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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
Phoebesgift · 12/02/2020 08:48

Perhaps his current financial position isn't as healthy as when he bought his ex her ring?

Elouera · 12/02/2020 08:49

Depending on when he got married the 1st time, £600 then might be closer to £1000/£1500/£2000 now due to inflation!!! It really depends on your finances, but I'd be annoyed for sure!

Bezalelle · 12/02/2020 08:49

Don't be so materialistic.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2020 08:50

Maybe he’s just showing you the style and would buy a diamond version?

Show him what you want.

ShatnersWig · 12/02/2020 08:50

How much are you planning on spending on a ring for him, or other engagement gift? And is that the same amount you spent on your first husband?

Thingsthatgo · 12/02/2020 08:50

Silver and CZ will not last. CZs scratch and chip with everyday wear, and silver is a soft metal.
There’s a reason jewellers use hard gemstones in engagement rings.

QuillBill · 12/02/2020 08:50

I would try not to compare your relationship with other peoples. Especially your partners previous relationship. It can't lead to good things. The relationship you are in is the one you are in.

People's financial circumstances change as does what they think is important at different times of their lives.

Original poster
asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:51

They got engaged a few years ago, so the ring prices haven't changed dramatically.

OP posts:
DesdemonaDryEyes · 12/02/2020 08:51

As you’ve both been married before surely an engagement ring is a bit pointless.

Alsohuman · 12/02/2020 08:52

You’re going to now get a slew of posts saying they got a Haribo ring that they love and treasure, that you’re ungrateful and whatever you get it shows he loves you. There will also be a number that say if he doesn’t spend a month’s salary he’s a cheapskate.

Why don’t you decide together what kind of ring you’re both happy with? The cost isn’t important but if you’re going to wear it every day for the rest of your life, you have to like it. Don’t compare with his ex, comparison really is the thief of joy.

Harakeke · 12/02/2020 08:52

Have you looked at second hand rings? Alternatively, there’s no hurry. Why don’t you save a few pounds a week until you have enough put aside?

NC4Now · 12/02/2020 08:54

You’ll be told not to be grabby but I can understand how you feel. Rightly or wrongly, engagement rings are traditionally a bit of a status symbol. Can you discuss it with him? I’m not sure how I’d broach it

Loubeale · 12/02/2020 08:56

I guess that depends on the state of his bank balance. Personally I don't have an engagement ring , just an antique Victorian wedding ring and I've lost that more times than I can remember. I worked with a guy who gave his fiance the same ring he bought for a previous relationship that went Pete Tong. Kate Middleton is another case, I'm not sure I'd want to wear the ring of my dead MIL. IMO that belongs in a museum or in the Jewel room in the Tower.

Sally99 · 12/02/2020 08:57

You are close enough to get married, so surely you are close enough to talk about this?

The ring is important to you. So be sensitive, kind and tactful, and talk to him.

Hepsibar · 12/02/2020 08:58

How do you know what he spent on his ex? It seems a funny thing to know. Not sure I would want to, but you do so ...

Some suggestions ... can he go thru a process of negotiation for the ring, he could get a lot knocked off and you can get a better ring ... however your are likely to feel undervalued and humiliated esp if you are there whilst the horse trading occurs. (This happened to me and whilst got the ring I wanted, I never feel the same because I look at and feel that way and so hardly wear it.)

Could you look at an antique ring or a second hard ring ... you could get a better one.

Could you put some money towards it if his finances are low and then you choose the one you want.

Good luck my precious!

SW16 · 12/02/2020 08:59

I think the whole rigmarole of engagement rings is silly and materialistic, and especially for your second marriages.

Are you considering buying HIM an engagement ring?

Is it the price if an engagement ring that tells you how much he cares? If it is, either you shouldn’t be contemplating marriage or yes, you are silly and materialistic.

Are you going to compare the price if everything between yours and his previous relationship? House, cushions, Christmas and birthday presents...,

Sounds exhausting.

Original poster
asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:59

I hadn't really thought of the financial situation tbh. This something we need to discuss.

For those who have asked, I bought my ExH an engagement gift in return and I would do the same if not more for my DP as I do love him dearly.

I am not sure why this has struck a chord with me, but it has. I am aware how silly it sounds. I know it really shouldn't matter, but it somehow does.

I know it won't be our first marriages, but I still want it to feel special. I would really appreciate anyone how has been in this situation (getting married for the nth time) to gain a little perspective on things.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 09:00

It’s a second engagement. You’ve both been there before, and while the marriage is ultimately a positive for you the whole engagement ring thing is a bit of a material thing over everything else.

Equally I wouldn’t expect to spend the kind of money on a wedding that I spent on my first one.

MynameisJune · 12/02/2020 09:01

My engagement ring cost £250, DH and I have been married 12 years and together 17. It was all we could afford at the time and now it has more sentimental value so I wouldn’t change it.

It’s a ring, are you bothered because you want a nicer ring or are you bothered because you want something shiny to show off to your friends?

TheMemoryLingers · 12/02/2020 09:02

Haven't you talked to him about the sort of ring you'd like? You do come across as materialistic (sorry) when you talk about this in terms of comparing how much he spent on his ex's ring, but I can understand wanting a ring you actually like. If your chosen metal/stone are out of budget you could look at -

  • second hand rings
  • contributing to the cost of the ring yourself
  • part-exchanging an old ring

Ultimately, it's just a ring and shouldn't be that big a deal. There's no law that says you must have an engagement ring - your commitment to marry doesn't need a ring to be valid.

BrokenWing · 12/02/2020 09:02

Just tell him how you feel/what you would like (obviously within reason), if you cant be open and honest with each other, feel uneasy discussing something so basic and straightforward you aren't ready to commit to each other for life.

Narcheska · 12/02/2020 09:02

I can understand. Ignore all the people having a go

Have you looked on Etsy? They do some stunning rings which are fairly low budget. Also antique jewellery's a good shout.

One of my favourite quotes is "comparison is the thief of joy" don't compare yourself to his ex's ring / cost just concentrate on finding one you love.

MrsMGE · 12/02/2020 09:03

OP it's not about how much it's worth but more so whether you like it and whether it suits you as you'll be wearing it and looking at it every day for the rest of your life. If he's not buying you a surprise ring then have a chat and show him what you like. Forget about the other ring, it really doesn't matter. Maybe he hated it, maybe she liked it, in any event you're not her and he's with you and wants to marry you. Don't forget that.

Reginabambina · 12/02/2020 09:04

Tbh I’d rather no ring than a cheap ring (I did tell my DH not to bother with a ring actually because I didn’t want him to feel like he should spend a stupid amount of money on a ring and I didn’t want him to buy a sensibly priced but hideous ring that I would then feel obliged to wear even though I didn’t like it). But I do think YABU to compare what he spends on you. The difference between a £600 ring and a £150 one isn’t going to be massive unless you are going small and simple anyway.

KaptenKrusty · 12/02/2020 09:04

I didn't feel the need to have an expensive engagement ring - I thought spending a lot of money was stupid as it could be spent on the wedding instead - plus if he got into debt for the ring - it would technically become my debt anyway once we were married?? haha I think you are being a bit materialistic tbh!