To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

He’s so young. YABVU to basically throw him out when he seems to be doing pretty okay compared to lots of boys his age. But I’m guessing if you’re the sort of parent who considers it’s okay to send your 18 year old out into the world to be independent, I don’t think a bunch of strangers on MN are going to sway your opinion.

I've read many posts on here with sons of a similar age with no job or motivation to get one at all so yabu in that respect as he has a FT job which he seems to get on well with.

Nothing wrong with the job but IMO you do need to help him become more financially independent. I would increase the rent (with notice) to sometime more market-rate-y but say to him you'll save the difference and give it back to him (with a bonus if you can) as a deposit for a house in the future.

I think your being unreasonable.
I sound like your son when I was at that age and was very “lost”. Your meant to know what you want to do and be (I did but couldn’t afford it). It is hard.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that you sort of don’t need to know, you can convert degrees easier than starting again at 30/40. But I don’t think I could have studied without the direction of an end point.

However, chucking him out is not going to force him down that path. It’s possible he’ll end up in debt.
Ultimately you can support him, advise him. But it is his life.

I’d kick him out for not helping, not paying and not having a job. But he has all those and does all that.

He’s a good lad, you’ve clearly done a good job. Give him a cuddle. Give him some space and back off.

Ps I def think he should be paying for his own clothes and mobile phone at 19! Perhaps instead of increasing rent ask him to start lying for those.

He is already paying for his car which is great.

Hi all thanks for the advice and truthful words, we've both been chatting together in the past few days and he has said he wants to progress and see what career he can make out of retail while he decides whether it truly is what he wants to do in life.

So i guess any tips on trying to progress in retail?

He has a good steady job, working long hours to earn extra. I feel sorry for him with you comparing him to his medic mate (you never know he might not complete his degree or change his mind. FWIW when the medic is a JHO they will earn less than your son per hr due to the hours they will expected to work)
Retail can offer some great career paths. Big box store managers and regional managers attract high salaries. (And unsociable hours) It depends what type of retailing he is interested in FMCG or specialist. My advice would be have a chat with his line manager/SM in his current business and see what training options are available to him. He's is doing the best thing at the minute by working hard and good leader will identify that and should mentor accordingly.

So i guess any tips on trying to progress in retail?
Can you not just let him be, for now? Why do you need to direct him all the time? You decided to back off and now you're jumping back in trying to get him to progress. He'll clam up again. Can't you see that?

I was trying to be funny but clearly that failed.

We had a chat about his finances, I didn't force this chat, we were sat like mother and son do some time (because shock horror you might think I'm a shit mum but i still speak to my son) and he brings up wanting to upgrade his car and then this led onto could he afford it. And then we were on about with his current salary would he be able to afford to upgrade again in the future once life costs got in the way.

He then had an actual cry about the feeling of being a failure compared to his friends and we talked about that he hasn't failed but taken a different path in life and it's up to him where that takes him. He then said he thinks he might want to become a manager one day as he likes what he does.

So no I'm not pressuring him, he brought up being a manager himself.

If he is interested in becoming a manger most retailers have a structured manager course which gives candidates experience of the various departments and training in managerial responsibilities. Theses are advertised on line or he could enquire with his current employer (something to keep in mind).

He feels like a failure because of the pushing and pressure you are putting on him. Your getting in his head.

He is only 19. Dd didn’t find her feet till she was 22 and is now flowing round the world for her career. She dropped out of college but really pulled it together when she was ready.

The life you imagine you want for your kid comes from love but it’s not your life.

You should just want your children to be mentally healthy, a good person and happy.

I know you think your doing this for his benefit but stop it or you will make him unwell

Of course he's on the bottom rung. He's 18. I'm not sure he's area manager material yet.

He's holding down a job and working hard by the sounds of things. To put this in context, one of my friends is a partner in a legal firm. It really used to get her goat that her partner earned more as a supermarket manager.

Threatening to kick him out is cruel. If he was a dosser, that's one thing, but he's applying himself. Just not in the career you would have chosen for him.

No shame in working hard, at anything. Life is a long game with lots of bends and troughs along the way. Some people never make a lot of money. Doesn't mean they're failures. He's not even close to failing, by the sounds of it.