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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
ChristmasCarcass · 13/02/2020 19:16

Can you even buy a new engagement ring for £150? I’ve just checked Ernest Jones (so not exactly Tiffany), and they had two options - a pink-gold plated Swarovski eternity ring that looks like it came out of a cracker, and a silver ring in the shape of the word “Love” (ie not an engagement ring).

I have an antique ring and would definitely go that route again if money was tight. Or would go without, if we were really strapped for cash. I wouldn’t get some cheap tat because my fiancé was too stingy to spend a decent amount on me. I am worried that you are considering getting married but have no clue whether this is stinginess or poverty - don’t you know anything about his finances?

MrsBrentford · 13/02/2020 19:22

You will get flamed here but YANBU.

DH ex ring was from Elizabeth Duke and was about £300, mine was £5000 - very shallow and materialistic but if you can’t he both those things over your engagement ring when can you be?

LisaD76 · 13/02/2020 19:27

I’d like to know where you are seeing silver and c.z for £150.00, a ring like that would cost between £15 and £50 max.... £150 should be gold and c.z surely (I work in a jewellers)

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 19:27

To give another perspective, 20 years ago I chose my engagement ring and it was £399. My husband asked if I wouldn’t like a bigger diamond. No, because I hate blingy jewellery and I’ve got tiny hands. My plain thin gold wedding ring was the cheapest in the shop but it was the one I wanted.

LisaD76 · 13/02/2020 19:30

Of course though I am with you with regards to being treated at least the same (but preferably better) than his ex.... i have been treated differently to a partners ex in a negative way and it does make you question your worth to them

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/02/2020 19:34

The £600 ring didn't make that marriage last did it? I wouldn't want CZ because it's essentially a fake diamond, my ring was about £300 and I absolutely love it. If that's his budget why not look at vintage? It'll be different and inexpensive but not cheap

Taxanimal · 13/02/2020 19:40

We’ve been married 25 years so prices have risen since then but even then we had friends who spent £1000+ on engagement rings. We took the view that it was a symbol & so didn’t need to cost loads and so bought one for under £100!

Craftycorvid · 13/02/2020 19:46

It’s not really the cost but the fact he made a point of telling the OP what his first wife’s ring cost (odd fact to both retain and prioritise - I’d think saying ‘oh, Doris had a sapphire and white gold ring’ or something might be ok, price no, especially as he then offered you something significantly ‘less’.).

MulticolourMophead · 13/02/2020 19:53

OP, I think you are wise to slow things down, and I'd also recommend a good look at the relationship and how he's treating you.

It's clear the ring is just a symptom of your feelings, it's making you think. Especially when he was the one to bring up the price of his ex's ring, not you.

The socks for your birthday, only wrapped when you arrived, and no card despite him talking about it, all suggests he doesn't think you're worth it.

Take more time to see how he treats you. Does he show care in other ways, or not? Eg, making you drinks you like, etc, etc.

kingkuta · 13/02/2020 19:58

Completely agree with MulticolourMophead above. I know it's not good form to search past posts but something someone said upthread made me look and god he sounds awful OP. You deserve so much better and hope you realise it soon.

threatmatrix · 13/02/2020 20:02

Why don’t you look at antique rings, you get so much more for your money. I would never buy new jewellery as it’s around 500% markup.

MrsBadcrumble123 · 13/02/2020 20:05

Stop being so materialistic - if he’s in a tight budget then you can always offer to contribute! Go to a goldsmith they can make the ring plus can usually get diamonds direct from dealers so it works out cheaper

Noconceptofnormal · 13/02/2020 20:08

I'd be insulted by a £150 engagement ring... But then I'd also be insulted by a £600 ring so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

Unless there's a really good reason, an engagement ring should be something a man has had to save up for as a symbol of his commitment.

I'm sure I'll get flamed by all the feminists for that but in real life this is how a lot of women feel.

Ohyesiam · 13/02/2020 20:10

Comparison is the thief of joy

kingkuta · 13/02/2020 20:20

Why are some people spectacularly missing the point? Its not about the budget. Her DP told her hed spent 600 quid on his exs engagement ring then showed her some cheap shit he thought would do for any future engagement they might have. Oh and he hasnt even proposed yet. Its as if hes trying to make her feel inferior. Put her in her place He sounds like a right headworker

ChristmasCarcass · 13/02/2020 20:43

kingkuta it’s a variation on the MN feeding the 5000 on one roast chicken/“my wedding cost thruppence ha’penny and the reception was held under a dustbin” one-upmanship. Terribly gauche to suggest you’d like something nice for yourself. You should spend the money on private school fees or a housekeeper instead.

winniestone37 · 13/02/2020 21:09

I think the issue here isn’t really the ring- it’s that you think after this exchange you’re not good enough in some way. That’s on you I’m afraid. Secondly you’re getting married, why on Earth is mumsnet your first stop? Talk to him say how you feel and own it.

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 21:13

You can have something nice without spending thousands on it. There are some beautiful vintage rings that represent really good value for money. I’ve never seen the point of spending ££££ on something that depreciates by 50% the moment you leave the shop.

ChristmasCarcass · 13/02/2020 21:23

You can have something nice without spending thousands on it. There are some beautiful vintage rings that represent really good value for money

If he was saying “look love I don’t earn much, but I’ve seen this gorgeous antique ring for £150 what do you think?” OP would BVU.

But he isn’t saying that, he’s saying “I may have spent £600 on my ex, but some cheapo tat is fine for the likes of you”. Or that is what OP is hearing, anyway.

YummyChipCurryDip · 13/02/2020 21:36

I would really appreciate anyone how has been in this situation (getting married for the nth time) to gain a little perspective on things

I've been married twice. The second time I didn't have an engagement ring. It seems a bit pointless second time around. It would honestly have felt a bit cringe. So his first wife got one and I didn't. I didn't ask for a ring and he didn't offer. It never crossed my mind.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/02/2020 21:49

Unless there's a really good reason, an engagement ring should be something a man has had to save up for as a symbol of his commitment

And what does the woman have to do to prove her commitment? Feel like I’ve stumbled back to the1950s.

Given the previous marriages, tradition and commitment aren’t really appropriate imo.

Commonwasher · 13/02/2020 21:56

Given that you are not intending to get married anytime soon, and that you are fed up with his lack of attention re birthdays. Maybe it would be good to look at the ‘5 love languages’ stuff on tinterweb and think a bit about how you express and want to receive love, and also how he does. Some people prioritise quality time, others gestures of love, like gifts for example, others words of affirmation, others physical touch — it’s helpful to know which you tend towards, and which your partner does, it helps to understand where the other is coming from. He might regard a ring as a ‘trinket’ and prefer to spend money on your home or holiday or a meal together. Whereas for you the ring is meaningful long term.

Best of everything.

And no, I don’t think you are materialistic or unreasonable.

ims0rrydarlin · 13/02/2020 22:08

The price shouldn’t really matter. I mean, she’s an ex for a reason.

My DP has been married before. Big fancy wedding, expensive dress, the lot.

We’re getting married this summer but just opting for a registry. I’ve never been married before so I could feel entitled to have the full works of a grand wedding just because his ex had it. But it’s not a competition is it?

Have a chat with him about the ring.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 13/02/2020 22:12

Another vote for vintage/antique/even older. DP and I are never getting married, so no need for an engagement ring, but he did buy me a fairly simple band from ebay as a present.

No idea how much it cost - maybe £50? It's about 500 years old and I absolutely adore it. My mum loved it so much as an idea that I bought her an 18th Century silver ring (also from ebay) for her birthday. I just love knowing that it has so much history behind it.

Harvestsquirrel1 · 14/02/2020 01:45

Why would he tell you how much she spent on her ring?

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