To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

@Jux His failure?...

He is 18.
He's working very hard, paying you a decent amount of lodge, no trouble and enjoying life. I think you should be grateful he is happy and proud of him.
He has plenty of time to grow up yet but if he wants to work in a supermarket it's a perfectly respectable job.

My partner is a manager, he got the job after college and worked his way up. He stayed at home until we bought a house and started a family. We are not rich but we are happy, not everyone wants to go to university you know, money isn’t everything. He sounds amazing, working full time, paying his way and doing chores. There’s plenty of ways to climb the ladder with courses with your employer or whatever. My partner has someone working for him who has a degree and earns much less than he does.

YABU

My DD is in similar position, heading for 20, didn’t want to continue studying at 18 and has no idea of a long term career move. So she carried on with her retail job,, with plans to go abroad travelling/volunteering.

She spent 10 weeks on the other side of the world last autumn, doing some volunteering, all paid for by her earnings. She was lucky to get an unpaid sabbatical and is now back working, saving to go abroad again in late summer, this time hopefully to do some working as well as travelling. She plans to resign and is already realising that she wants something better (with no idea of what, or if she has she won’t discuss!)

We know others like her in similar positions, the girl who she hopes to travel with got A/A* at A level (my DD did a BTEC) and then worked in a bar, she is currently volunteering in a third world country.

A friends DD is similar, brilliant A levels but no idea of a career so is doing retail work and travel.

They are still so young, and it is pointless them going to uni just for the sake of it.

DS is finishing a degree, and has a definite career in mind - DD sometimes says “Why don’t I know exactly what I want to do like him” - I reply because everyone is different.

I occasionally have thoughts like yours, ie when will she decide what she wants to do, but I quickly squash them. She works hard, helps at home, cooks, saves and, despite lacking confidence, travelled across the world to volunteer with people she had never met before. She might not have the career sorted, but she has guts and a work ethic!

I also occasionally want to kick her out, but that is usually due to teenage strops more than anything else!

Give your son time, and be proud of what he does. Like others say, him and my DD could be far worse. Maybe suggest he uses some money to go abroad in some capacity?

YABU he's only 18. He's got a job and is paying his way. That alone at that age will be more life experience skills than university. University isn't everything. If he's a good worker he can over the years go higher in retail if he likes, become a store manager etc. He would earn a decent income. Don't write him off or compare him to others.

#SixesandEights , that's it exactly, he didn't apply himself and was very meh when it came to his exams and as a result got meh results. I don't want him to not apply himself in life too because that has far bigger consequences, such as not being able to travel, not being able to afford the house and lifestyle he wants and struggling to afford the basics.

Has anyone got any tips on at least guiding him.into deciding what he wants to do? Because everything I've tried he has not taken any interest in

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest, if you kick him out he’ll 19 and living alone (or with strangers as roommates) and skint and that’s not going to help him be able to make another decision. My brother lived at home until he was about 23 I think when he finally decided to do an OU degree, it just took him a while to get his direction.

My suggestions are:

1. charge him a bit more rent
2. tell him you want to have a serious conversation about his longer term goals and set a date for it if he’s not willing to immediately.
3. insist he puts a set amount into savings each month (you could take this out of increased rent). This both gives him a money pot for potential future ideas/goals but also means if he does have to move out he will at least have a rental deposit and means to furnish his room/flat.

YABU

I work in the North-East and part of my job is to recruit for positions people work for a degree to get into. So one of our careers for example, which requires a degree, so they go through Uni for three years, accrue a load of debt and then come to us as a graduate for £18k a year.

Your son is working, albeit to you the job with us to you would be a career but you still have to work your way up. Supermarket is just as good a job and he doesn’t need to have his entire life mapped out at 18. Leave him be and let him decide what he wants to do in life - there aren’t going to be that many roles in the North-East that pay as well as he gets now and probably don’t have the progression opportunities. If he left now he could go to a company where he works as an admin for the next ten years on just above minimum wage, or he could become the next best superstar in the working world, but that’s up to him to decide what to do - not you.

I didn't apply myself when I could have/should have done. At 19 I was unemployed and then coasted through jobs here and there. Its only as I got much older that I applied myself and became a lawyer. He is 18 years old, you need to step back a bit and let him find his way

Honestly, I thought this thread was going to be about antisocial behaviour, drugs, police on the doorstep, etc. I get what you're saying, OP, but you're pushing way too hard imo. The idea that a happy, diligent 18yo should be hotfooting it round careers fairs or 'chatting with recruiter friends' (wtf?) just because his friends are doing higher-octane things is really ridiculous and unfair. For someone who supposedly just wants her son to decide what he wants to do, you reveal an awful lot about what you want instead.

I find it really heartening how many parents here think YABU too, but I don't feel you're really listening to the reactions you're getting. You're just asking again and again for tips about how to carry on in the same vein as before.

you would be making such a mistake. I have met so many unhappy people who have been unhappy with their career path and if you ask the reason its often because their parent/s gave them an ultimatum. decades later they are earning good money and usually have a mortgate and don't want to take a paycut to go back and retrain in what they are interested in.
HELP HIM find a path. Work out what he likes and loves doing and guide him into activities that explore these interests. Visit those career websites with him - introduce him to your friends in different careers and get them to tell him what they do. Help him find work experience etc etc.
He sounds like a great kid - so many people I know did not know what they wanted to do at 19. So many people I know started great degrees and bailed out after 1 year. My sister started law degree and ended up doing something else. My brother started an engineering degree and now is a film lecturer - the list goes on. Don't compare him to his friends.

He might decide to stay working in a supermarket plenty of people do. He might want to progress into management but he's only 19, give him time. He might decide on a career change. This is the time when he can try different options. I don't think you should tell him to leave, that might send him on a downward spiral he seems to be working very hard if he is working 6 days a work and shifts too. So he can obviously motivate himself which is more than a lot of 19 year olds.

Has anyone got any tips on at least guidinghim.intodeciding what he wants to do? Because everything I've tried he has not taken any interest in

How about letting him come to his own decisions without any pressure from you. Take a step back, stop trying to get him to live the life you wanted but didn't have, and let him live the life he wants. He might make some mistakes we all do, but he will figure it out. Take a back seat for a while let him get on with it and see what happens.

@Vaki, you are doing exactly what my parents did at 18, and it didnt end well. I also was working and still trying to decide what to do with my future when I was given the same ultimatum. Ended up going with one of my mother's 'suggestions' for a university course, hated it and did badly. Now I have a crap degree that has never been used professionally, and ended up working in shops again. Except it's much harder to find retail jobs when you have a degree, because suddenly you're 'over qualified' .

I figured out my true interest in my 20s, but no longer have the funds or time to do it. Unless you're rich and have no ties, you only get one chance at an undergraduate. Don't make him rush that decision.

YABU glad you're not my mum!

What about aiming higher and getting a foothold on the ladder within the supermarket management program? A good stint on the shop floor is highly respected. Could he apply for a work or employee sponsored degree perhaps? Don’t chuck him out fgs, poor lad might end up depressed, jobless and at worse homeless.

I’m in my 30’s and still don’t know what I want to do with my life! He’s working and paying. I don’t see the problem.

"And that's my fault, I've made him scared of failiure, because I've probably pushed him too much throughout life to achieve"

And that's what you are now doing again. As said he's doing well and you are about to make him feel not good enough and that he's failing.

Give him a couple of years.

You are being very unreasonable for all the reasons others have provided. Poor lad.

You do realise starting where he is the promotion opportunity are good and pay potential is great?

Some post grads earn 30-35k a year with leads of debt.

Some supermarket employees are on this after 5 years and have no debt.

If you want him to learn about potential outgoings then charge him that. Local rate for room, share of bills and food.

You could even save for him what you don't actually need to help him out a foot on the ladder.

As someone who "matured" later in their career, i say just wait it out and be supportive and encouraging of his clearly can-do nature for now. My family pushed me to go to uni as I was clearly "capable" but it wasn't something I wanted to do at that time - I just wanted to work and earn money! - and I just resented the interference tbh. If you think about it at 19 he has 50+ years left in the workplace, why push him into deciding definitively what it wants to do immediately if he's not sure, but otherwise shows a good work ethic and approach generally? I agree with pp who've said you're projecting... Just chill out and go with it for another couple years, you may well find it sorts itself out without your "help"!

Morrisby run an online questionnaire thing that can help people understand their strengths, weaknesses, suitability to certain fields of work etc. Why don’t you do something constructive for him (rather than destructive) and pay for a subscription to that?

I honestly think you are being a bit unreasonable. Would you rather he was getting into 15k a year of debt doing a uni course that will lead nowhere? If he wasn’t that academic or didn’t want to apply himself that’s his choosing but it’s pointless trying to push him into doing something just to keep you happy. He is working and he is paying his way, maybe he will stay working in a supermarket and work his way up? Just because he isn’t studying law or medicine and you don’t like to tell your friends what he’s up to, doesn’t mean you have to kick him out!

If you really want to help him why not charge more rent, but put the extra above what you already charge into an account for him to save for a house? He needs to make his own career decisions though.

Btw just to put a different perspective on it - I know someone who "just" worked straight from college and then went on to go to medical at 26...; she is now a fully qualified GP and partner. Why the rush?! 🤷

My eldest son works in a pub. He tried college after 6th form; it wasn't right for him. He lived at home until last month - he moved out to join the team of a pub in the next county in a promoted role. He is 28.

He might always work in a pub. Point is - he is an excellent barman!

Support your son. He will find his way eventually and if that is in the retail world so be it!