to be upset (engagement ring)

[asSASSin8]

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

It didn’t “just come up” though, OP, he told to tell you this. Why?

My ring was expensive and I’m DH’s 4th wife. He was in the position to spend the money at the time, if he hadn’t been I would have suggested a second hand one.

Fair dos, OP!

I think the way to step outside the comparison thing might be to concentrate on what is right for you. And if you don’t generally wear jewellery, a sticky-out rock on your finger might be the last thing you want.

You could commission (or buy) a painting together if your favourite view, or wear a locket with something special in it, or plant a beautiful fruit tree in your garden... whatever feels special to the two of you.

I think you should focus on finding a ring you love rather than just comparing cost. An engagement ring is something you will likely wear everyday for the rest of your life so it needs to be something you will get pleasure from looking at on your finger day in and day out.

If that means you need to save up for a bit longer, or buy something vintage, then I would do that rather than settle for something that you're going to look at everyday and feel a bit sad about.

I have a beautiful vintage mother of pearl and coral ring that I bought at an antiques fair that cost around £100 that gives me pleasure every time I put it on as I really love it, so it doesn't always follow that you need to spend a fortune to get something you really love.

I don't think YANBU at all. A silver ring is not going to cope with years of daily wear, it is?

The OP knows a few years ago her DP thought £600 was a reasonable amount to spend on a ring. To find out he's planning on spending 1/4 of that can't feel great.

OP, your DP is asking your opinion, so give it. If you don't like silver and CZ, tell him. Try to avoid making comparisons to his ex's ring though (both to him and to yourself).

I didn’t bother with an engagement ring, I just chose a wedding ring with diamonds in it.

I agree, @BuzzShitbagBobbly

I'd rather wait, let him save up and get a ring that is going to last for the rest of your life. Which a cheap ring won't.

I had an 18 carat gold engagement ring that I've had to stop wearing as the gold had thinned out so much at the back it was ready to snap

I think you want to feel that he thinks you’re worth the best he can can afford (I mean reasonably afford, not tie himself in knots and debt for years) and if the best he can afford is £100 then great, but if he could drop £5k tomorrow without breaking a sweat and still thought that £100 ring was good enough for you, I’d feel a bit hurt in that position.
Unless like the poster above says YOU really love that £100 ring - that’s different.

I wouldn’t so much mind about the price. Concentrate on whether you like the ring and would wear it.

Choose one you like and don’t mind looking at everyday forever.

I totally get why you would feel like this OP - I don't think you're being grabby at all.

OK, so you agree it’s an issue - that you are comparing, it’s not just about the ring.
Don’t get married!
Either he is doing something that is causing your lack of security and tendency to compare - in which case, run a mile! Or, it’s coming from you - in which case, get counselling before you get an engagement.
There are enough problems to be overcome in marriage without knowingly bringing problems into one! If you’re not secure enough with him to stop the constant comparisons, you’re not secure enough with him to be thinking about engagement rings.

I get where you are coming from totally . I wouldn't be happy .

Ask if you're a quarter of the value of her!

I'd be annoyed, but not enough to lose him or call off wedding.

More fool him for telling you how much he spent before

I've been married twice. First time I was a silly teenager and I loved my diamond ring. Second time he gave me a pretty Victorian ring. I don't know where it is, don't know why he bought it as I'm not a jewellery wearer obviously I know some people love jewellery and we are all different. I don't think it helps you that I'm not bothered because you feel how you feel. If you talk to him and he explains e.g. he wants to take you on a fantastic honeymoon and thinks that would be better than a ring so is putting the money towards that, then you might understand. If you then explain that the ring matters to you he might get it.

The relative cost of this ring and any previous ring isn’t necessarily relevant. It all depends how much you can afford to,spend at any given time. That being said I would rather have no ring than a silver/cz engagement ring. IMO silver/cz are fine for pretty fashion jewellery but not for something I’d want to wear regularly for ever.

That being said, even gold and diamonds don’t last forever. My gold solitaire engagement ring has had the band repaired twice because it wore thin, the clasps holding the stone in have broken and had to be replaced. Another time the stone fell out and had to be reset (lucky I found it). Finally, after thirty years of hard service the stone has cracked and split (knocking up against better stones on another ring) and it’s been retired.

Why don’t you contribute to the budget so you can get something a bit nicer?

It didn’t “just come up” though, OP, he chose to tell you this. Why?

@ShatnersWig Your question wasn't a good 'gotcha' the first time you posted it.

Most people don't get their partner an engagement present, and you know it 🙄 The ring isnt a 'present,' its supposedly a symbol of commitment by the person asking the other person to marry them... If she was the one to ask him then she would be the one getting the ring, so shush.

Honestly, I'd be a bit offended.

However, the second time around I didn't bother with an engagement ring, I got a sparkly wedding ring instead.

The main point of an expensive ring is to have one that lasts for a start.

I wouldn't be happy with a £100 ring either, you can find something nice without spending 1000s, but it should be a bit special.

It depends how much cash is available.
I was clear I wanted a great ring because I intend to wear it every day until I die.
I certainly wouldn't have had us in debt over it though!

He only got engaged at few years ago’, here he is divorced and getting engaged to you, he’s a fast mover!!

We're on our second "marriage" I don't know how much he spent on his exWs won't but I know he bought the wedding band from Amazon for £17 .

I like blingy rings, he knows this. I also didn't get a proper wedding with my ex, never proposed (do no engagement ring).

This time if I really wanted to I could buy said ring, sometimes I just stop myself because in the end I do want my proposal and my nice wedding. So until that can happen we won't get married.

To me marriage is a formality and won't change how I feel and how committed we are to each other