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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset (engagement ring)

274 replies

asSASSin8 · 12/02/2020 08:46

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 12/02/2020 10:26

The wedding ring is the important bit.

I opted not to have an engagement ring and neither my not my DH’s wedding rings were pricey but we wear them all the time, not because of what they are made of our how they look, but because of what they symbolise.

catpoooffender · 12/02/2020 10:30

I think YABU, and I think if you were to raise this with him, he might worry about you setting the tone for your future marriage! The fact is that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, which in my view is a pretty good sign that he values you at least as much as he valued his ex...

WooMaWang · 12/02/2020 10:30

@asSASSin8 I think, since he told you how much he spent last time, it is really hard not to make the comparison and feel like he's decided you merit a less nice ring. Why on earth would he tell you that? It's like he wanted to make the comparison.

I don't agree with other posters that it doesn't matter because it's a second marriage for both of you. That's a weird way of looking at it (although it does seem to reflect deeply ingrained ideas that first marriages are somehow more important or real - even though they clearly ended, usually in divorce, if there's going to be another one). An engagement should be special.

Ninkanink · 12/02/2020 10:31

When he gave you socks for your birthday after going on about how much he was looking forward to giving you a card, you should have called him out on it. He may not have consciously done it, but he promised you one thing and delivered a pale imitation. I would have said to him, ‘where is the ‘card with girlfriend on it’ that you’ve been going on about? Thank you for the socks but next time please don’t tell me about how you left it to the last minute to order and then wrapped it at my house. It makes me feel like it’s just an afterthought on your part, I really don’t feel valued and appreciated. Oh and I’d love a bunch of flowers on my next birthday.’

You tell people how to treat you, by what you’re willing to accept from them.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 12/02/2020 10:33

In these days of so called equality isnt the whole engagement ring a bit dated

CameFromAway · 12/02/2020 10:38

You can always opt out entirely. If you don't wear jewellery, who needs a darned ring.Do something original.

Like SW suggested, commission or buy some art. Plant some fruit trees in your garden as a symbol of hope and trust in the future. Or pay via one of the several charities to have a wood planted in your names - investing in the lungs of the planet, creating something that can last for centuries. Sponsor a bench along a favourite walk, get tattoos, buy each other an experience together instead of jewellery.

Then there's no possibility of comparison because you're changing the rules.

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 10:42

He's pretty shit at presents, isn't he, OP? A pair of socks and no card!

You've been married before. You know what it's like when things go wrong. Please don't go through that again. Think very carefully before you get engaged to this guy.

Aderyn19 · 12/02/2020 10:46

I don't think you should be considering marriage yet given that he generally doesn't seem to make much effort for you.
Even if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you don't necessarily want to spend yours with him, if he doesn't raise his game. It's not about money, but about effort.

RachelEllenRE · 12/02/2020 10:50

I'm my husband's second wife and I know he spent more on her ring. We had a lovely time looking at antique rings and chose a beautiful one together that I love. Much cheaper than new. We knew we wanted children quite soon so didn't want to spend a fortune. I don't think he needs to spend the same but quality is important for something you'll wear every day for the rest of your life!

As for the timing, his marriages were fairly close together and it wasn't a red flag, I get that it can be but it wasn't in his case and I'm sure you know him best to decide this yourself.

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2020 10:52

What did he get you for Christmas? I hope he's upped his game considerably since the socks

Cyberve · 12/02/2020 10:57

Try not to focus on what he spent. I get why it would annoy you though.

Just show him rings you like, not focusing on price. I didn't focus on price, although obviously not a ridiculous amount. But I wasn't going to get something I hated, you have to wear the ring forever. I don't want something on my hand that is ugly and I hate, that's just stupid.

Cost us £899 but it was a bridal set so got the wedding ring too. It's not a diamond either, it's my birthstone with diamonds around it. I love it.

mrsBtheparker · 12/02/2020 10:57

Were I to be considering marrying someone who thought the price of the ring was important I would be having second thoughts!

ilovenaps · 12/02/2020 10:59

My engagement ring was £200 and it's white gold, so for the price he's looking at you probably can get something other than silver or cubic zirconia. And it was from h samuels

Anon87 · 12/02/2020 11:01

It's not shallow or materialistic to want to pick something you are going to enjoy wearing everyday potentially for the rest of your life.

I work in second hand jewellery and it grates on me that some men aim to propose with a silver CZ ring. The metal and stone aren't the issue to me it's the "this one is £20 but this £25 one is a lot more to her style that you said she likes and just generally is nicer" "nah can pick some beers up with that fiver" 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ The mentality!

After working with 2nd hand jewellery I never have or would buy new again. It's just not worth it and no one would ever know.

I went with a tension set diamond just over half a carat set in platinum. I knew I wanted platinum because of the tough wear it's going to have with counters. It cost us £300 and got valued/insured at £3000!
This was randomly sold to my shop.... Shop around to see what you may like and never miss an opportunity to check out a pawnbrokers on your travels x

user1486131602 · 12/02/2020 11:02

Why not no engagement ring but a wedding band with stones?

But socks?Really?!

ChipsyChopsy · 12/02/2020 11:05

Maybe he realises that spending a lot of money doesn't make the commitment any more secure, and wants something that will have enduring sentimental value.

Also, his finances could be different or his ex made demands to have a fancy ring.

Thehop · 12/02/2020 11:06

I’m now married to dh number 2, bit first time for him.

We had the wedding and things we wanted and could afford regardless of me being married before. It was the first time I was doing everything with him!

YANBU to want an engagement ring that you love, but see if he can afford it. If he can’t then maybe have a chat about saving together for one and getting a second hand one? Mine is and was such good value. I got a much bigger/better diamond than I would have in a high street jeweller.

crosspelican · 12/02/2020 11:07

It's not about the money in terms of actual pound notes - it's about the value he places on pleasing you, which - from your description - is low. If somebody doesn't have £50 for a birthday meal out, they could spend £10 and cook you an amazing meal at home and make it romantic and "fancy". It's about care and attention (both ways). It sounds as though even just wrapping the socks BEFORE you arrive next birthday would be a step up for him - he is setting that bar LOW.

On the financial side, if a grown man's finances are so precarious that he can be talking about "£150" and "engagement ring" in the same breath because that's literally all he can afford, then I would worry about binding myself financially to him through marriage, and later, children. Apart from anything else, a wedding, even a very modest one, is going to cost more than that.

kingkuta · 12/02/2020 11:12

So he spent £600 on his exs ring but is showing you some crappy silver and cubic zirconia ones? Did he even ask your opinion before you got shown the Elizabeth Duke specials? Shows what he thinks of you really doesnt it. Id tell him to fuck off.

Bagofoldbones · 12/02/2020 11:13

OP my dh is SHIT at giving presents. He has come up with some lovely gifts over the years but mostly it’s a miss.

My worst mistake ever was the year, I was asked what I wanted for Xmas. I replied ‘oh nothing, I’ve got everything —titter— and her actually got me nothing Sad

I choose my own engagement ring because it’s me that’s going to be wearing it. Maybe his ex chose hers too?

In regards to gifts/birthday presents tell him what you want. I do now Grin

OliviaBenson · 12/02/2020 11:16

I get it op.

I'd be happy if I fell in love with a beautiful antique ring which happened to be £150. But he's just showing you new cheap rings.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 12/02/2020 11:27

Maybe it’s a test?

Seeing as he hasn’t actually proposed.

icannotremember · 12/02/2020 11:28

I honest to fucking god do not get the amount of posts there are with angst over an engagement ring.

Do you love him? Want to marry him? Why is the price of a ring such a big deal? If it is that big a deal, don't get married. Or buy your own flashier ring.

Whoops75 · 12/02/2020 11:33

If you want to do things differently then don’t get a traditional engagement ring get a band with diamonds in it.

I love this style, it’s like two rings in 1

to be upset (engagement ring)
grudieabbey · 12/02/2020 11:37

Doesn’t matter if the first engagement ring cost 100,000 - it was meaningless in the end. The cost of the ring is redundant - it’s the marriage you need to both focus on.