To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

YABU both in comparing how he matches up to others and for not knowing what he wants to do with his life yet. It takes some people a bit longer to figure that out and tbh you are sounding a bit unsupportive.He is working and saving money, more than a lot of 19 year olds are. You would not be unreasonable to start charging him bed and board though.

I think that YABU to kick him out altogether (unless there's a real reason, like needing his room for a younger child). It could come across as a personal rejection because he isn't yet 'successful' enough for you. If he weren't already paying rent, I might suggest that you start charging it, but since he is paying rent, I don't see too much of a problem. In many countries, the generations quite commonly live together.

I would set a limit at housing just him; i.e. if he gets into a romantic relationship, he cannot bring his partner to live at your home. That in itself might be an incentive for him to leave in the long-term.

But if he were attending university or college, presumably you would expect that he would come home during vacations. I don't think that the accommodation should be used as a carrot/stick to force him to follow your ambitions for him.

Stop comparing him to other people his age, it'll only make him feel like shit. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing at the moment. Going to uni may be what you wished for yourself, but maybe that's not the path he wants for himself. He's 19, he has plenty of time to decide what to do with his life.

Is he happy?

Imagine how unhappy he would be to hear his mother talking about how much better his friends are than him.

Stop pushing. You should be proud of what he's doing and how far he's come. He's probably got another 50 working years ahead of him so give him a bit of time. My son gave up work at that age and took to his bed for three years. Now he's an engineer on a good salary with a wife, mortgage and kids.

Stop comparing him with others. He's working and quite happy, why would you want to force him into a situation where he'd be living somewhere grotty and struggling to pay his bills. What do you think that'll do to his mental health and self esteem?

You sound very much like my parents when I was 19. Consequently I ended up moving in a with a totally unsuitable boyfriend and getting into a whole ton of debt. It's taken me years to recover from it.

My 19 year old DS doesn't have a clue what he wants to do either. He's working 20 hours a week. When he's not working he helps me with stuff round the house, walks the dog, goes to the gym. I don't charge him any rent.

Now he's left college and the pressure off, I've seen a huge change in him. He's much more relaxed and happy and is gaining confidence, which will stand him in good stead for whatever he decided to do next. Also I want him to be able to enjoy being young!

As to what other people's kids are doing, well I'm not really interested. I've got some friends whose kids are at university, another friend's son was recently arrested for drug dealing 🙄 There's no benefit to comparing.

Wow, looks to me like he is doing well, AND paying rent to you . I think YABU and quite hard on him. FWIW my DB left school before he furnished a levels, worked in supermarkets until he worked his way up to manager level. It might not be like that for your DS but he’s holding down a job and working hard based on what you say. Be thankful he has a work ethic, he will go far.

And I really would let go of the uni thing. They are markers of prestige but unless you want to go into a traditional profession, you will need to do an awful lot (volunteering, holiday jobs, society roles, student politics, placements) in addition to getting a degree to be employable on graduation. I would not advise anyone to go to university these days unless they love learning for its own sake, as I know more than one PhD graduate who now drives taxis or works in a supermarket!

YABVU. He sounds like he works hard at the supermarket - 6 days a week! - he pays his way at home and mucks in. A successful, fulfilling life should not be measured in terms of ambition, or status, or academic achievement, or wealth, or career. If he is happy and paying his way - great. The idea that every single 14-year old in the country is supposed to know who they are and what they want to do when they choose their GCSE options, then again at 16 for A Levels, then at 18 for a degree... Ridiculous. The brain isn't even finished developing until you're 25.

If you need the space, if he's doing your head in - then yes, you're within your rights to try and usher him along. But threatening to throw him out because he doesn't live up to your measure of what he SHOULD be doing? Nah.

So you've sat him down, tried to get him to plan his future career, tried to get him to go to career fairs, speak to friends in recruitment and speak to a careers adviser!? And he's 18!?

Fair enough if he was 35, but 18!?

Let's face it all those doctors, lawyers and chemical engineers need someone to work in supermarkets so they can actually buy their food.
His job is just as important as their future jobs.
My eldest worked in a supermarket for a year at the age of 18.
As long as he's happy, working and paying his way I'd be happy.
For what it's worth I wouldn't put his rent up either

I totally get where you are coming from, I had a similar son. Sometimes it just takes time for them to find their way. Give him time. Encourage him by asking what he would like to do - not just for work, but life, relationships and fun. The big difference to mine was getting an expensive-ish hobby that required a car. This motivated him to want to earn more money, and getting qualifications was the clearest way to get a job to earn that money. You need to figure out what motivates him, but everyone is different and they need to do it for themselves.

I think YABVU. He's 19, not 29! He's healthy and working, why are you comparing him to others?

YABU he is working, paying his way and saving. He is contributing to society and (probably) a decent person. Just because he is not as “successful” as his friends isn’t a reason to kick him out. Society needs all types of people to succeed. Doctors, nurses and shelf stackers. Plus some of these jobs can lead to further opportunities if he works hard.

On another note, I can see on this thread almost a visceral reaction to the idea of aspiration, like its a form of snobbery?

Wanting your kids to reach their full potential and not just settling for their first regular paycheck doesn't mean you're looking down your nose at those who work in that job? If my kids become hairdressers, cleaners or supermarket workers I have no problem with that, but I want to see that they really thought about it and made an educated choice based on their skills and interests.

I never want them to feel stagnated by a lack of confidence or ambition. Life is long and you're at work a lot, if it can be fulfilling and decently paid all the better surely?!

@fromnowhere , i think has maybe got what I'm trying to say but failing badly at doing so. I don't want him to get complacent and think ah I've got £750 plus a month to spend or save and do what i want with it, that's amazing. And then he just keeps doing that and coasts. He has amazing potential, he just doesn't apply hinself, in my opinion because he's scared of failiure. And that's my fault, I've made him scared of failiure, because I've probably pushed him too much throughout life to achieve and do amazing at everything he tries but that was the way i was brought up.

Actually, even if you go into a traditional profession, you will still need that extra curricular stuff! I knew quite a few sad unemployed engineers the year after we graduated, many of whom didn’t make it into the profession. Also know many lawyers who have done the job for 5 years then quit for something else that wouldn’t have necessarily needed any degree.

lol my brother still lives at home and is 23 going to be 24 soon. he jumps between building jobs but pays his rent and bills. I have to say also 1.5k a month is not too bad, I work in a senior role at a publishers and do not make much more than that. I suppose it comes down to what you think wages a decent life. sounds a bit soppy but I rate happiness the most highly- if your son is happy then I would give yourself and him a pat on the back because you must be doing something right. my friends dad has worked in Tesco since he was 16. he has a reasonable house, drives and goes on holiday. chill a bit - hes still young and it's never too late to return to education. my mum completed her final year of teaching training only 2 years ago at 46. think you're being unreasonable, sorry

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

John Lennon

i would have loved to have gone to uni but was denied the chance, and now he has the chance and he isn't bothered You can still get a degree if you want one. All unis have plenty of mature students.

I had no idea what I wanted to do at that age. I went to uni but I would have been better off taking some time to discover what I was passionate about.

YANBU in the slightest. Absolutely fine if he wants to spend his life working in a supermarket but he still needs to make his own way in life and if his low-paid job means he will have to move into a house share and gave a lot less disposable income, so be it. My two, who are early teens, are under no illusions that they can stay here after 6th Form loafing about and "finding themselves". It is my job, as a loving, but responsible parent, to equip them with the life skills and sense of self-worth to fly the nest and live a good, productive, socially responsible life. Aside from temporary accommodation after finishing University/College while they are looking for a job in their field, I will be GUTTED if my children are still living with me into their mid to late twenties. I would feel I had failed them. They can always come home but everyone needs to make their own home.

I understand your worries OP. He couldn't be bothered at school and ended up with ho hum results and you see him working in a supermarket pretty much doing the same. You don't want him to be still drifting along in ten years' time not fulfilling his potential.

I don't think you're being unreasonable thinking about this OP, although I think telling him to sort himself out or leave is a bit harsh when he's still only 18. I would go down the route of upping his rent at the very least. Even if you doubled it, he'd still have a lot left over. Make things more realistic for him, then he will come to his own conclusions about whether or not he wants to spend however many years working in a low paid job or whether he decided to train for a better paid one.

Also, when his friends start earning decent money he'll also see that he's going to be left behind.

I think there are subtler ways of helping him sort himself out than threatening him.

I always say to my kids as long as you work and are happy that's all i care about, so bloody what if he works in a supermarket he is only 19 ffs

At least he works and wont have student loan debt around his neck for years. If you think those going to Uni are better than your DS just look at the 4 students that had to be rescued from Ben Nevis, bet you Son is far more intellegent than they are

I think you’ve done a great job with this young man, OP. He just needs time and some confidence and he’ll be great. If he’s still doing this is ten years then yeah, fair do’s.

I would definitely not be thinking of kicking him out.