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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

141 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:33

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 13/02/2020 06:52

People are overlooking that this is in Ireland. Hands-off English norms surrounding death are not relevant here.

Exactly. Alot of people seem to hard of understanding.

And besides, the op and her DH showed them a good example when her SIL dad passed away.
And yet silence from these two? No, thats not acceptable.
And to message her a month later about travel plans?

But your dh is also not shining here. Why is this not bothering him enough to stand up for you?

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 06:57

There was no expectation that they travel for the funeral! I don't equate a sorry to hear that to my dh as any contact with me. When I heard herit dad died (5y ago) the first thing I did was send her a message myself, I don't think this is particularly high standards but very normal to want to pass on my condolences. In comparison asi said I got messages from people I wouldn't usually hear from at all, that is the norm here. They flew from west coast US years ago, where they lived, for a GP funeral, they usually go along with these norms.

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 13/02/2020 06:58

Sorry about your mum OP.

That's bad behaviour on your bil and sil part. My df's 89 now and back living in UK but still travels to Ireland for friend's funerals.

Soontobe60 · 13/02/2020 07:06

This is a hard one. Obviously you're grieving over your mum, and may still be very emotional. When my dad died, I wouldn't have expected my BIL / SIL to come to his funeral, or even send a card. In fact, very few people did send cards. Regarding the actual funeral, I honestly can't recall who went, there were so many there.
Earlier this year my MIL died suddenly. My brother, who is close to my DH, came to the funeral and it was nice of him to do so, but not expected. When my SILs mother died I didn't even think about sending a card or message. It doesn't mean I didn't feel for her.
You said they've met your mum, but live 100 miles away. I'm assuming they weren't close? They would not get paid time off to attend the funeral as she wasn't a close relative. They would most likely have needed to stay overnight so it would have been two days off work.
Honestly, I think you need to let this one go. Otherwise it will eat you up. Not everyone is like you or would do the same as you but that doesn't mean they are cold, heartless people as some PPs on here would have you believe.
Next time you see them just say something like it's a shame you couldn't make it to mums funeral.then you've acknowledged that their non attendance was noted.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 07:16

I didn't expect them to go to the funeral!! Very frustrating to have to keep repeating it!

OP posts:
Poohpooh · 13/02/2020 07:22

I’m frustrated on your behalf, OP Grin

Minxmumma · 13/02/2020 07:29

Admitting to being lazy and haven't read the full thread .
Some people are utter ......... well there are no suitable words.
Definitely ask your dh to have words, there is no excuse for rudeness they aren't 3.
So sorry for your loss.

eaglejulesk · 13/02/2020 07:31

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum OP Flowers YANBU, they sound very selfish and uncaring to be honest. I'm in New Zealand and people here go to the funerals of people they barely know, mainly to support the family - a man once told me he had just been to the funeral of the parent of a woman he deals with in a bank! If I can't attend a funeral then I send a card - it's quite a simple thing to do and shows that you care. A sympathy message via whatsapp is just a cop-out in my opinion. My ex in-laws didn't attend the funerals of either of my grandparents because "they didn't know them", I never quite forgave them for that.

RuggerHug · 13/02/2020 07:34

NineSwans I came on to say the same thing. We really do grief and mourning our own way here. Not insulting the British way but it's completely different so I wouldn't comment. For OP their behaviour is very unusual. I'm surprised at her saying she didn't expect them to come to the funeral to be honest.

OP, for the invitation I'd just get your DH to reply with some kind of ' well see closer to the time maybe. X isn't really up to it not, you know yourself like when Y was mourning their parent how it can be'

I'm sorry OP.

RoisinD · 13/02/2020 07:40

While their behaviour may be acceptable elsewhere it is absolutely not acceptable in an Irish context. Of course they should have acknowledged your Mam's death, contacted you and offered support and sympathy. To not do so in Irish culture is both rude and ignorant.

You are part of BIL's extended family and I understand how difficult attending any event with him and his wife present would be. They had met and socialised with your Mam which makes their behaviour even more disturbing. IMO you are fully justified in not attending, you have to do what's right for you. To attend feeling as you do will be difficult as your hurt is obvious and the stress of having to deal with all the emotions will make it doubly difficult. You, as a family can decline the invitation or if your husband is attending he can explain.

As you have stated people even with the vaguest connections acknowledge the loss of a close relative. For members of your extended family not to do so goes against all the norms.

DDiva · 13/02/2020 07:53

I'm sorry for your loss.

I appreciate they appear to not have conformed to expectations. However you seem very focused on how you feel. You have no idea if SIL is still struggling with her own grief or other issues and how that may be affecting her actions.

If she posts on Facebook that's her choice and nothing to do with your loss, people grieve differently.

Surely life is too short to cut contact because they didnt send a card. Be kind you are all just trying to deal with life.

Happyandglorious · 13/02/2020 07:59

So sorry for your loss. I also lost my mother and it was the most painful and sad time for me. It must be a terrible time for you.
I don't blame you for being upset with them. People react differently to death but they have shown plain rudeness -probably bc they are self absorbed and a bit thoughtless.
I would not raise it. But also would keep my distance.
As others have said, focus on your kids and dh, yourself and your family and try and remember your mum in good times.
For what it's worth, they didn't mean to hurt you. They just didn't behave nicely and it adds to your heartbreak.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 08:17

For what it's worth the fb comment was to show she's not shy about grief, we've had selfies at the grave fgs. The suggestion that she is still so caught up five years later that she can't bring herself to sendhave a message is a joke!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 08:20

Her being am MLM bossbabe preaching kindness, love and cures for autism doesn't help!

Lol PoohPooh

Thanks again for input re party and you're right, my focus needs to move from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 08:25

What a suppose gets me is that the world stopped turning for her, understandably, and yet I wasn't worth a text when it happened to me despite my support to her.

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 13/02/2020 08:29

I voted YABU and then saw you were Irish. Given the huge swathes of complete strangers who attended my Irish nanny's funeral, including every cousin a millionth times removed, I'm really surprised they didn't go. In England it would be bad form not to send a card but understandable not to go to the funeral.

NoGravyForYou · 13/02/2020 09:46

I'm Irish and I would have expected at least your BIL to have attended the funeral.
My SiL's estranged father died a few years ago, and I attended the wake one evening ( as in the Irish wake before the funeral, not the afters), the funeral and a bit of the afters. She is our family and we were all there to support and care for her. I didn't attend the burial as I feel they should be for close friends and family of the deceased. My brother was happy to have a friendly face as well.

At the very least I would have expected a text message.

Dozer · 13/02/2020 10:12

You’re drip feeding now OP!

If in general you dislike SiL/BIL and wish to have low contact, fair enough! Could be tricky depending on your H’s views and wishes though.

Poohpooh · 13/02/2020 10:17

Why is it a drip feed? I have no time for MLMers!

Dozer · 13/02/2020 10:21

Nor do I! Still a drip feed. OP was asked upthread whether or not she likes her BiL/SIL, her latest post suggests she doesn’t!

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 13/02/2020 10:44

I don't like her fb persona, no.

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 13/02/2020 13:51

For what it's worth the fb comment was to show she's not shy about grief, we've had selfies at the grave fgs. The suggestion that she is still so caught up five years later that she can't bring herself to sendhave a message is a joke!

My Aunt (df's sister) has a strange relationship with grief/death. Anyone who dies becomes all about her because it "triggers" her own grief. When her brother died (df) she screamed down the phone at me for 30 minutes. At no point did she ask how my mum was coping or if I was okay. When she came for the funeral, it was all about her and she wept loudily throughout. I daren't look at her whilst I was doing a reading. Speaking to my Uncle, it turned out when his mother died (her MiL) he couldn't mourn because he was too concerned about her. When my grandmother (her mum) died, I had to give the eulogy because she was too heartbroken to say anything and she cried throughout the service. Apparently the cause of all this was the death of my grandfather nearly 40 years ago. Anything is possible even if it's extremely annoying.

LovePoppy · 13/02/2020 18:58

What a suppose gets me is that the world stopped turning for her, understandably, and yet I wasn't worth a text when it happened to me despite my support to her.

It sounds like she didn’t value your support in the way you would expect.

MimiLaRue · 13/02/2020 19:03

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my mum too Flowers

It really doesnt matter if they knew your mum or not, not even sending a bloody card is really rude and unkind and I get why you're hurt. How long does it take to send a text?- 30 seconds? I'm constantly baffled by people like this- selfish, uncaring idiots. Honestly- I wouldn't bother making any effort with them in future, I really wouldnt. Just ignore their birthdays and dont make any effort to contact them. If they cant be arsed to reach out to you at the most awful time then they dont deserve to have you make the effort for them. Fck them.

Soontobe60 · 13/02/2020 22:10

So now you're sounding downright nasty about your SIL. If you think that badly of her, why did you go to such trouble when her DF died? Saying you're going to cut her off because she didn't send a card is just ridiculous.