To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

He's not even 19 yet. I'm not following why you think feeling comfortable and stable at 18 is something terrible that must be disrupted.

You're being ridiculous and unsupportive. Kicking someone out of their home because they're not living their life how you envisaged and not keeping up appearances for you is such a dick move.

Hang on he's 18, not even 19 yet.

You're being ridiculous frankly.

Yabvu but I would put his rent up then.

YABU from me. I have a ds who is similar. I figure that life is long and he has time to study and find a career that suits him. Better to take his time than get onto debt at university for something he doesn't really want.
Mine is also working and helps with chores. If your ds was sitting in bed all day playing call of duty, you'd have a point, but he isn't. Chill and give the kid some time to breathe.

So you want to throw out your hardworking, helpful , board paying 19 year old because you don't like his choice of job? Really?

It's his choice if he wants to work there or pursue something else, as long as he's paying rent then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I think you're being a bit harsh.

Maybe double his rent and save half for him so at least he's got a little nest egg when you do kick him out?

How will he react? Is it likely to affect your relationship?

So you don’t just want him to move out as you think he’s too old to be living at home/should be supporting himself/whatever? He would actually have the chance of staying at home as long as he goes back to university to study medicine (for example). Why do you care what he does? As you say he works insane hours, helps around the house and pays the rent you want. You sound a bit of a dick that stars to use your children to feel better about yourself. What has a couple of his friends courses got to do with him?

YABU. He is an adult and makes his own choices in life. If he wants to work in a supermarket, let him.

18 year old even. Bloody hell

I'd be really proud if my son was hard working and paying keep at that age. It's still really young. I'd stop pressuring him so much and give him some more time. Is he saving up the rest of his wage?

Just to add, I don't charge my ds rent. Instead my condition to living at home and bring supported is that half of his wages are saved for something meaningful, like university in the future or a car. He isn't allowed to blow it all on crap. Maybe that would make you feel better, if he was saving for his future.

It's OK to rent a room to your own 19-year-old for £250 a month. But she may not want to still be doing that when he's 29, or 39, or 49.

Forcing him to move out will ensure he's paying the real cost of the lifestyle he's getting, which may make him think harder about his education and job options.

So I vote YANBU.

I think you're unreasonable. He has a job is working hard and paying his way.

Making him leave when he doesn't have a great educational backfall and doesn't know what else he would do will just ensure that he is unable to afford to pursue different routes because he'll have to keep working at the supermarket or not be able to pay his rent/bills/electricity etc.

You're essentially locking him out of further education or training or making it very hard for him if he wants to.

Also he has a job, and that job is one lots and lots of people do and work hard at. He's hardly a failure working 6 days of honest work.

He's only 19, most of my family stayed at home until 21/22 or my sibling is 27 and saving for a house at my mums.

I'd give him a year or two.

How's his mental health? You know really important stuff, not just how much money he can pull in.

What you are saying is that he isn't good enough to live in your house. If he leaves I hope he never looks back.

How do you and his Father stack up, against all his peers parents?

Do either of you need any improvement?

Someone living with their parents, who is getting a better financial deal than they would in a house-share, has a financial incentive to remain dependent forever.

OP, my DB has the same with his son. Encouraged him towards joining the RAF. DN has no idea what he wanted either and was working in a fish and chip shop.
He's now in the RAF and absolutely loves it, is on great money and is fed well every day. And he's not 19 till June.
It's been a great move for DN.

YABVU he’s

Working, hard
Contributing financially
Doing chores
Not abusive
Only 19
Your son

Help him work it out, don’t kick him out.

Life isn’t all about degrees and uni or college.

If he’s pulling his weight, I think YABU for wanting him to move out.

If you want to find out what his aspirations are - ask him about what he wants to do with the money he’s saving - travel, working abroad etc are all good life experiences.

This is my son, he’s now 28, works nights in a supermarket. Whilst I think he could do something different, he’s got a secure job, he works bloody hard and is well thought of a a hard worker. Management there has been pruned, but his level has expanded. I would never have kicked him out at 19 to try and motivate him.

He’s 18 and you want to chuck him out because he hasn’t mapped out his life yet. You don’t know what’s around the corner.

Maybe he’ll decide to go to uni next year, or do a management programme at the supermarket?

Comparison is the their of joy. The chemical engineer may not be able to get a job in three years time, and the medicine student may end up with huge debt.

Ldon’t write your son of yet. Give him a chance. He’s working and contributing, more than a lot of people.

Certainly have a chat with him about his future, and maybe point him him the direction of apprenticeships, but don’t give him an ultimatum because you’re disappointed in him.

Yabu. Supermarkets pay very well compared to most jobs you likely look down your nose at too.
And yes it's a waste of time and money going to uni to study something he is not interested in and getting into debt with nothing to show for it.
At least working he has a chance to save up to buy somewhere by his mid twenties and then go to uni if he wants

YABU
He’s 18 and has a job. That’s a good start. Let him figure out in his own time he needs to earn more to have an independent life. 18 may be an adult. But it definitely isn’t a mature one. Hopefully he will be fed up in a couple of years. I would have thought your best bet would be to bolster his confidence and tell him how proud you are for doing x and y, telling him he can do anything if he puts his mind to it.

YABVU. His life, his choice of where he wants to work, what he wants to do. He may decide to pursue higher education when he feels he is ready, but if he doesn't so what? He is working, paying his way, helping around the house - what more do you want (other than your unreasonable expectations). I know of people who have been unhappy because they have taken the path their parents chose for them rather than their own. People like you make me angry. If you want to tell him to leave that is your choice, but trying to influence his life as an adult is just so wrong. Let him be happy and figure it out for himself and be grateful for him as he is.

Most of my friends wasted university, came away with pointless degrees and now have crap jobs.
I wish I took a bit of time at 19 to understand what I really wanted rather than take the path society expected.