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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

141 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:33

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

OP posts:
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 11/02/2020 22:37

Have they got form for being selfish arses?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/02/2020 22:37

So sorry you’ve lost your mum, I can’t imagine how painful that is Flowers

They’ve been crap. Some people are awful with grief and what to say but as SIL has been through it herself you’d think she’d be more thoughtful.

redcarbluecar · 11/02/2020 22:38

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum, OP.. Hope you’re ok. Do your BIL and his wife have form for being thoughtless or rude, or is this a bit out of character for them?

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:42

BIL has form for acting really badly when other people are getting attention, which weirdly this may come under, this includes following birth of both of our DC. She has posted numerous times about the loss of her own dad on fb, I find it incredible that she hasn't been in touch. So.insulted and enraged tbh. They're planning a big event for.one of their dcs and bil has been onto dh about us travelling and I have no interest in going. In my family you'd be pulled up on it but in theirs I'd be the one who looked bad if I 'make a fuss' So hurt about it. Thank you for your message about my brave mum.

OP posts:
itswonkylampshade · 11/02/2020 22:44

So sorry for the loss of your Mum Flowers

They sound like utter arseholes. Unforgivable behaviour.

itswonkylampshade · 11/02/2020 22:45

I lost my own Mum last year and feel angry on your behalf! It’s a devastating time.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:49

Thank you. I'm glad I posted as I know I'll be gaslighted and it will be minimised by the ILs. Would you go to the event? I'd like to behave with my DC an feel and dh will have to do the journey solo but personally I'd rather not be there. I told DH how I felt and he waswas silent - he already knew and can't understand it himself and yet a month after Mum passed, heI met brother, brother didn't mention me and DH didnt say a word to him so I'm annoyed about that too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:50

Be with my DC

Feel bad about dh going alone with them!

OP posts:
CantFigureOutHowIFeel · 11/02/2020 22:51

Sorry about your mum OP x

Did they know your mum well? I wouldnt feel comfortable going to my BIL's parents funeral and i see them a few times a year. Id feel awkward going because although i know them, i dont know them well

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:52

I'm sorry Itswonkylampshade that you have lost your mum also. It's such a hard time and unfortunately I've really noted those that haven't shown up.

OP posts:
CantFigureOutHowIFeel · 11/02/2020 22:53

Although i would definetly send him a card and offer support in some way so that bit it definetly shitty

Drum2018 · 11/02/2020 22:55

I assume they were told about your mothers death because the only reason they could be excused is if they live in a bubble and didn't know Hmm It's very bad form that they wouldn't have even sent a sympathy card or call you/Dh at the time. I can understand why you wouldn't want to go and play happy families with them. Not sure what I would do.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:56

Here (Ireland) it's very normal to go to BIL/SIL funerals, absolutely, as you're there for them rather than the person who has died. However I wouldn't have expected but.not to acknowledge it with me at all is the thing I can't get over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:00

Thanks Drum2018 Dh sent a message on family whats app oj the day, he responded sorry to hear that and.no.more was said. I scoured my dad's house in case a card had arrived but no.. I gotan fb message the following month asking me if we were going to their home llace that weekend, I didn't reply and ignored a later friend request.

OP posts:
Andrews21 · 11/02/2020 23:01

I'd get you or your husband when they ask about the next family gathering to send his brother and sil a message along the lines of " hey, I'll try my best to make it, but not sure if OP will. Her mum died recently, ( you do know that, don't you?) and we aren't really in a good place right now. Finding it hard to socialise at present".

SandyY2K · 11/02/2020 23:02

You feel as you do and that's not something you can change.

One way of seeing this, is that if your BIL was clos to you or your DH... he would have acknowledged your loss.

Him living so far away isn't a reason not to be close.

Does your BIL really matter to you in the grand scheme of things?

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:04

Would you go more direct again and say she' was very surprised you weren't in touch and is very hurt?! This is what would be said in my family, and it would have been said months ago! I can't imagine not getting straight onto my BILs/SILs after a loss like that.

OP posts:
Andrews21 · 11/02/2020 23:06

Ps. Sorry about your loss. I lost my dad recently and have to say it was odd how folk responded. The Irish way was very much in your face. We will all ( all several hundred!!) be there for you. We will face this together. Strength and distraction in numbers! But others had the opinion that they should stay away, or not mention it for fear of hurting us further, or bringing it all back... let's not talk about it and therefore it didn't really happen. Everyone reacts differently to grief I realise.

HalfBiscuit · 11/02/2020 23:06

Did they know your DM?

How far away do they live?

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:12

Yes they knew her and v much knew her through her illness. The thing is, as I say, we were there for her, marked it etc when her dad died. She is the type to post big long posts on.fb when someone dies, she's not the shy type! I do care because it feels an insult to me, and to my mum. I think it's a terrible way to behave to.not bother was a decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:14

I get that some don't talk about it but all I expected was an acknowledgment.. they are over 100 milrs away but see them at least 3 times a year. I don't want to have to look at them and hate that I'll be the awkward one if I don't.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 11/02/2020 23:18

Yes I think your DH should mention it to them.

“Is there any reason you didn’t acknowledge heygirl’s mum’s death? Because she’s deeply hurt by your lack of kindness you fuckers - self absorbed pricks!”

Sorry OP I was trying to write something contained but feel too angry on your behalf. Arseholes.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:19

It might be relevant to restate that all the rest of his family were in touch, present and sent cards. They are generally a close family, all of them also went to.her dad's funeral. This would be the.norm, it's not a far removed BIL/SIL.situation. Until now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:21

Thank you AtrociousCircumstance that's the tone I needed! You made me smile :) I think I will ask dh to say something, otherwise I'll be silently raging about it.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 11/02/2020 23:23

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

This is your DHs brother who you don't see much? Sorry to go against the grain but this wouldn't be unusual or offensive in my family. I'm not very close to my BILs, same as you long distance and see 2/3 times a year, have met one of their mums once. Short of a condolence message to the family and nieces at the time it wouldn't be expected for us to make a bigger deal out of it than that, certainly not to go to the funeral. I guess all families are different