spend money on your DD without also treating his DC, then their mother can’t spend money on them without also treating your DD. If they ever get anything from their mother that your DD doesn’t also get then it’s unfair.

Or you could agree that your DH has 3 kids but you only have 1 and his ex only has 2, so both mums are allowed to treat their own DC separately.

As an aside, you really need to address this situation before the question of inheritance arises. Because I bet his ex isn’t leaving your DD anything but you’ll be expected to leave a share of your assets to his DC.

EuroMillionsWinner · 12/02/2020 14:32

YANBU

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:33

If you wanted your child to be different and special

I don't think my child is different or special (above my stepsons is what you are clearly suggesting). They are all different and special in their unique ways.

I said I wanted her to feel special for a day and to have a nice day out with her mum after a bit of a shit time.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 12/02/2020 14:33

It's fine, it's your money.
Does he always split his money equally between the 3 of them? Does he never do things separately with them? Never treat SC to a pizza if DD is at a club etc.. If so he is being a hypocrite.
I agree with a pp I have dd17 and dd6. They are both treated equally but not necessarily at the same time or same thing.

AJPTaylor · 12/02/2020 14:33

I have 3 dds and I treat them all sometimes in different ways and enjoy my me time with them.
I think you need to explain less and just do what you want.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 14:33

Just realised that your daughter is his, too. And he begrudges her going out for the day with her mum, when his own sons spend time like that with their mum?

MRex · 12/02/2020 14:35

The boys are with you 2-3 days per week, they will have treats on other days. You should just do something with your DD, she can't always be last in the queue. It's fine for your DH to feel guilty that he doesn't put enough money, time or effort into his boys, but he needs to fix that rather than turn it around on you.

baubled · 12/02/2020 14:36

I'm assuming your steps sons mum doesn't buy your daughter things when she buys her sons as she may feel left out?

Bibidy · 12/02/2020 14:36

Not at all OP, this is your money, not joint money with your DH. Do what you want with it.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:36

Yes Hollow she's his. I think he wants to make it a family day out and all of us go. But I think my DD would benefit from a day out on her own with me doing things that she likes this once.

I'm not asking DH to come because I think then that could be seen negatively by my SSs as their dad would be out treating his other child and not them but if it's just me and DD, I don't really see the problem personally.

OP posts:
Mulledwineinajug · 12/02/2020 14:40

I expected to say YABU from the title but YANBU at all!

I have four dc. Full siblings. I take them for a day out or even a night away one at a time when I can afford it. They know they all get treats but at different times. They need to feel special, have undivided attention and not always have to share me.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:41

Thanks Mulled. I agree, this is what I did too as a kid. And I think it's especially important for DD as her brothers do get time with their own mum and she barely does with hers (I mean quality time not being at home after school on a weekday).

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 12/02/2020 14:42

It's absolutely fine. My parents were together for much of my childhood and thet would each take me and my siblings out individually so we all had 1 on 1 time with each parent. It would be nice to do as you suggested and you take dd out whilst he does something with the boys.

10FrozenFingers · 12/02/2020 14:43

If you wanted your child to be different and special you should have married someone without a family already.

Utter bollocks. Such a silly argument. First wife, are you?

Luckyonetwo · 12/02/2020 14:44

Yanbu at all.

funinthesun19 · 12/02/2020 14:44

Yanbu. You’re her mum and you want to treat her. Your step dc have their own mum to treat them.

Why does absolutely everything have to include stepchildren?

mantarays · 12/02/2020 14:44

I would split the money between the three of them. I wouldn’t create a blended family if I was unwilling to make compromises like this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread