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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
katzenellenbogen · 12/02/2020 11:37

OP says I hadn't really thought of the financial situation tbh

Well whyever not?

You want him to spend a relatively large chunk of money on you, but you hadn't considered whether he actually has that amount of money available?

paap1975 · 12/02/2020 11:40

I don't even have an engagement ring, but I do have a fantastic husband. I know what matters most to me!

amazedmummy · 12/02/2020 11:43

I can kind of see where you're coming from and I would probably be annoyed in the same position. However I bought my own rings. I had come into some money and fancied some lovely jewellery that I would get the wear out of, after a chat with DH he was perfectly happy for me to treat myself. I don't really wear any other jewellery.

superfandango · 12/02/2020 11:47

While I can see where you’re coming from I think YABU. Perhaps already being divorced has given him a different perspective on what he sees as the important things? As others have said, has his financial position changed? I imagine it might have with how much divorce and splitting households can cost.

Casualbride · 12/02/2020 11:50

You don’t have to obediently buy and wear rings just because it’s traditional. If you aren’t a fan of rings just get something else. That’s what we did. It won’t make you any less married.

AnneKipanki · 12/02/2020 11:51

How long have you been a couple ?

Have you had other birthdays with him as your DP ? What happened with those ?

In the dating thread it says the thing that irritates you now will be the reason you break up .
Are you not feeling valued ?

billy1966 · 12/02/2020 11:53

If a ring is being bought.....150 is a very low amount.
Definitely have a think about why such a paltry amount is being suggested....can he afford to get married.

Antique/vintage rings can offer super value and would be where I would look if on a budget.

💐

Suchafaff · 12/02/2020 11:55

I don't think the point the OP is trying to make here is actually about the cost of the ring, more that her partner has openly told her about what he spend on his ex's ring and there is a substantial difference.

My DH didn't fancy a honeymoon after we got married (no idea why) so I had 2 nights in a hotel in a local town. I then found out through his friend that he went to Barbados with with first wife on their honeymoon. I wasn't bothered that I didn't get to go to Barbados, just hurt that there was a lack of effort with me.

He has since made up for it as I think he realised over time that it was a little unfair but again it was not about the holiday itself but more about the thought that goes in to it.

There are some people on here that don't like jewelry, not bothered about rings and that is completely fine, but it doesn't make the OP grabby because she would like some thought and effort put in to hers!

GoldenCrunchMunch · 12/02/2020 11:56

Why did he tell you how much the ex's cost? The only reason I can think of is to make you feel bad.

CorianderLord · 12/02/2020 11:58

I'd offer to pay half towards the ring because you don't want costume jewellery

lowlandLucky · 12/02/2020 12:00

OP I totally get you, on a really pathetic level i was left feeling second class over a bloody vacuum ! My DHs ex wife needed a new vacuum as she had pulled the cord to far on the old one and asked him to pay for one as she didnt have the money, because he is soft he agreed ( because of the children ) he asked which one she wanted and she picked out a dyson that was £300, six weeeks later my
15 year vacuum cleaner blew up, he went and bought a replacement on his way home from a Poundstretcher store ( that was next door to cuury's) that cost £20. He had no idea why i was so upset.
He is making you feel second best, he probably doesnt realise it so tell him, dont just let it go or it will always fester

madcatladyforever · 12/02/2020 12:02

If a man didn't think I was worth as least as much as his ex wife I'd be considering whether he's worth marrying.
I had two husbands who said an engagement ring wasn't a measure of their love (so didn't get me one) and both turned out to be selfish pricks who never bought me a christmas or birthday card or present or made my life better in any way.
If you don't think you are worth it they won't either.

fantasmasgoria1 · 12/02/2020 12:03

If his financial situation isn't great that perhaps wait until its better. I totally get where you are coming from. To me if you are getting engaged to be married then you have a ring whether it's the first engagement or the 5th! If he spent £600 previously then he should spend a similar amount on yours. I'm aware people disagree with this.

choccyfiend78 · 12/02/2020 12:08

I got engaged to my DP last year and we have both been married before. He let me choose my own ring and it is (to some people's disgust) silver and cz! I am not a big jewellery wearer and hate yellow gold, also it was not about the cost to me although we have better things to spend our money on or save up for. He had said that he will replace my ring with one the same but "real" (meaning platinum and diamond) when we have the funds available if I I want but I honestly don't care. It is the meaning behind it not the material value that means the most to me.

But hey, everyone is different! Smile

YetAnotherSpartacus · 12/02/2020 12:09

I'd be feckin' furious re the vacuum.

dottiedodah · 12/02/2020 12:09

I dont think you are being at all materialistic ! The ring should be forever and I think some amount of investment /saving for a nice one is very important .Why not have a look around yourself and explain perhaps jokily! and say I like this one (Say £600.00 ) "Reckon you can run to this"! and see what his reaction is .Both silver and CZ arent made to last as a PP said .If cash is very tight for him(say he has to pay support for his children) Maybe use some of the joint money you have ,or pay by instalments maybe ?

KarmaStar · 12/02/2020 12:10

But it is special,he is buying a ring for you,nobody else.
Forget what's gone on before,it's irrelevant.
Will you want every single thing he bought for his ex-wife to be repeated at the same cost of more?a wedding that cost as much?
Give your priorities a shake.

Valkadin · 12/02/2020 12:12

My first DH and I had my engagement ring designed and made so it was a one off. Second DH and I chose a ring together. Never ever have I thought about cost comparison or the fact one was designed and one bought.

What is relevant here is what were his financial circumstance at both times. Maybe he really can’t afford an expensive ring. But you need to be able to articulate that you don’t want a CZ and silver ring.

LightDrizzle · 12/02/2020 12:15

I wouldn’t be happy in your shoes.

Mumsnet is always very down on engagement rings but the fact is that they have a totemic value within our culture and it is the one tradition we have for a (traditionally) man, to make a big gesture involving a high opportunity cost for him, to please and delight someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Traditionally it’s worn for the rest of her life. So wedding bands and later engagement rings have always been bought for their durability.

Symbols are powerful, if a woman says she’s not keen on the idea of engagement rings and sees it as a monumental waste of money, I get it, and her partner should respect that, but I understand the OP equating her boyfriend’s differing budgets with his sense of her worth.

Money for all but the most wealthy represents an opportunity cost for the giver, it represents the time it took to earn and and the coffees, nights out, trainers, clothes and “toys” we could otherwise have bought for ourselves.
It’s like having a husband who never gets out of bed first, and had to be cajoled to bring you a cup of tea in the mornings even when you were on crutches after breaking your leg, and then finding out from your step daughter that daddy always brought mummy a cup of tea in the mornings. Most of us would think why the fuck for her and not me?

OP please tell your bf that your ring is important to you and ask why the budget is so much lower for you. There might be a reply that satisfies you, ie a very different financial position. However if you get a “I’m not making that mistake a second time” it gives you a heads up about how he views second time around.

In my parents’ generation, amongst the divorcing fathers of my secondary and older aged friends, there was definitely a few who had the “my problem was, I treated that woman like a princess” mentality, (which from my perspective of spending time in their houses was bollocks). Despite the jokes of “It’s always the second wife who gets the hostess trolley” these blokes seemed to take the view that they wouldn’t make the same mistake again and be “suckers”, ie. they were going to put even less effort into any future relationships.
I always felt sorry for their future partners.

SunshineAngel · 12/02/2020 12:18

Tbh, you can't be comparing your relationship with his previous one. Clearly, that didn't work out, so whatever he did in that relationship didn't work anyway - so why aim for that?

I would rather my partner didn't spend a lot of money on a ring, to be honest. Something nice and simple I can wear every day, and keep the rest of the money to do something with the house, or do something to make memories with - whatever.

KatherineJaneway · 12/02/2020 12:20

I would be disappointed too but I also would not have got engaged if I didn't know the financial situation of the other person.

He also sounds like a last minute .com with gift giving doing the bare minimum. That would be a turn off for me.

AnneKipanki · 12/02/2020 12:21

That sucks@lowlandLucky
On so many levels.

RedskyAtnight · 12/02/2020 12:22

So he spent a lot of money on his ex. That relationship didn't work out did it? Maybe he's now realised that spending lots of money does not equal stuff that matters.

Agree with other posters, the important thing is that you get a ring you are happy with, not how much it costs.

I'd personally have a cheaper ring and spend the money on other things.

blueheaven97 · 12/02/2020 12:23

The amount of money people spend on rings, and the importance some people put on how much has to be spent on them, is absolutely crazy. I just can't get my head around how much of a waste of money they are.

It's odd he told you how much he spent on his ex's, though.

dottiedodah · 12/02/2020 12:30

Light Drizzle Hit the nail square on the head!

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