to be upset (engagement ring)

[asSASSin8]

Me and my DP have been talking about the future and wanted to know what style of rings I liked for when the time came. We have both been married before and I am trying to steer clear of what I had before as I would like something different this time round. He mentioned that he spent about £600 on his ExW's engagement ring, but when he's shown me ones he's looking at they've been about £150. I'm not too keen on the designs or materials the rings of that price range are made of (Silver and CZ).

AIBU to expect the same to be spent on me? This is making me feel like I don't somehow deserve as much as his ExW did and wondering whether this is setting a tone for our lives together.

Please help - am I being silly and materialistic, or would others feel the same?

His financial situation is really relevant. Maybe he can't afford another 600 quid ring now. Does he make you feel like he loves you less in other ways?

Just because it's a second marriage, that doesn't mean it's less important than the first. What's the point of getting married again at all, if that's the case.
I'd want a ring that I loved - obviously I wouldn't want him to get into loads of debt but if his priority was spending as little as he could get away with, then I would be questioning his commitment to me.

My engagement ring was a third of the price of DH's first wife's - but it was a decision we made together (as obviously we shared finances by then), and it's still good quality materials that will stand the test of time, and it's exactly what I wanted. That last part is the important bit. Don't compare costs, but do get something you want, that will last, and is affordable for your current financial circumstances.

I can't thank you all enough for your honesty. I didn't want to talk to anyone in RL as I have a feeling they'd side with me. I am enjoying the impartiality on here.

We are not getting engaged any time soon, I think he just wanted to start getting ideas for when the time comes. This all started with his initiation and now I feel terrible for feeling this way - but I do feel this way and I need to understand why before this moves forward as it ringing a bit of an alarm bell to me.

I love @SW16 's idea - thank you - I would never have thought of them.

My first engagement ring cost £1300 and wedding band £400, but I don't expect that again and tbh I wouldn't want that again. Those pieces are sat in my jewelry box as resale value is shocking. I don't know if it's acceptable to look at repurposing/incorporating them because of what they used to symbolise - thoughts would be welcome

It's not so much the value, I think it's the comparison that he told me what he spent last time (I'm not sure why he told me) and showing me possibly what he is willing/able to spend now. The niggle of comparison. I haven't told him what my last ring cost, nor that I bought my ExH an engagement present for that reason. As others have suggested, perhaps I need some counselling to work the comparison thing before even contemplating getting re-married.

Crikey I am very surprised by the equal split of the vote I think you ANBU at all, £150 seems like a pointless amount to spend (unless he is extremely hard up) I would rather not have a ring at all. You don't have to go bonkers and definitely would consider second hand (my ring is my DH's grandmothers ring so nowt spent) but £150 is just embarrassing imo unless he is 16, which he isn't.

I’d melt down your previous rings and top up with his budget to have a jeweller make a new ring for you. Provenance wouldn’t bother me.

I think talking to your DP about this is the best course of action. If he loves you he will want to discuss your feelings. Maybe he can put you at ease. Maybe off loading to him you feel second best will take the wind out of the feeling.

Alternatively - cut out/print out pages of the rings you like and leave them where he will see them!! Lol.

@Loubeale I have my dead MiL diamond in my engagement ring. (We had to reset it as she had tiny hands and a very high setting I would have broken). I took it as a massive honour that my FiL was welcoming me into the family and that my husband was happy enough for me to have his mum's things. It cost a fraction of a new ring but I treasure it.

(I have been engaged before and probably felt a little like the poster above - as he didn't want to save hard for my ring - which was more an indication of his feelings about the whole thing....hence we didn't last!)

Silver and CZ rings are often given as a commitment/promise ring, usually bought as a pre engagement purchase. It is a American thing I think? I've sold a few but only to younger couples that were saving up for a engagement ring.

Is it part of a bigger picture re his being cheap OP? As in, being mean with presents, not wanting to do things that would mean him spending money and suchlike?

@flouncyfanny you ‘weren’t allowed it’??

Did you remind him that the ring was for you and it was your tastes and feelings that mattered in that regard?

Stop comparing yourself. His first marriage clearly didn't work out, so why feel the need to compare to it in any shape or form.

Why not just ask him what’s the budget for this ring? If this is going to be someone you are wanting to spend the rest of your life with then you should be able to ask what’s the budget. How are you going face other issues if you can’t have a conversation about the engagement ring. Don’t worry about the £600 ring it didn’t mean the marriage lasted did it? Mine cost £80 and I’ve happily married for 18 years, he was engaged before me and spent a lot on a ring but I didn’t care I wanted a marriage not a fancy engagement ring.

Flouncy that’s so unreasonable of your H!

I’m getting married for the second time. My first rings have nothing to do with what DP & I will be getting (I will trade in my old ring to get a lower price tho).

I don’t think previous relationships should factor what rings you buy, it should be something you love (being the one who will be wearing it), and is affordable.

@flouncyfanny you accepted him telling you what you were “allowed”?

@YetAnotherSpartacus - my first birthday (although we had been together officially only a month) he got me socks with I heart motorbikes - which I do. But I didn't get a card or flowers to go with them. I then found out he ordered them (he told me) 2 days before my birthday and wrapped it when I arrived at his house. I was a bit annoyed as it didn't feel much thought or effort had gone into them. I let it go as we'd only been seeing each other for a short while. I was annoyed about the lack of card because he said he couldn't wait to get a card that said girlfriend on it and it didn't materialize

I would go vi take/antique/secondhand if I were getting engaged again, there are some beautiful ones here

www.cavendishjewellers.co.uk/rings-c95

Second marriage here - my engagement ring came from a pawnbrokers - it was cheap(ish) and I couldn't give a monkey's as it was what I wanted. If it had been a fiver (or a Haribo ring) I wouldn't have cared (actually if it had been a Haribo ring I would have eaten it) it is what it stands for, as long as it lasts,, ever thought of 2nd hand? Mine is unique - never seen anything like it before or since...

@Ellisandra he would have had the ring handed right back to him. I wouldn’t accept anyone telling me what I was and wasn’t allowed. Especially not in regards to an engagement ring!

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It doesn’t sound like he is ready for this - which is not surprising given that he is fresh out of another very short lived marriage.

£150 on a silver & CZ ring sounds more the budget of a love struck student.

Maybe take a step back emotionally & don’t rush things until you are both ready.

THAT HAVING BEEN SAID - take a look at what a couple of hundred can buy on Carat London... A super trendy “placeholder” perhaps?

@asSASSin8 I’m not sure you should get engaged, if I’m honest. He doesn’t sound as if he can actually be bothered with anything much for you. Is that what the ring issue is actually about? Because if so, it’s a red flag and you really ought to reconsider. Is he helpful, supportive and committed in practical ways, does he treat you well and is he thoughtful towards you? Does he value you properly?

I'm surprised you can't just talk to him about it? Surely now, second marriage and all that, priorities have changed, maybe there are other things he values spending money on?

My engagement ring was ~£4,500 and to be honest, if I had my time again, I'd just go to one of those silver workshops and make each other a lovely ring for a couple of hundred and be done with it.
After the excitement of the rings we realised we'd rather spend money on our future than jewellery and parties and spent a total of £800 on the 'wedding day' itself!

As you said, jewellery values tank once they're second hand...so perhaps you could go shopping at vintage stores and trade in your old rings towards the cost?!

Also, are you in the habit of letting things go with various contrived justifications for thoughtless behaviour and/or being taken for granted?

@asSASSin8 ... in that case, I think you need to sit and wonder if this is all about the ring or is a deeper issue of which the ring is merely emblematic - and discussion here will sidetrack the issue because it will all be about rings and people will base responses on their own experiences (about rings).

FWIW I file marriage under 'crock of shit' and would never bother with a ring. I also would not wear a cheaply made and tacky ring for any other purpose. I'd rather have a bare finger. I actually don't care for stones and have a couple of handmade gold rings that my parents bought me years ago (they gave me money for birthdays and I saved it and spent it). But the key is I saved it for something I like wearing rather than buying something cheap.

I would be more than open to secondhand/vintage. I would like something that will last and is to my taste.

It's not that I'm not comfortable talking to him about it, but I wanted to gain a little perspective before I approach him about it.