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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

141 replies

Heygirlheyboy · 11/02/2020 22:33

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 14/02/2020 08:36

Apologies for sounding catty. I am genuinely hurt by her lack of actions.

OP posts:

LovePoppy · 14/02/2020 16:37

Thank you need to take this as a lesson that you aren’t as close as you thought you were. Adjust your support towards her accordingly

LovePoppy · 14/02/2020 16:37

I think
Sorry

Poohpooh · 14/02/2020 16:40

@Heygirlheyboy

don't feel bad, I don't think you were catty.

A lot of MLMers use family tragedies to get sympathy (not saying that's what your SIL did but it's pretty common).

Pixilicious · 14/02/2020 16:49

In all kindness, I think you need to let this one go. It has taken me years to realise that not everyone thinks the same as me nor treat people the way I do. I have had a bereavement recently and the people I thought would step up didn’t. It’s a rude awakening but it allows you to set boundaries. In the nicest possible way, fuck ‘em.
I am sorry for the loss of your beloved mum x

Halestorm · 14/02/2020 17:04

For fucks sake. They are self absorbed twats. I'm Irish, living in Ireland and I totally get your hurt.
When my DD died, my SIL was literally due any minute so her husband made her stay home with a sibling in case she went into labour as her first one was very speedy. She's still apologising 12 years on for not being able to attend. On the other hand, two 'friends' didn't even send me so much as a text, and that hurt.
I'm socially awkward so hate funerals or going to removals but I do it because that's what you do.

I'd just be 'busy' or have other plans on that day. No harm to send a message that the world doesn't revolve around those two Mé Feiners.

PerpetuallyExhaustedPigeon · 14/02/2020 19:21

YANBU. My SIL never bothered coming to my mum’s funeral and it wasn’t even like she was 100s of miles away.

couldntgivearats · 14/02/2020 22:55

YANBU especially in the cultural context. So sorry for your loss... My MIL and FIL did this to me and didn’t attend the funeral when my DD died even after my DH pleaded with them to change their minds (not at my request & before I even knew they weren’t coming). I’d previously travelled quite a distance 8 months pregnant to be with MILs MIL when she was on her deathbed and my family had always been supportive to their family. I felt hurt. 2 years on, our relationship has never recovered and I just don’t like her now. Shame really as I loved her like a mum before. Since you are grieving and your emotions are raw it’ll be hard to not focus on this hurt. You’ve seen them for who they are now so just adjust yourself accordingly. But try not to let it cause a rift for your DH

Friendsofmine · 14/02/2020 23:43

"When my SILs mother died I didn't even think about sending a card or message. It doesn't mean I didn't feel for her."

You just did nothing to show her any care or compassion?! Thoughts you keep to yourself aren't very helpful when I'm grieving.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 15/02/2020 12:38

I agree. If I feel for someone I know I would get in touch in some way, for me it would be an effort not to! But I can see everyone is different but I can also say certain people are not my people as a result.

OP posts:

Friendsofmine · 15/02/2020 15:25

Absolutely OP. Some people are best kept for good times only or casual superficial acquaintances if you can't ditch them because they are family. Shit friends can be ditched. They'll soon learn when they lose their parents or spouse.

MindyStClaire · 16/02/2020 07:17

Have to say my jaw dropped when I read you're Irish OP. I can't emphasise enough to the UK posters how out of the norm their behaviour is. It would absolutely be expected that they would go to the funeral, of course logistics can occasionally prevent that, but in that case they should've been in touch to explain and apologise.

KTheGrey · 16/02/2020 07:34

Sorry for your loss and your BIL's rudeness. It seems deliberately hurtful, but maybe he's just insensitive. I think I would send a message myself on a family WhatsApp about the bil's DC get- together, saying I am still in a state of grief for the loss of my mother and won't be attending. And would not be above adding something along the lines of "as most of you know". I'd offer the DC the chance to duck out if they wanted, depending on their age. It's normal to mourn and you get to say when you feel able to return to which social events.

AnotherEmma · 16/02/2020 08:13

"my PILs went to stay with them to help with DC after her da died."

Did they offer to do the same for you?

It sounds as if you dislike your SIL, you made an effort for her and she didn't reciprocate - she is clearly self-absorbed. This seems to fit with what you said about BIL not liking it when attention is on others and not him.

Having an annoying BIL and SIL isn't great but it's not the end of the world, you don't have to be close to them. Now you've realised that they don't make an effort for you and DH, you don't have to worry about making an effort for them.

However, there might be a bigger problem if PILs favour them, and if there is some kind of family narrative blaming you for stepping back. This is where DH's support is absolutely crucial. Of course it depends whether he is willing to say anything; it sounds as if he isn't. But I can't see how you could continue to have a relationship with BIL and SIL without feeling resentment if DH doesn't say something. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Depending on his relationship with his brother, in theory it shouldn't be impossible for him to say that he was surprised and disappointed that they didn't acknowledge your mother's death with a card or anything else, and that you are feeling hurt about.

Given their lack of support it would be reasonable for you to step back from seeing them for a while; if they are not going to acknowledge the fact that you've been grieving it will be difficult for you to spend time with them for any prolonged lengths of time.

Sorry for your loss. I don't have a relationship with my in-laws at all, sadly, and it makes me all the more grateful for my own parents.

Original poster

Heygirlheyboy · 24/02/2020 19:35

Yes they have been favoured wrt support/even just visits! And it does annoy me but is separate to this, very much so, this is more personal to the two of them. Anyway I hear.now there's an unavoidable occasion long before their one so I'll be seeing them shortly and yes I'll be the one expected to be good! And that is annoying. Appreciate all posts.

OP posts:

shinyredbus · 24/02/2020 19:57

I dont know, i mean, my grandmother died last week - i couldn't care who sent a card nor flowers nor texted me - i was in a state of grief and i still am. I am so sorry for your loss. I think you dont quite like that they seem to be favoured and this broke the camels back. Dont let the lack of card get to you. I suppose they thought a text message would suffice - everyone is different i suppose.

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