to be upset (engagement ring)

[asSASSin8]

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

What's the tradition with engagement vs marriage rings? Does the engagement ring go in a drawer after you get married?

He sounds a tight wad; an engagement ring is meant to last, it is not like you are going to have one every year. At today’s prices I would be thinking In thousands not hundreds mine cost £3,000 in1986 and it is not at all blingy, certainly nowhere the size of Kate Middleton’s ( which I wouldn’t mind having, second hand would not bother me!).

Petlover9 Did you spend £3,000 on an engagement gift for your man?

£3000 in 1986 is worth £7,500 now. There's no way I would spend £7,500 on a ring. I wouldn't spend £3,000. I earn £25k, would take me years to save that!

At least you're not getting one of these:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-51473071

YANBU its you thats going to be looking at it on your hand for the rest of your life. ive been in your shoes, what we could afford I didnt really like, so we got round it by buying an antique type 2nd hand ring, its beautiful. We went to York and saw it in an antique shop, it was cleaned up and placed in a box the same as a new one and no one needs to know. Look on it as better value for money, recycling too!

@Scott72 many (most?) people keep wearing their engagement ring alongside their wedding ring, IME.

@Scott72 Most women continue wearing their engagement ring with their wedding ring. But it does depend - sometimes you can’t, for example if the stone is huge and sits too proud so it would get knocked multiple times and/or easily damage clothing or scratch your children’s faces etc, or if the stone is very delicate such as an opal - it’s too soft to wear daily so would generally be worn for special occasions only. Some are too valuable to be constantly worn as more chance of getting lost/possibly stolen.

I will continue to wear mine after we get married as it’s a small platinum solitaire so is hardy enough for daily wear.

OP I think you are right that your feelings are not about the ring at all. This has just highlighted differing opinions that you both have regarding what is important to each of you eg. you appreciate a birthday card, he doesn’t get the importance you place on it and your expectation of one, you maybe see the amount of planning that goes into a present as equating to how much he likes you but he maybe doesn’t, you see the lower amount of money for an engagement ring as being less valued by him whereas he may see the value of the ring as having no relevance as to how much he likes/loves you. The fact that you don’t seem comfortable feeling the way you do makes me think that it’s just a matter of working out the underlying issues and then you will be able to relax and trust the relationship more. For me it’s simply about talking to him about what’s important to you, little things like a birthday card with a message/picture that is relevant to you, presents where he has clearly thought about what you like/need which doesn’t have to be expensive. This is simple stuff in a relationship, it’s ok to spell things out to each other. We can show love in different ways and if even if we value different things we can make the effort to do things our partners appreciate and that’s what can make us feel valued in a relationship, not the cost of a ring. Good luck OP, I think you’ve worked it out already yourself.

I would be equally hacked off in your shoes. I can understand how it might feel there is a disparity in value between you and ExW. No experience, but I'd be peeved.

Why this fetishism over engagement rings, anyway? What are they actually FOR? They say 'this woman is taken' ... nice. Men don't tend to wear them (though I bought DH one).

I have a nice 19thC solitaire engagement ring but even at the time I was wondering if it was really necessary. Presumably in the old days, it was a guarantee that your intended really meant business - maybe even an insurance against him buggering off. As it is, though I love my pretty Victorian ring, I never ever wear it because it gets in the way and I'm worried I'll bang the stone. I use my hands a lot and couldn't be doing with taking it off all the time.

I think they're a real anachronism.

It is NOT about the ring .

Wow - materialistic or what... You can get all styles of rings and one you would like, even if it's a CZ stone but still gold etc.

Red flag, will you compare everything he had with his ex wife?

I think they're a real anachronism.
^This

Money does not equate to how much someone loves you. Similarly, money cannot buy love.

Ring cost has absolutely no bearing on whether you are both compatible and if the marriage will last.

You sound materialistic and insecure. It's unhealthy to compete with others. Compete with yourself in order to better yourself. Focus on nurturing a positive and happy relationship, not on what others may or may not think of you.

Money doesn't equate love but unwillingness to spend any does tell you quite a bit about a person and how much value they put on your happiness.
As old fashioned as they may be (when you consider their original purpose), engagement rings continue to have cultural significance to us and most women want a nice one. They are an outward symbol of love and we (and others) do equate them with how much we mean to our fiancé.

I remember a lady I used to know whose husband had previously had a broken engagement. He returned the old ring and could only get a credit note, so told his new fiancée that she could only have a ring from this specific shop. No one was really surprised when he turned out to be a selfish prick of a husband, who was also financially abusive.

Are you 12? It's not the cost of the ring, it's a symbol of a commitment to each other! Maybe when you get to choose wedding rings, you can have saved a bit of money and upgrade to a nice matching set. And please, don't compare stuff between you and his ex, she's his ex for a reason and nothing good ever came from this sort of competition

It doesn't matter how much so done else's ring cost, so YABU to compare.

It does matter what your ring is made from though - silver jewellery is no good as it gets tarnished and looks crap. I'd get hold, platinum or even palladium, but not silver which always needs polishing. Personally I'd avoid white gold too, as they tend to need re-plating every few years and it detracts from the symbolism of the ring being forever, if you see what I mean.

If money is tight, look at secondhand rings or just skip the engagement ring and focus on getting a good quality wedding band for a good price.

hold=gold, obvs!

My ring was less than £20.. I know his ex's was at least 10x what he spent on mine. I try not to think about it. I know his circumstances are very different now to what they were then, and it's about what the ring means, not what was spent on it.

The key fact here op is what he could afford then v what he can afford now. If it's the same then I see the issue, if he simply can't afford it, I don't.

I think it is totally natural to feel this way. And then you think am I being grabby/spoiled and you feel worse. But it’s not about the thing itself it’s an anxiety of does it reflect the meaning/thought behind it in any way.

For example my kids don’t need anything but when one set of the GPs spends a bomb on their other grandkid and they get a free with purchase something. I feel a bit shit - like do they matter less to them? It isn’t about the physical things just what they seem to represent.

That said. It seems like he is trying hard with the choosing of this one so that makes me think he really wants to get it right and make you happy. Money spent doesn’t always equate to thought put in.

The £600 ring clearly didn’t do their marriage any favours. The fact that he is showing you things means that your input is wanted so I would ask him straight up - what budget does he have in mind? Tell him what you like and what you don’t. I’m sure he wants you to love it, you are going to be wearing it.

If he says a v limited amount then you could follow on with a why’s that? If there’s something you really love would you be happy to wait to get it if saving up was necessary?

If it seems like means aren’t the issue then I wouldn’t be afraid to gently voice how you feel. Will be easier not to try and guess what he’s thinking. And you don’t want to have any niggles about it.

Super trite moment but here goes any how; You are planning on getting married and one of the best things you can give each other is good communication. Bet he didn’t have that with ex W!

If he can afford it I’d ask him why he won’t spend that much?. It he can’t afford it then I don’t see what the problem is

People keep saying she's his ex for a reason. Maybe the reason is that he's right!

Tight even! Bloody fat fingers!

CZ is not good, come on let's be honest. It's cheap and it chips. I'd rather go without, until we could afford something decent.