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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

141 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:33

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 12/02/2020 13:54

She has posted numerous times about the loss of her own dad on fb

I know I’m not covering myself in glory here but I’d be incredibly tempted to post something like

“So sorry about your father. I don’t know if you heard but I recently lost my mother so I know how hard it is”.

S0 sorry about your mother Flowers

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 14:04

@TabbyMumz

You dont know that though do you. Just because her husband did that, doesnt mean they have to follow suit. This sort of thing just doesnt happen in the UK, or if it does, it's very unusual.

Er yes I do, because OP just said:

‘Yes exactly PoohPooh that wouldn't have been taken well, in fact my PILs went to stay with them to help with DC after her da died.‘

If you don’t believe the OP then that’s a different matter.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2020 14:09

I’m sorry for your loss
When my BILs Mum died I sent a card, same when his Dad died, never occurred to me to visit or go to the funeral
I met both his parents quite a few times and liked them but I just didn’t feel their deaths were anything to do with me

Pumpkinpie1 · 12/02/2020 15:06

I’m sorry for your loss.
Grief can distort our perceptions. You refer to receiving many condolence cards which show how well your mum was regarded. That must be a comfort.
So why are you instead focusing on the abstract? One that wasn’t there when you have so many?
Your BIL & SIL May not have acted to your high standards but it does seem that you are undually focusing on them, instead of your own grief.
They could probably have been more understanding but no bodies perfect and you do seem to be latching on to this as an excuse to sever ties. Not very fair for your husband and children.
Maybe receiving some grief counselling would help you after losing your beloved mum x Take care.

TabbyMumz · 12/02/2020 15:54

"TabbyMumz

"Because that’s what they do in OP’s family. I bet if DH hadn’t attended the funeral of his brother’s wife’s father (or at least called to give condolences) then the SIL / BIL would have been offended."
You dont know that though do you. Just because her husband did that, doesnt mean they have to follow suit. This sort of thing just doesnt happen in the UK, or if it does, it's very unusual"

My "you dont know that" was in relation to you saying they would be offended. Not in relation to the ops family helping the out. You dont know if bil and sil would be offended or not. They might not have given two hoots whether the ops husband went the funeral or whether they sent a card.

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 12/02/2020 16:05

They did because she was extremely grateful, saud everyone was so good. I don't want to cause a feud but I don't want to have to pretend I'm OK with them either.

It sounds like I'm obsessed but it's only the invitation that's brought it up. I don't want dc or dh to miss out at the same time.

OP posts:
Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 16:06

*My "you dont know that" was in relation to you saying they would be offended. Not in relation to the ops family helping the out. You dont know if bil and sil would be offended or not. They might not have given two hoots whether the ops husband went the funeral or whether they sent a card.

So was my response @Tabby. OP says her DH not going to his SIL’s dad’s funeral ‘wouldn’t have been taken well.’ So there are double standards at play here.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2020 16:36

She has posted numerous times about the loss of her own dad on fb

Surely this is her choice. There's nothing stopping you from doing the same if you wanted to.

I think the issue is you expect the same level of condolences and support you offered in return. Life's not like that unfortunately. It would be nice but it's not always the way.

SandyY2K · 12/02/2020 16:41

OP says her DH not going to his SIL’s dad’s funeral ‘wouldn’t have been taken well.’ So there are double standards at play here.

Again, it was his choice to go...and if he didn't want to go he shouldn't have gone just because of what would have been said.

Wouldn't have been taken well by who?

Your DH may be more of a people pleaser and doesn't like the potential fallout of upsetting others....your BIL OTOH doesn't care.

Poohpooh · 12/02/2020 16:46

Wouldn’t have been taken well by the SIL/BIL. As OP says, they expect a lot of support.

It’s clear OP knows that SIL/BIL are employing double standards, and I believe her.

Helpdesk · 12/02/2020 17:15

Sorry for your loss.
YANBU, and I would have to say something in your place.
I lost my mum last year too Op, it’s so hard. Flowers

Vix20678 · 12/02/2020 20:08

Just to say my BIL and SIL have never acknowledged my DM's death. She died last August after a long illness. They didn't send a card, call or even send a bloody text. I think it's so rude and unfeeling.

R2G · 12/02/2020 20:14

I think they should have definitely acknowledged with a card. I wouldn't have been expecting them to visit or attend a funeral

ChicCroissant · 12/02/2020 20:30

OP I am sorry for your loss.

But this is upsetting you far more than it bothers them by the sound of it, so what would be a good outcome for you here? What do you want them to do now?

Original poster
Heygirlheyboy · 12/02/2020 20:52

Thanks all for the empathy and the food for thought.
What I want now, I suppose, is for it to be put up to them so that they have to explain or respond as I know what's expected of me is to smile and say.nothing. I think a good chunk.of my annoyance is coming from knowing that's the family's MO if there's any upset. As I said my family would point out to thr person they should get in touch and that would be that.

OP posts:
Emijen · 12/02/2020 20:54

I’m so sorry for your loss, they should’ve acknowledged it at leastFlowers

LovePoppy · 13/02/2020 01:39

I’m curious
You mentioned PIL moved in (stayed with)?with SIL after her mom died, but you don’t mention where they were for you.

I’m curious if SIL is still very into her grief and just can’t handle anyone else’s. Perhaps she asked her husband to pass on their thoughts. Which he did (although not enough for you).

I’d just skip the party abs try to let it go. People never react to things the same way you do

I’m sorry for your loss

Astella22 · 13/02/2020 02:37

I’m so sorry for your loss but I don’t think they did anything unreasonable here. Your BIL did acknowledge the passing on WhatsApp. It sounds like you are having a tough time and are directing your anger at your BIL wife who is also grieving (granted not as recently as yours but still)
I’m Irish and don’t attend any funerals unless I was really close with that person. I fall apart at funerals and am always in floods of tears regardless of how well I knew them. I feel it best to stay away and not intrude on the families grieving process. I’m also completely non religious so sending any type of Mass card (which is the norm in Ireland) feels fake. My DH also decides if and when we visit his family so if he had a reason it to attend it wouldn’t even occur to me to challenge it.
I hope you can make peace with the situation.

Mintjulia · 13/02/2020 03:05

I’m sorry for your loss.

Do your bil and sil live in Ireland too? In our family, SE of England, we wouldn’t go to a funeral of a sil’s mum or dad. And we probably wouldn’t be wanted there. It would feel intrusive.
I wouldn’t be too offended, people have different values. Your mum knew she was loved.

NineSwans · 13/02/2020 06:22

People are overlooking that this is in Ireland. Hands-off English norms surrounding death are not relevant here.

Dozer · 13/02/2020 06:30

They have behaved badly, and you (or DH) would not be U to tell them that you’re hurt that they didn’t send any personal text messages or a card. If they/other ILs then claim you’re “making a fuss” they’re the U ones and DH should back you up.

But unless you dislike them in general, cutting contact / avoiding BiL, SiL and their family seems unfair on DH and the DC. That said, would skip the upcoming DCs’ event 100 miles away, and DH and DC go alone on this occasion, or all stay home.

Dozer · 13/02/2020 06:34

It’s not up to the IL’s to either “bring them into line” (as you say your family would do) or to expect you to “say nothing and smile”. The issue is between you/DH and BIL/SIL.

The assertive thing to do would be to be polite, direct and clear about how you feel about their (non) actions.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/02/2020 06:37

I’m another who to me personally I wouldn’t have found the lack of acknowledgement odd or being bothered by it. When my dad died my SIL did isn’t come to the funeral, neither did my MIL. Don’t think either of them sent a card. I think they said sorry about your loss the next time I saw them which was a few months down the line.

But maybe with you being Irish and it being more expected custom for people to attend funerals, etc I can see why you would be upset.

But for some people such a lack of acknowledgement could be perfectly normal. I don’t even know if my BILs parents are dead or alive. I know his sister died a few years ago, I didn’t send a card.

c75kp0r · 13/02/2020 06:41

How about saying you cant go as you're still mourning the loss etc so can't go and leave it at that? Then you are not making it about them and their behaviour but clearly stating that this bereavement is not something you can shrug off

Brazi103 · 13/02/2020 06:41

See the thing is even if they didnt know what to do, didnt you and your dh travel to be there for them when your sil had a loss?
So how can they behave dumbfounded when they have had a good example how to behave. Not even a call , text or card? To me that is unforgivable.
I would never want to celebrate or have anything to do with them. I cant imagine sitting in a room, smiling and pretending with people who have hurt me terribly.
You dont have to justify that to anyone op. I think this has shown you their true colours. Sorry about your loss FlowersFlowers