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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS he will need to leave

337 replies

Vaki · 11/02/2020 17:49

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

OP posts:
Enchiladas · 13/02/2020 08:25

This is INSANE. He's a lot more responsible and prepared for life than every 19yo I've ever known! Stop comparing him to others, degrees aren't for everyone and you should be proud of his fantastic work ethic - at that age especially!

Bleubell · 13/02/2020 08:30

It seems to me you just want your son to do well in life and reach his full potential. I was in a similar position to your son at 19. I didn't do great at school and had no clue what I wanted to do when I left! I got full time work and it was only at age 24 I decided what career I wanted, I started a degree with the open uni and now have a plan for the future.

I don't regret doing things this way as I now have good work ethic and will graduate with a degree I will actually use. He has plenty of time to figure out what he wants to do, be that go to uni or progress in his current workplace.

For what it's worth I moved out when I was 22 then moved back home at 25 due to circumstances at the time, living at home hasn't affected my motivation to gain qualifications. For me motivation came naturally when I knew what I wanted out of life, 19 is quite young to have it all figured out so try not to worry too much right now OP.

skippy67 · 13/02/2020 08:30

He works hard, pays rent, does his fair share around the house, and you want to kick him out? That makes no sense to me at all. Isn't that what 19yo are supposed to do?? FWIW, my BIL started working in a supermarket when he was 16, moved up the ranks, and was able to retire mortgage free at 55. Along the way, he travelled loads to places like India, the US, and extensively throughout Europe. Support your son and stop comparing him to others.

BanginChoons · 13/02/2020 08:36

If you kick him.out you will be putting him at a severe disadvantage. I had to fend for myself as a teenager, this meant I couldn't afford to learn to drive which limited my work opportunities, couldn't afford to continue my education and couldn't afford to save for a mortgage so I was stuck renting. You would be doing your son a massive disservice by telling him to move out at this point. He sounds like a hardworking, sensible lad. Not everyone goes to uni and that is perfectly ok.

Halo1234 · 13/02/2020 08:43

I think YABU.
He is working full time. Paying his way and helping in the house. Why would u kick him out?
Not everyone needs to be a doctor or lawyer or scientist. The world needs people to work in supermarkets too. And doctors lawyers and scientists are not the only happy people in society (I am sure sometimes they are miserable too). He can be successfull without getting a degree. Think it's awful you are judging him for working in a supermarket. Where would we be if everyone had your attitude.

itbemay1 · 13/02/2020 08:51

What @pristine said!

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck · 13/02/2020 08:58

A family member of mine was doing the same at 19. Got offered a really good apprenticeship in a 'proper' trade. Wasn't really feeling it, turned down the apprenticeship and continued 'coasting' at the supermarket, causing lots of eyebrow raising within the family. 10 years later, he's still at the supermarket, has taken numerous in house management courses, worked his way up and is now very senior on a very good salary. Degrees and 'proper' careers aren't always the best path.

Namethecat · 13/02/2020 09:06

I live in the North West . We know a man (43) who has worked in the same supermarket most of his working life. He hasn't worked up to manager or anything, just plodded along.
But , he is buying his own house, and has been doing so for at least 15 years. Has a car , enjoys hobbies such as photography , mountain bikes ,etc
is single and happy to be so.so
It's not the end of the world not to have big ideas or big ambitions, let him be him and be happy if he is happy with his life .

DPotter · 13/02/2020 09:21

How about suggesting he contact the National Careers Service? They can help to bring focus on people's aims and ambitions and steer people on to suitable courses and /or employers

Greydove28 · 13/02/2020 12:37

@opticaldelusion I completely agree. God forbid they might also enjoy having their childrens company at home as well. Mumsnet just make them out to be a massive burden. I also think charging £250 is steep for board but thats another story...

Emijen · 13/02/2020 12:43

He’s 19! It’s his life, fair play if you want to charge him rent but you can’t force him to do something with his life that he doesn’t want to do. Some people don’t have huge career aspirations and that’s okay

Alsohuman · 13/02/2020 12:45

I also think charging £250 is steep for board but thats another story...

It’s £62.50 a week and includes basic clothes and mobile phone contract. That’s a bloody bargain.

RhymingRabbit3 · 13/02/2020 13:18

He doesnt know what he wants to do yet and he is only 18, so that is fine. Would you rather he wasted 3 years and thousands of pounds doing a "worthwhile" degree. He might still end up working in a supermarket in 3 years time - plenty of graduates do.

Original poster
Vaki · 13/02/2020 18:11

Thank you once again for the replies. I do realise now that pressuring him to decide what he wants to do in life when he is a hard working, dedicated teenager is a tad too much, so I'm going to back off and let him have some time to just knuckle down at work and sort his path out himself.

I will suggest he looks on some of the career websites and services recommended and have a chat about fincancial responsibility, to make sure he's being sensible.

I don't think £250 is too much, that covers rent, food, mobile bill, joint family purchases, basic clothes etc.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 13/02/2020 19:16

You could encourage him to learn to drive.

It is a life skill and will probably use the skill more than him taking some random degree

Jux · 15/02/2020 00:13

Learning to drive is a big thing and will open up the world for him more and more. He'll be able to get himself to a Uni to stay with a friend when he has a weekend off, he'll be able to drive to a ferry crossing and pop over to France, he'll be able to do a road trip on his main vacation... Then it's something that employers often ask for so he'll have a much wider choice of job; it goes on and on.

Original poster
Vaki · 15/02/2020 00:49

He can already drive and owns and pays for his car himself.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 15/02/2020 01:02

Nephew did this for a few years.
Was encouraged to look at courses in an area he was interested in.
He liked history at school so started at uni studying history.
Became a history teacher .
Now studying to be a vet.
He was asked to leave his posh school in year 11 because the school did not think he could cope with year 12.
This affected his confidence severely.
Different man now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/02/2020 05:03

I really don’t see the problem with him.

He seems for 18 to be more capable than most and has his life so far pretty sorted.

I think he might be scared to tell you his plans as he already knows you don’t approve of his job and maybe even if he doesn’t actually want to pursue the supermarket route he thinks if he tells you what he might or might not want to do you will take over and he will feel not in control

UnexpectedItemInTheShaggingAre · 15/02/2020 05:56

YABU.
I went to do a law degree at an RG uni as a teen, i finished with great grades, but it was dull, and beyond stressful. And I had a breakdown.
I’ve wasted my student funding, so I will struggle to change career to something I actually want to do. And I am stagnant.
My best friend from the supermarket I worked in at uni on the other hand. Stayed at the supermarket and is in her final year of a degree she loves. Aged 29
She is happy.
Life isn’t about being in a certain place at a certain time. It’s just about being, and doing and living.

I have no idea what I want with my life, I really doubt many of us do.

ivykaty44 · 15/02/2020 06:04

You have a working, contributing son who also does chores.

But you want him to be an engineer or bio chemist

Why do you want him to complete your aspirations?

Op I think you leave the lad alone to create his own life and whilst you can talk to him about his goals in life you don’t force him to do anything.

If he wasn’t working and contributthen it would be different- but he us

heidbuttsupper · 15/02/2020 08:27

Why are mumsnetters so desperate to chuck their kids out Confused

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 15/02/2020 08:38

I think you’re being massively unfair and don’t seem to care what your ds wants. I feel really sorry for him actually...it’s horrible to realise that your parents don’t think you’re good enough.

Theflying19 · 15/02/2020 08:59

Make sure he is paying you market rent... And then save some up for him for a deposit or for if he wants to study or something. Kicking him out is not necessarily the answer. I mean at least he has got a job!

FET2020 · 15/02/2020 09:08

Not everyone is cut out to be a doctor or lawyer. There’s no shame in working in a supermarket. He’s sounds like a hard worker.

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