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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

141 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:33

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

OP posts:

ChazP · 11/02/2020 23:24

I wouldn’t expect my partner’s siblings to do anything in the event of my dad dying (my mum died long before I met my partner) other than maybe a message to my partner passing on sympathy. I wouldn’t have expected a card or attendance at the funeral, to be honest.

I’m sorry for you loss. Do whatever you have to do to get through this shittiest of times. And if that includes not going to their event, that’s entirely up to you. Take care.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 23:28

Thank you both for a different view. A text would have been fine, absolutely, but nothing is really not. For me.

OP posts:

Thinkingabout1t · 11/02/2020 23:42

Some people are just self-obsessed shits. I’m sorry that you’ve lost your DM and, on top of that, have to cope with these horrible ILs. They are not worth thinking about.

AndThenThereWereSeven · 11/02/2020 23:47

. Invest your time and energy in those that have been there for you.

Jux · 11/02/2020 23:47

I am sorry about your mum, I know what it's like. My mum died 10 years or so ago, along with my younger brother. It was an awful time.

DH's sister had no contact with us at all about it. I didn't expect her to, not her mum, not her brother. Sorry, I do think YABU.

katy1213 · 11/02/2020 23:49

I'm sorry for your loss but you are over-estimating their involvement with your family; I couldn't tell you whether my sisters-in-laws' parents are dead or alive. If it has been mentioned to me in passing - no reason why it should have been - I've forgotten.

NoSquirrels · 12/02/2020 00:02

I couldn't tell you whether my sisters-in-laws' parents are dead or alive

That's not the case in OP's family, though. She's justifiably hurt because in the same situation for her SIL, she acted differently and that's not been reciprocated.

The only (tiny) thing I would say, OP, is that perhaps your SIL thinks it is her DH's "job" to manage relations with his family - and you are part of that family. So it is really your BIL's failing?

On an individual human level I would be cross with her, because she has suffered a bereavement like you and should understand and know how much the acknowledgement means.

On an obligated-wife level I could see that my DH wouldn't give a shit about sympathy cards etc. He just wouldn't do them - an acknowledgement on social media would be it (like the WhatsApp thing). So then it would be up to me to do all the "wife work" of the sympathy card and funeral arranging etc and maybe I just dropped the ball, or it made me feel mad at my DH because HE should be doing it, or it was something I thought would upset me etc.

I dunno - I think it is absolutely 100% your right to feel horribly snubbed and upset about it. But perhaps there's something else going on with your BIL and his wife and dynamics?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Don't go to anything you don't want to. Let your DH deal with his family.

ZenNudist · 12/02/2020 00:03

But you said he said sorry to hear that on family WhatsApp he probably expected dh to pass this on.

Sorry but you are getting upset over the wrong thing. Which is understandable, you are grieving. They do say anger is a stage of grief. Do your family a favour and dont start beef over this and dont harbour resentment.

The comment from pp above is perfect about getting your dh to decline for you pointing out you are grieving and find socialising hard. He can use the opportunity to point out you'd appreciate a text but I dont think you can expect this.

Its unreasonable to expect everyone to deal with news of death in the same way. Personally I dont send cards or texts but do try and speak to the bereaved rather than shy away. Some people really bottle it. Its not a good reflection on them and makes them immature or self involved or lacking in empathy / cold. I get that you have reason to feel peeved but thats it, a peeve, of no real consequence to your life.

If you want to go to the family event then go. But if you dont want to see them skip it and dont feel bad, but don't turn it into a feud.

user1494182820 · 12/02/2020 00:10

Sorry for your loss OP

It may not be the case here, but I have genuinely terrible social anxiety and I really struggle to offer words of condolences, as I don't know how somebody will react. I wouldn't be able to call or text for the same reason (even worse because you can't see the reaction). While it doesn't make it less rude, there may be a reason for it.

Ahitsallover · 12/02/2020 00:30

So sorry for your loss. I can sympathise. When I lost my own DD we didn't hear a thing from my DHs siblings, no call or even text. I'd just given birth to my firstborn and it was a really hard time. We were quite close to them yet even now, 15 years later, they gloss over conversations about him with me. In fact my DSIL once had a friend whose DD had died a few years after mine. My SIL actually said to me how it was so hard for her because she'd never had anyone close to her lose a parent .Seriously!! Some people are crap. You can't change them. Look after yourself and do what you need to do. You don't owe these people anything

kateandme · 12/02/2020 00:55

i think when he saw him my mums brother would be sorry for my dad losing his mum.but im more than sure he wouldnt attend a funeral.
im so sorry for your loss though.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 12/02/2020 00:59

Sorry for your loss OP

My SIL lost her dad recently. DH is no contact with his brother but I stay in touch via Facebook.

She posted about his passing on there and I posted my condolences on the post, and “loved” the couple of memories she later posted, but I didn’t contact her personally or attend the funeral. None of the other siblings in law did either, as we didn’t know him.

Your BIL told your DH he was sorry to hear of her passing, he probably thought that was enough, though as you said they knew your mum and had spent time with her I can see how you would feel upset.

I don’t think they’ve intentionally tried to upset you

agonyauntie2020 · 12/02/2020 01:05

OP, the loss of your mum is a pain comparable to no other. I know this. I am so sorry. Part of me wants to say you may be misdirecting a bit of your grief by getting mad, part of me is 100% WITH YOU. I will never ever speak to a certain cousin again for similar bad behavior. UGH! I would say don't go, and yes, have your husband pass on that you were hurt and shocked. But if you can, in your heart, try and remember, they don't matter. You and your mum and your memories do.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 12/02/2020 11:55

Sorry for your loss. However they didn't ignore your mum's death did they...

he responded sorry to hear that and.no.more was said

It's obviously not the response you wanted but it is a response.

My df died in 2018. I got a card from SiL2 and SiL1 responded to the text that dh sent her with something very similar to your BiL. Neither came to the funeral although their parents did. I am close to both of them when we're all in the same room but when we aren't, they phone/text their brother. Neither of them have brought up my df on the many occasions I have seen them since he died.

I didn't want or expect a card. I rarely ever send them because I loathe the stupid things. My mum got so many cards all full of stupid platitudes and bunches of flowers. I read them on her behalf, made a list of the senders and then put them all in a bag. I'm not even sure she read the list of people who sent them. It's under the table in her studio along with df's ashes for me to deal with when she's dead. I definitely didn't put up the cards I was sent (4 ... one from SiL2, one from a friend and her family, 1 from the local Church and one from my son's french teacher) and my mum didn't put hers up either. I was surprised to get any because I didn't think sending cards to the child of the deceased was a thing.

I think unless they knew how important these things were to you before hand, it's hard to blame them now. We're shaped by our own experiences and for a lot of people, death is something very personal that they don't want to share with the wider world.

Crunchymum · 12/02/2020 11:59

Sorry for your loss OP, but unless you have an incredibly close relationship then I wouldn't expect your DH brother attend your mums funeral?

It was rude not to even send a card though.

Charliecatpaws · 12/02/2020 12:08

OP I'm sorry for your loss, my mum passed away almost 3 years ago and it was heartbreaking (still is). Your IL's are selfish b@stards, you DH needs to speak to his brother about how hurt you feel and I don't blame you not wanting to visit them.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 12:15

Your DH should definitely raise it because if not, they can just pretend to be oblivious and that you’re the rude one by not attending their DC event. And no way would I go to that event.

This would be a massive issue in my family, it’s unthinkable not to visit someone who has lost such a close relative.

Damntheman · 12/02/2020 12:21

I was going to vote YABU as it's not that normal to me for in laws (other than parents in law) to be that involved in the goings on of a family they're not directly attached to and I wouldn't expect anything of my BIL and his wife in that circumstance.

But then you said you were in Ireland. I know the traditions and culture there are very different around funerals and it's not okay for them to have done this at a time when it is culturally expected of them to be supportive.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be so devastating

LtJudyHopps · 12/02/2020 12:22

I’m sorry for your loss OP. But for a lot of people sympathy cards aren’t a done thing. My Nan might send one to one of her friends but I don’t think anyone else in my family/friends would. You BIL has said sorry for your loss so they haven’t been completely ignorant. Some people don’t know how to act in the aftermath of someone else’s bereavement.

TabbyMumz · 12/02/2020 12:22

I find this totally alien. It would be unusual for me to go to my bil's parents funeral, and no way would I expect them to come to my parents...it would be a bit weird. They only met them once, 20 odd years ago. It just wouldnt happen. I know this is Ireland, but just because often things happen and you see them as the norm, doesnt mean everyone else absolutely needs to follow suit. If everyone goes to everyone's funeral, they must hardly ever be at work? What if they cant get time off? In the uK, you'd only get time off work for close family.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 12:26

It’s not really about the funeral though is it? It’s the lack of acknowledgment to OP. That is really rude. And I bet they’ll be the first to get offended if OP doesn’t acknowledge a death in SIL’s family to SIL.

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 12/02/2020 12:28

My bil and sil might ask how I am, or say sorry to hear it etc but probably wouldn't go to the funeral and I doubt I'd hear much after that.
They don't know her really and we're not that close. 🤷🏼‍♀️
You don't sound like you have a close relationship, although a simple sorry for your loss text or card would have been the least I'd expect.

TabbyMumz · 12/02/2020 12:33

"Poohpooh

There hasnt been a lack of aknowledgemwnt, they said to her husband they were sorry to hear that. What more could they do, except perhaps send a card, but sympathy cards are not that commonly used these days. I wouldnt expect anything from my husbands family, they just dont need to.

janetheimpaler · 12/02/2020 12:34

Sorry for your loss heygirl. It sounds like your mum had a community around her during her illness, hopefully this was a consolation to her. English funerals have different rules, so I am not sure that people will understand what an insult this is. If they were unable to come to the funeral, they should at a minimum have attended the removal. I would get your husband to tell them that you are hurt and then leave them with the responsibility of their actions and focus on yourself.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 12:35

I said lack of acknowledgment to OP

They really should have got in touch with OP directly. These are the times people remember, a message to OP would have cost them nothing.

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