To tell DS he will need to leave

[Vaki]

DS is just about to turn 19 and currently still lives at home and credit to him pays his way and does household tasks.

But he has absolutely no future plans and when asked what career he wants or job he wants to do just says "idk or not got a clue". He got meh gcse's and a levels, but could have done better if he applied himself and actually revised.
He's currently working at a supermarket near us, sometimes working 6 days a week with his hours constantly changing.

I'm just worried that he is getting too comfortable working there and will just coast along in life, because he has low costs, he has lots of money to spend on things he wants to do and save up. But while all his mates are out getting amazing degrees such as one is doing medicine, one law, one chemical engineering, he's coasting and not developing himself in any way.

Aibu to tell him, by the start of next academic year in september, he needs to figure out what he wants to do and be working towards that, otherwise he will have to move out and actually support himself on his wage.

Before everyone starts to kill me, i love my son and am proud of him because as a family we've gone through some tough times, so to even be where he is is good.

But i think no parent wants there child to be coasting in life, I'm happy for him to keep working at the supermarket, i just want him to be bettering himself as well, so if he wants to work there, take advantage of the courses they offer, or apply to become a supervisor and work his way up. Because currently he's not progressing or learning and I'm scared he'll stagnate.

I never got the opportunity to go to university, because i found had to take on caring responsibilities and work full time to help my family as soon as i left education and you know what maybe I'm projecting some of that on him, in that i would have loved to have gone to uni but was denied the chance, and now he has the chance and he isn't bothered

Instead of comparing him to lawyers, doctors and engineers, why not try comparing him to blokes his age who are unemployed, high on drugs, or fathering kids they dont pay for? Then see how you feel about your son who works, contributes to the house and is paying his way.

I find the attitude of “low paid work is good, but not for my kids” really unhealthy. Maybe he is happy in the job he has and doesn’t want the stress of anything different.

He has between £750 and £1250 per month left over. Is he saving any of it? I would put his rent up, even if you only save it on his behalf.
Fwiw I have a friend who started working for a supermarket in her teens. She is still with the same employer over 30 years later and her job takes her to branches all over the UK.

God he is only 19! He hands up a wage, helps around the house, give him a chance! It's not as if he is lazy and lying in bed all day sponging off you. He works 6 days a week! Comparing him to his mates because he is not stretching himself enough? Maybe he is comparing you to his mates parents who might be more supportive and understanding than you are...

I think your being really unfair on your son.

He works and pays digs and does housework which is a lot more than most 18year olds.

I "coasted" for 6 years in a call center until I finally decided what I wanted to do. I still moved out and bought a house at 26 and married and had kids and progressed my career beyond my call center expectations.

My parents would have never dreamed of even Considering kicking me out at 18.

Are you embaressed that he works in a supermarket? Have you considered he may be happy doing that?

YABVU. He’s still very young but is responsible enough to work hard, pay his way and do household tasks, which IMO is a lot to be proud of. Decide if you want to allow him to continue living in the family home or not, but don’t use it as a way to force him into living the life you want him to live - because it’s actually not your decision to make.

I think you are being COMPLETELY unreasonable.

I know of numerous families who would love their DS to be like yours. He is EIGHTEEN. How many people really know what they want to do at that age? I certainly didn't.

If I were you I'd encourage him to save money and see the world. That's exactly what I did - ended up living abroad for 10 years and it completely changed my outlook and life. It set me on my career path (I've got 2 degrees, a post grad and am now back at uni PT doing some more post grad stuff).

I think the biggest issue here is YOUR perception of him in relation to his friends.

My step daughter supported herself through uni by working in a supermarket, she now has a very good, well paid job in senior management at the same supermarket. Your son sounds responsible, saves his money, is a hard worker, it could be much much worse. You would be totally unreasonable to kick him out because his job doesn't sound great...is it about appearances OP? Are you ashamed of him?

He is working hard and paying his way. What more do you want?

University is not the right choice for everyone. And it is not always the right choice at 18. If he got mediocre A levels he is right not to go to a mediocre Uni to do a mediocre degree and come out with a huge debt.

You are right to encourage him to look at other options. Apprenticeships, travel, volunteering, re- sitting A levels at night school etc. But do not underestimate the value of work experience.If he enjoys the supermarket can he climb the ladder there? Or can he use his experience to move on to another supermarket/ retail job?

You would be really mean to throw him out.

If you want to let him continue to live with you, I would start charging him market rent. He needs a dose of reality so he starts taking his future seriously.

I work in mental health in HE, and my days are filled with students who are having emotional breakdowns because they're doing a course to please other people, and not because they truly want to do it, and have a clear goal. 19 is so so young, he has a whole lifetime to decide what he wants to BE and what he wants to DO (and his mind may change a dozen times over the years). Pressuring him to make a decision when he's not ready just isn't going to be in any way helpful.

He's financially solvent, he's working, he's mentally healthy. By all means nudge him to consider his future and his options, but pushing him to make a great big decision is unlikely to help him in the long term.

An 18 year old is not "still" living at home.

You're being way way too harsh.

I think YABU he’s 19 not 35 ! Maybe have a conversation about using his time living at home to save as much as he can towards a deposit for the future as once you move out that is very hard to do.

He’s 19. My husband was in exactly the same scenario at that age. After 2-3 years, living for nothing but the weekend lost its appeal and he retrained, and also moved out to do so. I know an awful lot of people (mostly men ) who went through similar mindless and feckless phases at that age. Most are now more successful than me, the perfect swot and people pleaser, because they figured out what THEY wanted.

I would say that getting him to move out would tie him into rentals etc which will cost him more than living at home, so he will need to work to live and will be more likely to stay on his current path. His current path may lead him into management and then management for other companies, so that’s not necessarily an issue IMO.

I don’t think trying to force a decision by a certain date is likely to lead to a change in direction that will stick. People have to get to gear thins in their own time, as frustrating as that is to watch. He has to find his own way and decide what is important for him, now and in the future. You can raise awareness of options he may not be aware of, but if he doesn’t want to listen, he won’t.

If, however, having him live at home is becoming a pain (e.g. random young women leaving in the early hours), fair enough to ask him to leave on that account. There is an age at which I think kids living at home can get a bit weird for all concerned!

So.... he’s 18, working, paying his way and doing his bit at home and you’re wanting him to move out, at 18, because he doesn’t know what he wants to do yet but others do? He’s still a teenager. Lots of people don’t know what they want to do at 19 do they?!

Cut him some slack. If he was bumming about the house doing fuck all then you’d definitely have a point but he’s not.

Why can't you just have a chat with him and ask him where he would like to be in 10 years time. I bet it's not living with you in a min wage job.

You can then help him achieve that. It's going to be easier if he's not having to rent somewhere.

*get there

it's great that you want more for him but no good can come of comparing him to everyone else. For every one that has a degree and is progressing there'll be others bumming around making their parents lives a misery. He works, he pays rent, he sounds like a nice person. When I was 19 I was onto my second stint with the mental health team after trying to take my life, despite great A level results.. I know what kid I'd rather have.

Just read your update OP and yes you’re right, you are 100% projecting.

He can’t have been working in the supermarket very long - how much ‘progression’ would you expect him to have made at 18 in a new job? Rest assured that if he’s good at his job and shows potential, it will be noticed and he will be given opportunities to progress, if he wants to.

My ex boyfriend worked in Sainsbury’s years ago. All his mates off doing wonderful degrees - he didn’t fancy it. Didn’t know what to do. A new system implementation led to him being seconded to head office. A few career moves later and he now works at Microsoft earning a fuckton of money in a great role. Sometimes, it’s OK to coast for a while.

Oh, and no student debt and timing wise he bought a house before they all graduated, that had doubled in value before they’d donned their gowns to pick up theirs degrees!

I obviously wouldn't make my son homeless and i don't look down on people doing any job, hell I've had to work a few of the ones that are looked down on.

I'm just trying to find a way to guide him and nudge him to decide and nothing is working. He won't sit down and talk about and try figure out what career he wants and how to get there, he won't go to career fairs or chat to friends in recruiting. He didn't go see a career advisor at college to talk things through. Everything I've tried he has just turned his nose up, so this suggestion of telling him to at least start looking at what he wants or support himself was the final straw / idea

Sounds like you are projecting a bit though OP. Comparing him to others is totally unnecessary and potentially damaging- you have no idea how happy his friends actually are and a great many of my friends who were 'guided' by their parents into sensible well paid careers dropped out by their 30's and retrained.

He works full time at 19 and helps at home, he IS doing well. He may want to move out himself in a minute, I'm sure can progress in retail if he wants and learn some transferable skills which he can take anywhere. I think you are unfairly dismissing retail actually, I spent may years as a senior retail manager and it was easily the hardest job I had, everything i learnt about business, people management and commercial acuity I learnt from it. It won't harm him to do it for a few years or try to become a supervisor, quite the opposite and may help guide him towards recognising where his strengths lie.

Yabu !!! He's your son I couldn't imagine telling my child at any age they would need to leave there home he's working why would you even consider this .

Going against the grain yanbu.
You're not some evil villain for wanting him not to get complacent and giving him a little push to think about his future.

Obviously you know your son best and hopefully wouldn't do anything you know to be detrimental to his mental health, but if you think hes idling away and wasting his life then now is the time to address it.

If he wants a lifelong career in the supermarket business, then great, but at the least it should be a conscious choice. He does have a lot of time to decide but nothing wrong with getting him started and reminding him he's young and the world is his oyster?

I don't think you need to worry about him "stagnating" at only 18. He's got plenty of time to figure out what he wants to do and work his way towards that. But I don't think throwing him out of his family home, especially when he's making every effort to pay his way and be helpful, is going to motivate him or do anything for your relationship.