to be upset (engagement ring)

[asSASSin8]

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP but will you be spending THE SAME amount on your engagement gift for this husband as the last? And will you be spending roughly the same amount on that gift as you want him to spend on your ring?

YABU. What matters is that you have a ring you like, and it should be special to you because it came from him. The cost should be irrelevant.

If you are so hung up on getting the same amount spent on you as his last wife, then you are nowhere near emotionally ready to marry. This would be bad enough if you were comparing the cost to his salary. It might even be understandable if you wanted him to spend more because you wanted a particular stoke.

But “I want what she had”? There’s something wrong there that you need to work through, if that’s so important to you.

Thinking about it, I’m a second wife - I have absolutely no idea what my husband spent on his first wife’s ring. Why would you even discuss that?

If I had my time again, I would 100% choose a second hand (popularly called 'vintage') engagement ring. I had one made when DH and I got engaged, but have since bought second hand rings. You don't pay VAT on second hand jewellery for a start, and all new jewellery drops in value the minute you buy it. You will get so much more for his money if you consider second hand. And they're not necessarily old fashioned - some are very modern and pretty much what you will see in every jewellery shop brand new.

How about just getting an unusual wedding ring?

I have been married before. DH had been engaged before.

He spent over £1k on his ex’s ring and closer to £300 on mine, we are in a better financial situation than he was with his ex.

It doesn’t worry me at all. I told him I want to marry him, I don’t want jewellery! I can buy myself an expensive piece of jewellery if I want one but I think it’s a waste of money.

I did want it to be gold and diamond though because it’s traditional and you can buy a lovely ring of value and sentiment without going over board. I told him if he spent £1k I would be furious, we need work on the house doing more

Don’t be silly. It doesn’t matter how much he spends on you! My engagement ring cost £150 because at the time my DH didn’t have much money... my eternity ring cost £1,000 when we were better off with money but I treasure my engagement ring more even though it cost less. YABU stop comparing yourself to his ex he’s with you, he loves you!

Do you still have your other engagement ring? Could you have that remodelled - say if you had a solitaire you could change the setting from yellow gold to white gold and surround the stone with a halo of tiny diamonds and add some baguettes at the shoulders. A good jeweller will give you different options. Or, trade it in for something you like.

I get that you wouldn't be too impressed with a silver CZ ring but that may be all he can afford for now. Second time around I'd be more worried about keeping a roof over your head (preferably one you own in a nice location) and providing adequately for any DC you both may have.

My partner and I are getting engaged soon, both been married before, he asked if I would be offended if he gave me a ring he bought for a previous long term GF who broke the engagement, I said I didn't care what it was as long as it given with love. He has had the ring tweaked slightly with the addition of a ting ruby inside the band that only we will know is there (a piece of his heart) ... for me it's the sentiment its given with, not what it cost or who it belonged to (I love 2nd hand jewellery)

Silver and CZ isn't something that will last long term.

I am open to the criticism I am receiving and thankful for the kind words also which are sanding down some of the edges.

I asked the question because I wanted to know and it has given my head a bit of a shake - which I need. I think perhaps this is more of a comparison issue than the ring itself. I don't even wear jewelry! How do you stop yourself doing this. It is a bit exhausting tbh.

I only know how much he spent previously because he told me. I didn't even ask, it just kind of came up when he asked the question about what style of ring I would like.

I am my husbands 2nd wife, he did the whole romantic proposal with a fancy ring, the big wedding abroad and the full shebang... when they divorced he was in a ridiculous amount of debt that took him years to pay off. We got married in a registry office with a ‘bit of a do’ at the golf club and that’s ok, we have a lovely life, no debt, I’m a sahm (and love it) so there really is no comparison for me.

It didn’t matter how much her ring cost, their marriage ended so it wasn’t the answer to their happy ever after.

Congratulations on your engagement, enjoy your relationship for what it is. Happy.

There’s a difference though between wanting a ring you like vs wanting a ring because it’s more expensive.

You can get cheaper rings which are nice anyway or you can get expensive ones which are still hideous.

It should b about the ring not the cost of it.

I understand how you feel OP having felt 2nd best in a thankfully shortlived (abusive) relationship.
I would feel the same and wouldn't be seen dead in cz/silver junk jewellery, it isn't to my taste at all. If that makes me materialistic then so be it.

He told you the cost of his Ex wife's ring?! Do you think he's just winding you up?

You're not being grabby at all. Apart from anything else, a cheap ring won't last and it's supposed to be a symbol of enduring love.

Mind you, for a couple of hundred quid you could get a v decent antique ring that would last the course, so that's an idea.

They got engaged a few years ago

Engaged to someone else recently enough that ring prices haven't changed; split up; met someone else; fell in love for long enough to propose again?

None of that sounding any alarm bells, OP?

My first engagement ring was £1600 from exH. We were 23.
My ring my 2nd and favourite husband bought me a much more expensive ring but we waited until he had paid off his debt.

I know people are saying it’s your second marriage and not a big deal but it really is! I would be massively annoyed by a CZ ring!

Silver and CZ will not last. CZs scratch and chip with everyday wear, and silver is a soft metal.

Gold is softer than silver and CZ is very hard, not as hard as diamond, but diamonds can and do chip. Also if you are buying diamonds new it is very hard to be sure they sourced ethically. As pp have mentioned antique/vintage may be the way to go. Although a pp claimed VAT isn't payable on second hand, this is only the case if, like anything else, the vendor is not VAT registered.

Have you shown him the style of ring you like? Maybe he feels comfortable with you and doesn’t need to prove anything with an expensive ring.

DH and I are both on our second marriages. I imagine his ex got a much more expensive ring as they had way more money than we do. They also had a massive white church wedding while we did something very different. We chose our rings together - mine was a set of coordinating engagement and wedding bands, beautiful but not very expensive and about the same as the cost of his wedding ring. They’re both completely different to our rings with our exes as we’re both different people now.

You need to be able to talk about this stuff.

You need to talk to him about this. If the issue is financial than maybe suggest you wait until you both can afford a ring you love since you are hoping to wear it for the rest of your life. For £150 you aren't getting a diamond - a CZ will not last long.

I do completely understand where you are coming from, but I think for you to have a long, happy and trusting marriage you just can't compare vs the ex. It will tie you up in knots, cause arguments and drive you mad. You have to start as if it's a blank sheet. Good luck.

I get this, OP. You don’t sound materialistic, you are understandably wondering if this suggests something about his attitude to you. Why the hell he told you how much he spent on his ex is a bit concerning. Offering you a markedly cheaper ring after that is bound to make you wonder.
All these posts suggesting how to get a good value ring for less money rather miss the point.

I really couldn't care less about this. DH bought me a cheap ring when we first got engaged, it is my favourite piece of jewellery still and everyone comments on how beautiful it is ten years later. I wonder if they realise it cost next to nothing haha Its the sentiment and what it symbolises that counts not how much he spends on it...