To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

Why does he have to live your version of a successful life? He is 19, working and paying his way. Just let him be and allow him to find his way.

I understand what you're saying OP, but sometimes it takes a bit of time for people to find their way, or find that desire to do more, sometimes it's seeing their friends earning good money, living in nice homes, taking holidays, sometimes it's seeing others at work in more senior positions and wanting more. I didn't go to uni until I was 24 but I don't regret it for one minute because I took my time, travelled, worked in crappy jobs and learned what I didn't want to do forever. I thought about what I was good at and what I wanted to do, then had that little bit more emotional maturity and direction to work hard at uni. Also, some people are just happy with their lot, and he might be that person. That's ok too.

He has been massively disappointed by his visions of his future; his own fault. That makes it a bit harder to assimilate too. He needs a bit of time to work out where he went wrong, what sort of person he is as a result.

Try to talk to him as if he has a better future than the supermarket without banging his head with it. You know he is capable of better, but atm he doesn't. Give him a little time to come to terms with his failure but don't beat him with it. Things go wrong and what matters is how you deal with it.

He's OK, he's working and paying his way. From there, he can do all sorts and when he's ready to , he will.

There are plenty of university graduates these days who don't earn anymore than your DS and are stuck living with their parents due to high rents. University can be a very enriching experience of course but there is no guarantee he won't return home in the same position 3 years later.

I think you're projecting a little here.

At nineteen he has his whole life ahead of him. He could still go to university if he wanted to.

But equally not everyone is career driven. I was pressured down the uni route and it was a massive waste of time and money. I'm now self employed doing dog walking and daycare and I've never been happier. The money isn't brilliant but the work life balance is fantastic and I can set my own hours and prices.

A career isn't everything. He's nineteen and works full time, pays rent and helps around the house. I think that's pretty good. Count your blessings.

Gosh you are very very harsh, he's 18 ffs!
How many 18 year olds know exactly what they want to do by way of a career/job, He is at least working, and helping you round the house, count yourself fortunate.
I will also guarantee that many of those doing degrees will be working in supermarkets even after they have graduated.
Give him some time, if he is happy just give him the space to mature a little.
I have four sons and I felt fortunate that they have found their own niches career wise, but it didn't happen overnight and they were all older than 19 when they found their way.

You should tell him to move out. I would because I wouldn't want to live with a judgy person like that.
He works, keeps out of trouble by the sound of it and is just taking his time to figure his life out. Absolutely nothing wring with that. Except you.
I like him took longer. It paid off. University is NOT the only way to get good life. You might want to realise that.
I sound harsh, but if you keep pushing, it will just not end well.

He works, pays his way and does household tasks.

Yes, those sound like excellent grounds for eviction

I think you have much to be proud of and appreciate in your son. Please don’t keep comparing him to others, he will make his own way

He's only 19!! He's working, paying rent,helping at home- and happy!
All his mates that are at university could be having a shit time, suffering with stress, have a student loan to repay......and may not even get a job at the end of it!
Be proud of your boy- he could be out robbing cars,mugging old ladies or in a gang, stabbing other kids!
Then you'd really have something to complain about!!

I’m another who thinks you are being unnecessarily harsh - he’s 19 and working. You may think it’s a bit of a dead end job, but it is a job and a job that could have prospects if he wanted to work his way up the ladder.
Times have changed 19 is no age in a working life - he could find himself working well into his 70’s so he’s got plenty of years ahead of him to find a career. The experience he’s getting in the supermarket will stand him in good stead - my advice to him would be that he should take any training opportunities that present themselves - even health and safety training and first aid courses are useful additions to his CV

And that's my fault, I've made him scared of failiure, because I've probably pushed him too much throughout life to achieve and do amazing at everything he tries but that was the way i was brought up.

So now you're planning to do more of the same?

I also have a 19yo, living at home and working in a similarly low-paid job. I am already seeing signs that he is not going to settle for this forever, he has the same thing about fear of failing, but he is also gaining in confidence, wanting to move forward, looking around for apprenticeships, and I have no doubt he will have found something within the next year. Either that or gone into management training.

I am also an academic with pastoral responsibilities for students. Of course a lot of them are focused and hard-working and absolutely in the place they should be. But I also see a fair few who are only here because their parents wanted them to and who seem to be doing very little for their future. They are wasting three years where your son hasn't wasted one yet- and getting into debt at the same time. In a best chance scenario they exit with relatively low grades and no plan for the future. Worst case scenario- well, I never yet dealt with a plagiarism case that didn't involve this kind of student: complete lack of emotional investment, only there to please a parent, secretly unhappy and resentful.

I'm not going to tell you it is or isn't unreasonable to want him to be more drive, and if you need to have the conversation with him for your sake, than fine. But my mum did at that age, claiming it was reverse psychology, and all it did was make me feel bad, and to resent her a bit for not having faith in me. That was 30 years ago. Tread carefully OP, he will be your son forever if you don't push him away.

Tbh, I think yabu. He is nearly 19-that's quite young.he is contributing. It feels a bit harsh to me

He's working and paying his way. Give the lad a break. He will figure out what he wants to do when he's ready. Don't compare him to others.

I suspect that if you make him leave, what he'll hear is that he's 'not good enough for you'. As he doesn't know what he wants to do, he won't know how to fix it. And that can be utterly soul destroying for anyone, let alone an inexperienced teenage boy with very little experience of the world and few other support networks. So I think it could be a very high risk move, which at best may harm your relationship with him and at worst could be far far worse.

I think in your shoes, I would start by increasing the 'rent' you charge so it is comparable to what he would pay if renting a room inclusive plus food. You could save a portion of it & this could be given back for a deposit or driving lessons. Review every 3 or 6 months with the expectation it will increase a bit or it will be frozen if he is on a course or doing some learning/training to help future prospects. I do feel he is a bit young to be asked to leave in these circumstances but you need to increase his costs so it's not as comfortable. If he gets to 20 or 21 without any changes & not doing anything in terms of improvement then you would be justified to consider it them in my opinion. But he is working so that is a good thing.

Give him a timeline so that he can ship off to uni in September

I voted YNBU because we all want the very best for our dc.
However, comparison is the thief of joy. You have said he had meh results. That is all on him. If only, If only, but you cannot turn that clock back.
There are huge positives here! You acknowledge that. My DNephew got a supermarket job. A year trundled pass. One day a mature co-worker told him straight, sort yourself out or you will still be here in 30 years time. All the careers advice, DP advice, school, college etc etc nothing had made an impact on him. That One Conversation hit home. BANG! He applied as a student to a UNI and moved out, signed himself to a 3 year course. We were astonished, amazed and still are.
So YNBU but give him a year, and get him to set up a savings scheme!

He sounds like a lovely 19 yr old!

He doesn't need to live to some prescribed timetable of life. You are pressuring him according to your expectations.

Let him enjoy life working but not in a stressful job while he sorts his thoughts out. He has while lifetime of worry and responsibility ahead.

This is extremely harsh. Stop comparing him and just be happy with the person he is, he sounds like a great lad anyway. YABU. My brother was like him and once my mum stopped pushing him, he found his own way in his own time.

I'm sorry to say I think you're being rather unreasonable. It's not as though he's sat around at home playing computer games day and night or spending all his money on drugs/alcohol/gambling. It seems as though he's being responsible and just not living the life you want him to. He's got a job and is paying his way so I think you need to back off. In retail people often work their way up the ladder and some Store Manager positions can be very lucrative indeed - I know of several people that have done exactly this. Not everyone wants to be a brain surgeon or doctor! His friends have only just started their time at Uni, who's to say they'll graduate? The grass isn't always greener on the other side...

If he was 25 I'd agree with you, but 18 is very young, I know loads of people, particularly men who drifted for a few years before they decided what to do with themselves, have a chat with him, but I'd not kick him out or start threatening it.

You are being very unreasonable. Poor ds.

For god sake, his 19...

Your being unreasonable.
I really hope this isn't true.
Your suppose to support your child