Aibu BIL and wife ignored my DM's death

[Heygirlheyboy]

Background, don't see them more than 2/3 times a year because of distance. Last time was a few months before my DM died, she was present at the get together. When she died the rest of his family attended funeral and sent cards and not even a text from either of them and.nothing.since, 4 months later. Her DF died a few years ago,DH attended funeral, we had a toddler and small baby at the time or I'd have travelled the 100miles too. Regular texts in.months after checking in and a card the first Christmas without him.

Aibu to be incredibly hurt and insulted myself, and on my DM's behalf? I am shocked and want nothing to.do with them.

We didnt get any sympathy cards when my in laws passed away., or any acknowledgement, we just werent expecting any. We didnt go to the funeral but that was because of health reasons. Different people do different things. Funerals arent that well attended in the UK.

"They really should have got in touch with OP directly."
Why though? I didnt ring my bil when his Mum passed away. You leave them in peace. I told my Sister to pass on our condolences, that's all that was necessary. Next time I saw him I said I was sorry to hear about his Mum.

I wouldnt dwell on it. Maybe they sent card that got list in ur dads house or something. But I need to deal with your grief. Dont waste time on them.

I guess it depends on the family/individuals involved.

My stepfather passed away last year after quite a long and painful illness. All DHs family were aware of the situation. When he died I heard from MIL and FIL separately to express their condolences and both sent cards. Heard nothing at all from SIL or BIL, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to be hurt by this. Nor did any of the ILs attend the funeral, again not a problem.

So whilst I can see both sides and understand why you were hurt, different people just handle these kinds of things differently? If your BIL has form for this and is generally quite self centred, I suppose you had a choice to make as to whether it's worth the potential awkwardness and family fall-out by calling him out on it, or if you can find a way to let it go

So sorry for your loss

To be honest I'd be more angry with your DH than BIL and SIL. You said they have form for being the centre of attention and acting out when not so while really hurtful it is not a complete shock. I'd be more upset with DH not having a backbone on this issue and pulling them up on it firmly. His lack of support would be more hurtful to me.

TabbyMumz

"They really should have got in touch with OP directly."
Why though? I didnt ring my bil when his Mum passed away. You leave them in peace. I told my Sister to pass on our condolences, that's all that was necessary. Next time I saw him I said I was sorry to hear about his Mum

Because that’s what they do in OP’s family. I bet if DH hadn’t attended the funeral of his brother’s wife’s father (or at least called to give condolences) then the SIL / BIL would have been offended.

That should be OP’s in laws rather than OP’s family.

I suppose it all hangs on custom and practice in a family and they've 'gone against' this, as sure. When their dc were born we all travelled etc. They expect, and get, a lot of support. I have said it to my husband this morning that I want him.to mention to his db that I was very surprised and just see what he says.

I'm half Irish and there's no way we would ignore an in-law's death and funeral. We even check rip.ie and send condolences for (relative) randoms who were at school with my grandparents. It is absolutely unacceptable to not properly acknowledge a death within the extended family. You or DH need to confront them over it in a direct way.

Yes exactly PoohPooh that wouldn't have been taken well, in fact my PILs went to stay with them to help with DC after her da died.

YANBU. If I was you I wouldn’t have much to do with them after this, how hurtful for you. Sorry for your loss OP.

I think they are useless and some people even those who have been through it still use the excuse they don't know what to say because they can't be bothered with the emotional effort required to think or google Cruse for the advice about what to say to bereaved people!

Thank you Fink, you're right I have messages from prinary school friends who remember my DM and cards from people who have really gone out of their way to find my address etc. I would have the mobile no. of all my ILS, both sides, and we'd have contact between ourselves outside of family events.

Just catching up onto previous posts. I didn't expec them to come to the funeral! I did expect a text, an acknowledgment. We received hundreds of cards so it's definitely the done thing. We just need DM back to tell us who most of the senders were! I do appreciate everyone deals with it differently.

I'm half Irish and don't see things the same way in regards to marking the deaths of others' loved ones, sorry.
You were offered condolences by the family, your in-laws would've been represented by that, surely. It was also acknowledged on whatsapp the same day. They reached out to you to see you in person and I'm sure in person, they wouldn't have blanked the subject, but you ignored them and ignored a friend request.
I'm sorry.

I’m sorry about your mum.

In these posts, you’re cross with BIL and SIL equally it seems to me, but although they had met your mum, really to your SIL she was:
Her husband’s brother’s sister’s mother.

Yes, in Irish funeral terms that puts you high up. My parents report back on funerals they’ve attended in NI and I know what you mean about the culture! But not every single person in Ireland is the same.

That’s not a close relationship, and your BIL did acknowledge your loss, in responding to the initial communication. For most distant relationship (husband’s brother’s sister’s mother) I think it’s normal for one person’s response to be “for the family”.

I think it’s shit that BIL didn’t send a card too, but I don’t see why SIL should take the flak for that.

You said yourself that you didn’t attend her dad’s funeral. You had good reason with the young children, but why can’t she be allowed her own reason not to travel 100 miles to your mum’s funeral?

Even the fb outpourings over her own dad... just because you behave that way for your own family doesn’t mean you have to do things for other people’s families. If she had posted in fb about your mum, would that not have got your back up that she was going OTT?

I get that it’s disappointing for you. You don’t sound like you like them, even before this. So - don’t go to their event. I’d not be going simply because I didn’t like them, it wouldn’t be because the lack of contact after your mum’s death. They could have behaved a lot better - but not everyone does cards and supportive messages. If you don’t want friends who don’t - phase them and their event out. But put the blame on your BIL more than your SIL, given the distance of her relationship with your mum.

"Because that’s what they do in OP’s family. I bet if DH hadn’t attended the funeral of his brother’s wife’s father (or at least called to give condolences) then the SIL / BIL would have been offended."
You dont know that though do you. Just because her husband did that, doesnt mean they have to follow suit. This sort of thing just doesnt happen in the UK, or if it does, it's very unusual.

I agree Friendsofmine you're unlikely to go wrong by reaching out and just saying sorry to hear it. There was no 'please pass on our sympathies' on the whats app, just within the group a sorry to hear that. The other members contacted me directly immediately and a number of times in the following weeks.

I realise now reading your latest posts that it's more about the lack of card. Some people just don't bother with cards, OP don't place importance on this.

They did blank it tho SagradaFAmiglia though because dh went and I wasn't mentioned, even as a general how are you all, which is very weird. I read his PM after the fact so was too annoyed at that stage. My annoyance for SIL is because I was in regular contact after her dad, I sent her theand card the first Christmas, made a point of speaking to her mum at a family event etc and she was v appreciative and liked to talk aboout him. It is hurtful that she couldn't lift her finger to send a text, to me.shows such a lack of regard.

I didn't.expect them to come to the funeral!!

I am very sorry to hear of your loss. It is a very difficult time for you.

Customs regarding attendance at funerals in Ireland and England (and probably in other parts of the UK) tend to differ quite a bit, which is why you are getting a variety of answers.

I do have some Irish relatives on my Dad's side (Northern Ireland), though I haven't met them that often and certainly don't know them well. It is enough though for me to know that the expectations at funerals over there are often quite different to over here in England.

I wouldn't expect my BIL or SIL (DH's brother and sister) to attend funerals on my side of the family. They hardly know each other and we have been virtually no contact with BIL for several years now (long story, complicated). Nor would I expect to have to attend the funerals of my more distant in-laws. We are spread far and wide though including some being far overseas, and we hardly know each other.

So I guess what you are saying is a bit alien to me because the way they have reacted would be the norm in my family. , That doesn't mean your feelings are not valid, but I'd still be inclined not to make a big issue of it. Just chalk it up to differing expectations.

But they're a team, so if your BIL communicated with you, like when he offered sympathies via whatsapp then SIL was represented too.
Separate acknowledgement might have felt too much for your SIL and brought back bad memories for herself. Sometimes 'how are you' and talk of a dead relative can catch you off guard when you're finally having a good day and set you back. So they don't want to hurt you. Or they don't want to overstep. It's just so personal.
Just because they didn't react the same way you did, isn't indicative of a ill feelings or malice. Please don't take it personally or think it has hidden meaning towards how they felt about your mother.

I wouldn't really do cards. I might if I had the addresses of more of my wider family, but for many I just don't even have those. So messages might be sent electronically sometimes, but many of my family live in the dark ages withe regard to technology so can be difficult there too.

@Heygirlheyboy I wouldn't bother going to the party or whatever it is. I wouldn't send my the kids either. I know in some countries it wouldn't be a big deal but here(I'm Irish too) it's really bad form.
It's so disrespectful. I'm sorry you've lost your DM and I'm sorry they've upset you with their behaviour. I really wouldn't bother going.

I don't blame you for being upset and it sounds like their behaviour was not in line with what would normally be expected in your extended family. Having said that, i think your BIL clearly thought the WhatsApp message in which he asked for their condolences to be passed along was him acknowledging it.

If it was me, I wouldn't be raging but I would quietly be accepting that these are people who have a different approach to family and life than me and who I therefore don't want to have too much to do with. My family and DH's family are more like yours - it wouldn't occur to us not to be there for each other's families, make an appearance at the funeral if appropriate, send cards/ messages etc. And it's one of the reasons we are together because while our families are very different on the surface, our underlying codes are the same.