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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS he will need to leave

337 replies

Vaki · 11/02/2020 17:49

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 11/02/2020 17:51

Yes, you're not helping him by letting him live at home.

lastqueenofscotland · 11/02/2020 17:52

If you are I. London or south east you are being a bit unreasonable. I would start charging a decent amount of rent and see if that motivates him at all

WineGummyBear · 11/02/2020 17:54

YANBU. By giving him lots of notice he's got time to make a plan

PristineCondition · 11/02/2020 17:56

Hes working, pays rent and happy, stop measuring him next to others and be proud of what you've got instead of kicking him out because you want to better your view him.

XJerseyGirlX · 11/02/2020 17:59

I think he sounds better than most 19 year olds I know tbh op , sorry I know that's not helpful

user1493413286 · 11/02/2020 17:59

Instead I’d tell him that he would need to start paying the “going rate” for renting a room unless he’s working towards something; that will help him see that his money won’t go very far in the real world

Waveysnail · 11/02/2020 17:59

He is working and mentally well. Yabu. Perhaps he will spend his whole career working in supermarket. So what!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/02/2020 18:02

So you want to kick him out because you’re comparing him to others?

He’s working and doesn’t sound any trouble so why would you do that to a child? He’s still your child regardless of age.

MyOwnSummer · 11/02/2020 18:03

YANBU ...the reality is that life is a lot better if you have an interesting and challenging job, which pays enough for you to enjoy the stuff you want to do outside of work too. Possibly he is scared of failure if he aims higher?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/02/2020 18:03

Hes working, paying rent and helps with household chores and you want to tell him to leave because he hasn't decided what direction he wants to take yet.
Yabu

Original poster
Vaki · 11/02/2020 18:05

To clear up a few points, we live in the north east, he pays £250 a month for his rent inclusive of bills, so that covers him for everything and he makes at least 1k a month up to 1.5k of he does insane hours.

I'm proud that he at least has a job, but i don't want him to get too comfortable living at home and him end up not progressing in his life, while i understand he could work at a supermarket for the rest of his life, you'd obviously at least want them to develop and progress up the chain and not stay at the bottom rung for ever.

OP posts:
BeBraveAndBeKind · 11/02/2020 18:07

Hes working, pays rent and happy, stop measuring him next to others and be proud of what you've got instead of kicking him out because you want to better your view him.

^ This. People develop at different speeds. He's contributing to the household financially and is mucking in with chores. He'll find his way in his own time.

muddypuddles12 · 11/02/2020 18:07

YANBU at all. It is your responsibility as his parents to encourage him to make the best of himself and challenge himself. By giving him such an easy ride you're not doing him any favours. He's a teenager, of course he's going to be happy working in a supermarket because it's easy and unchallenging, but he will thank you later for pushing him out of his comfort zone and encouraging him to strive for more. Of course, be there to support him - don't kick him out and leave him on his own. But certainly don't enable laziness, especially if you know he's capable of more.

fuzzymoon · 11/02/2020 18:08

I think you're being unreasonable.

Not everyone knows what they want to do or be in life.

My son had no idea what to do at uni. His teachers said search for courses. He didn't even know what to type in to search for something.

Let him coast for a couple of years and then maybe one day he will mature and gain an interest in something. Perhaps then he may go to uni or go into a career he's interested in and can progress in.

You seem to be comparing him to others and all that will do is make him feel more clueless and unmotivated.

JaniceBattersby · 11/02/2020 18:09

Nothing wrong with working in a supermarket. Maybe he doesn’t want to progress up the chain? Maybe he’s happy and feel his life has balance doing a job that’s not massively stressful but pays ok? If that’s not enough for you then he’s probs better moving out for self-esteem reasons.

PristineCondition · 11/02/2020 18:10

Whats wrong with working in a supermarket? He can progress there if he wishes

I really cant get my head around being written off aged 19 because of a job my mum thinks is demeaning

adaline · 11/02/2020 18:10

I'm proud that he at least has a job, but i don't want him to get too comfortable living at home and him end up not progressing in his life, while i understand he could work at a supermarket for the rest of his life, you'd obviously at least want them to develop and progress up the chain and not stay at the bottom rung for ever.

He's only nineteen years old!

He works full-time, pays you rent and helps around the house. If my teens did that, I would be more than happy to have them at home.

GarlicSoup · 11/02/2020 18:10

Give your head a wobble OP,

Tweennightmare · 11/02/2020 18:10

From what you said he appears to be working and contributing . So he is not running a global empire Or at university running up ££ of debt doing a possibly useless degree. He is only 19 he has a long career ahead . Give the kid a break . Instead try and be supportive by giving him time to work out what he wants.

AhNowTed · 11/02/2020 18:11

You're being totally unreasonable.

He's working, paying his way. So it's not what you would desire but my god it's a lot better than many 19 year olds.

Why on earth would you kick him out. It makes no sense whatsoever.

ferrier · 11/02/2020 18:12

Why can he not progress a career at the supermarket?
I wouldn't be chucking him out if he's working hard, paying his way and OK to have around.

ProfMcGonigle · 11/02/2020 18:12

He's 19 for goodness sake! If he's still the same at 25 then worry (although even at 25 he'd be young enough to make changes).

Whynosnowyet · 11/02/2020 18:13

My ds moved out at 24. He saved and bought a house. And tbh I quite liked having him around!

muddypuddles12 · 11/02/2020 18:13

My husband is also from the north east and runs a very successful business that he built himself from scratch. He left school at 15, did no GCSE's or a-levels and was working in PC world until the age of 21. Eventually his mum said enough is enough, you are capable of more than that. And made him leave the house and rent his own place. He realised pretty quickly that his job wasn't going to give him the life he wanted, so he went out there and made something of himself. He moved to London at 22 and he is very open about the fact that if his mother had not encouraged him to go into the big wide world and realise that life isn't always that easy, he would probably still be working in PC world and living in his mums basement.
Not everyone "finds their own way in their own time". Some people need a bit of a nudge.

smashstore · 11/02/2020 18:14

He is the same age as my DD. I can't imagine telling her she has to leave.

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