Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving money to DC but not Step DC

510 replies

Fetchit · 12/02/2020 14:07

I was in an accident and received a small amount of compensation. I want to treat my DC to a little shopping trip to get her some things she likes.

DH thinks if I do that I need to split it three ways between our joint DD and his two other DC, my stepsons.

AIBU to not do this? It's not a huge amount and I would like to treat my daughter/have a day out with her myself. If I split it three ways there'd be no point.

I've said to DH if he wants to give my step children some money he can do so but I'd like to do this with our daughter with the money I've received.

FWIW, it really wouldn't be anything grand, just a day out doing what she enjoys and a few treats from the shops she likes. All kids are taken out regularly, have clothes bought for them, I buy my stepsons things regularly if I see something they'd like, go on family holidays every year together etc... They are not hard done to at all.

OP posts:
mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:20

Manta, okay so do you not agree with one child who is have a hard time receiving some extra attention?

I think that’s fine. Attention doesn’t cost a couple of hundred quid. It’s not going to hurt your DD to share money she doesn’t know about, and you already have all your available attention on her when her brothers are at their other home.

LightDrizzle · 12/02/2020 15:20

YANBU!
Take her out and have fun. It’s clear you are a loving and supportive step-mum.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 12/02/2020 15:20

OP - YANBU. In fact, your DH is. The additional money aside, if you just wanted to have a day out with your daughter would he object to that saying that you should wait until the whole family can?

@mantarays In blended families you don't want anyone to be excluded - that is true. But the child of the step parent also shouldn't be disadvantaged in order to achieve this. The step children get to spend time with their mother and get treats from their mother - why can't the OP's little girl have time and treats with her mother because basically that it what you are suggesting.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:21

It’s not going to hurt your DD to share money she doesn’t know about

So why would it hurt the step-kids that money they don’t know about is spent on the daughter?

KatherineJaneway · 12/02/2020 15:21

YANBU

Moonlite · 12/02/2020 15:22

I treat our daughter to girly days now and then and my OH has never once said that I need to spend the same for our boys or it wouldnt be fair and they are our 3 biological children together. We do treat our boys too of course but everything doesnt always have to be divided out evenly.

I agree if it bothers your hubby then he should treat the boys too

araiwa · 12/02/2020 15:22

Youre spending your money on your daughter.

Surely its family money to spend on family?

Poppinjay · 12/02/2020 15:22

The OP is no more related to her stepchildren than the ex is to the OP's DD.

It's fine for each mother to treat their own child when they have care of them. When all three are in one household, they need to be treated equally.

If you're planning a day out with your DD on a day your stepchildren are with their mother, that's perfectly fine. As long as you aren't taking her out somewhere nice and leaving them at home with your DH well aware that they are missing out, you're doing nothing wrong.

Mumofone1902 · 12/02/2020 15:22

If they were all your biological children (1 girl and 2 boys) and the girl was having a tough time at school I'm pretty sure you'd take her on a girly shopping trip anyway. I don't think YABU at all! Obviously if she came back with a pair of £300 trainers and showed them off its mean but doubt they would notice a few new items of clothes. Also I feel like we can safely assume their mum buys them clothes and not your daughter?

Schuyler · 12/02/2020 15:22

On this occasion, I think YANBU. Treating children fairly doesn’t mean exactly the same.

Aderyn19 · 12/02/2020 15:24

I agree with you OP, but there's no point in discussing it here. You need to be telling your dh all of this really.

SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 15:24

Mantarays .. There's not "extra money in a family". She had an accident, paid off the FAMILY CREDIT CARD using most of it, and has a small amount left over.

These boys are not hard done to, they have two parents of their own to treat them, as does the daughter, so why should the sons be treated to things by 3 (4 if their mum has a partner) adults, whereas the daughter only gets 2?

It's not joint money, it's her money from an accident she was in - which most probably wasn't much fun! - and she's already paid off some family debt, so if she wants to have a fun day out with her daughter that's fine.

It's not as though SSs are crying in a corner at home - they'll be with their own mother, probably being treated in some way that OP's DD won't be.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 12/02/2020 15:24

Darned straight. If you didn’t that would be appalling

why would it be appalling? after all op has only 1 child, her husband has 3.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:24

The OP is no more related to her stepchildren than the ex is to the OP's DD.

If you’ll excuse me saying, that is a horrible attitude. She lives with them? She chose to enter a marriage with their father? Of course she’s related to them.

Honestly, some people shouldn’t be allowed to put kids through their idea of “family life”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2020 15:25

mantarays

You’re very invested. Did you have a stepmum you hated?

OP, crack on. We also have three, two are DH’s and one shared. Fair doesn’t mean equal and while my DD is still a baby we’ve both agreed she won’t be missing out of things because her half sibs are at their mum’s and she only has us and our resources which my steps have us, their mum and benefit from large child support when they’re with her.

QuizzlyBear · 12/02/2020 15:25

Ignore the haters, OP. As a step child and a mum myself, I can tell you that we all often spent 121 time with each parent and step parent as needed.

When I was being bullied, my DSM often took me out shopping for the day to cheer me up. My DF often took out my brothers alone to football matches etc (he knew I'd hate it!)

In fact my DSB became dependent on alcohol and my parents spent over £20k on his rehab. Was I resentful? Was I fuck! It saved his life when he needed it.

I even had a 'kind' friend asking if it bothered me that he'd effectively 'taken' £20k off my inheritance. I thought she was insane.

Enjoy your girls day out, OP!

saraclara · 12/02/2020 15:26

Good grief. I had two daughters of my own and didn't always do the same with both.

It was your accident OP so it's your money. Even so, you've used most of it to pay off the family debt. Of course you can treat your daughter with the rest.

Presumably you occasionally take her out without the boys sometimes? It seems like the only thing that's different is that your partner is somehow jealous that extra money is involved.
He needs reminding where it's come from, and what you've done with most of it. Call this YOUR day out, that your daughter's coming in on.

JacquesHammer · 12/02/2020 15:27

The decisions two parents make, should have no bearing on a different parents decision for her child.

If the DH feels his children need one to one time, then he can easily facilitate that himself (which of course would need the OP involved as I assume she’d be looking after their joint child to enable this)

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:29

getyourarseoffthequattro

Because rocking up in children’s lives and proceeding to be separatist and divisive in their home isn’t how decent people behave.

mantarays · 12/02/2020 15:29

You’re very invested. Did you have a stepmum you hated?

Behave yourself. No, I didn’t. I can just see right from wrong.

Loli2 · 12/02/2020 15:30

I think it says alot that you want to treat them differently which is the problem for your DH I'd say. Nothing wrong with treating your daughter but It is interesting that when you come into some extra money it is only her you want to spend it on. But obviously we dont know your relationship with the boys, perhaps you're not that close.

Original poster
Fetchit · 12/02/2020 15:30

This is what bothers me Jacques. We aren't 'poor' in the sense that DH couldn't afford to do the same with his sons if he wanted to. He just wants to use the 'extra' I received instead of his own money. Which is why I don't think it's rude as another poster suggested, that he fund a day out with his kids and I do the same for DD on this occasion.

OP posts:
KurriKurri · 12/02/2020 15:30

@ Fetchit The comparison is if OP's DH treats her DD exactly the same when he treats his sons

Well I don't think that's a good comparison either to be honest as all three kids are biologically his whereas only one is mine.

My apologies - you are absolutely right, for some reason I misread your OP as you having a DD who was yours (and your DH's SDD) and also a joint DD with him. My mistake - obviously he should treat your DD along with his sons.

Thinkingabout1t · 12/02/2020 15:30

Sounds like a lovely thing to do with DD, especially if she's been having problems at school.

CorianderLord · 12/02/2020 15:31

I'd just say it's a girlie shopping day. My mum took me out for those sometimes and not my brothers.