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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 12:11

It changes nothing op. She should have bought the cokes, she could have brought dessert , ffs sake she could have brought wine, you bring for the host not just yourself so the fact she doesn't drink much is irrelevant. Ffs I wouldn't visit a friend without bringing a packet a biscuits! Dump her before you get too invested

77seven · 10/02/2020 12:12

I don’t know why you didn’t just say you were a man in the first place OP, but anyway....

a) Yes, if it were me I would have offered to get cokes or whatever after the activity

b) She easily could have brought something to your house that wasn’t wine or flowers Confused Chocolates? This is basic manners.

Having said all this, I do think the man should want to pay for most things on the first few dates. Call me old-fashioned, but there it is. But she should offer, at least. It’s weird to just stand there or show up with nothing.

FamBae · 10/02/2020 12:12

My previous comment still stands despite the flip, I found myself dating again (in my fifties) and I always paid my way or reciprocated on the next date, and I would never turn up on anyone's doorstep for dinner without a bottle even if it doesn't get opened.

JeansNTees · 10/02/2020 12:13

Wow OP you were really invested in seeming like a woman. The bitch slap comment, calling us girls. Uh huh

Also if she's not invested in you, that is a sign in itself.

LittlebitAlexis · 10/02/2020 12:15

I was the skint single parent in the relationship when I met OH and we spent many a date at mine where I'd cook or just an afternoon at a park etc low cost /no cost dates. I wasn't comfortable going out if I had no money to buy even just one round of drinks.
This person really should be offering to pay a % of her way at least or offer to return the favour by cooking a meal.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 12:15

In fact, given the fact that men earn more than women on average, it seems like most women must date wealthier men - that's the norm.

Spare me the sophistry @deydododatdodontdeydo.
My point - as you well know - has nothing to do with who earns what, & everything to do with who contributes. That contribution doesn't need to be monetary, but it needs to be there.
From man or from woman.

But you carry on assuming that "most women relish being treated by wealthier men", & never mind the connotations or fairness ...

Kirschcherry · 10/02/2020 12:16

The advise still stands. I would have been actually mortified to stand there and let you buy the cokes after you had paid for the date. My DH had much more money than me when we first got together and he happily paid for a lot more than me but I always offered to pay my share and happily bought him little gestures like chocolate and wine that I knew he liked to show him how much I liked him. 15 years on I still do actually.

fortyfifty · 10/02/2020 12:17

It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

Yes - that is definitely wrong. I'd be upset too and find this very off-putting.

TwentyViginti · 10/02/2020 12:18

@TwentyViginti dating isn’t reserved for rich people and dates don’t have to cost anything. Would you have made the same comment if the OP was male and it was a woman who couldn’t afford to go on expensive dates?

As I've said, I'm poor cash wise but contributed to dates what I could afford, or suggested free or very low cost dates. I didn't freeload at every opportunity.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 12:19

Obviously she can't bring me flowers! What should I have expected?

Flowers, you lunatic!
Why can't women buy you flowers?
I buy them for my male pals.

Flyinggeese · 10/02/2020 12:20

OP don't address women as 'girls' please. I'm out.

Yogawoogie · 10/02/2020 12:20

Everyone talking about nurses wages... utter nonsense!
My take home (as a nurse) can be anything from £1600 to £1800. After paying outgoings each month I’m not left with a lot.

Sorry op, I know this isn’t what you asked but it is possibly that she’s telling the truth. She has nothing left. She absolutely should not be taking advantage of your kindness though.

If you really like her then talk to her.

managedmis · 10/02/2020 12:21

Let's face it, op, what's a girl like her doing with a time waster like you?

alliwantisabitofpeace · 10/02/2020 12:22

Comments still stand despite the flip!

When I was dating I made sure I had enough money to pay my half and get home if need be and when I didn’t and got invited out I would say that at that time of the month I could not afford it. Its not acceptable to go on a date and expect the other person to foot the entire bill unless that is the clear arrangement from the start.

If I was her and invested in you I would have 100% brought the drinks and would have offered a home cooked meal at my place by return before now. Its not about either person having no money at this point it the attitude and clear expectation.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 12:22

Does the situation yesterday with the cokes after the activity still stand?
Why would it not? Do you seriously feel this is a gender-dependent question?

Should I have expected her to offer to pay for them given I paid for the activity?
Yes, & she should be embarrassed by herself.

I'm really torn. It feels so so shallow to dump her because she can't afford to buy me a coke, but.....
Can't afford a coke? Then WTF is she doing on a dating site?
She can afford to buy you a coke. She just doesnt want to, & has some entrenched entitlement going on. RUN.

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 12:23

Are you the RP?

Is she the RP?

Hont1986 · 10/02/2020 12:24

Lol at the salty comments by people who were tricked by the reverse.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 12:24

Okay point taken about the reverse. Maybe it wasn't needed, but I felt I'd just be called names otherwise.

BTW, seems some confusion - I do drink, she doesn't. So I cooked dinner, and made her favourite dessert and she brought nothing.

OP posts:
Somerville · 10/02/2020 12:24

Girls Hmm

Straycatstrut · 10/02/2020 12:24

As I've said, I'm poor cash wise but contributed to dates what I could afford, or suggested free or very low cost dates. I didn't freeload at every opportunity.

This is my situation too. It's the person that is important, not the date. OP try scaling it down massively and see how she reacts.

77seven · 10/02/2020 12:26

What is RP?

madcatladyforever · 10/02/2020 12:27

If I met someone lovely I wouldn't mind this situation but I absolutely would not pay for anything and I'm surprised he let's you tbh.
His kids will grow up and his money situation will improve but he has to understand that it isn't acceptable for you to pay for everything.
A camping holiday will cost little or nothing and dates at home or in the park cost nothing.
I've paid for men before and I can tell you respect goes out of the winDow very quickly.
He has to understand this before you begin a relationship.

DishingOutDone · 10/02/2020 12:28

Now you see normally I hate reverses, but this one was particularly well done. I think she should have said at least once, oh no let me get that - or, look, I'm really tight for cash this month do you mind if we stay in.

I think you need to have the conversation OP ... or is that what you are trying to avoid? Grown up words eh?! Wink

Bananalanacake · 10/02/2020 12:28

You can date him if you like him but no need to move in, take it slowly and see what happens.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 12:28

@Yogawoogie

Thanks - I really don't think she is tight. I just think she doesn't have the money, and that's my original question - am I a bad person for considering her being able to buy me a coke a reasonable expectation?

OP posts: