Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

My advice still stands regardless of this being a reverse. If you really like her, be honest. See what she says. Then decide. Oh and if I go to a man's place for dinner I always bring wine. If he didn't drink I would bring desert or chocolates, something like that.

As I said in my first post - the fact she doesn't have much money wouldn't bother me.
However, your updates do seem to imply he/she is just tight, which would be another matter.

OK so it's a reverse: yes she should have offered to buy cokes yes and offered to cook a meal or brought desert. This is good manners; nothing to do with gender!

@IveGot3kids

It still stands. She's a freeloader. Sits there like a dummy while you pay for everything? Nope.

I don't care what she earns. To not even say "I'll get these" to a couple of cokes!

It's not always about the money..

I agree @Cosmos45 - but it is always about the attitude.
And I wonder what his response will be if OP heeds:
So next time he says - I want to see you.
Say “great, what do you suggest?”

Reckon he will suggest coming round to OP's, expect her to cook a meal, & turn up empty-handed again.
I'm suspicious that he hasn't invited OP to his home, & the cynic in me feels he may be boundary-testing with a view to eventual cocklodging.

Skint, I could cope with.
Refusing to take the initiative with creative & caring ways of dating on the cheap - RED FLAG.

It applies both ways OP. She /He can't take the piss especially when they are both in similar circumstances with kids etc.

we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment.
I think op that he has just got used to you picking up the tab.

Flipped posts really piss me off. Just tell the fucking truth.
But to answer your question, yes she ought to have bought the cokes and brought wine to dinner (even if she wasn't drinking it). She could still bring flowers or dessert and offer to go halves on lunch,even if she couldn't afford to pay for all of it.

Ooo I love a flipped post

Glad my DH didn’t feel this way. I was constantly skint and he earned well. Been married 13 years now. Money isn’t everything

We went out yesterday

^^

O-kkkkayyyyyyyy

P. S. We're not girls. We're demons on here.

So, girls - a guy offers to cook you dinner (and home make you your favourite dessert after you told him you liked it) and you're not a big drinker, what do you bring to show your appreciation? Obviously she can't bring me flowers! What should I have expected?

You lost me at “girls”.

Just so you know @IveGot3kids , I think you'd have got the same advice without the reverse.

If it was me dating I'd just be honest about the money situation upfront. I'd arrange more expensive dates for when I'd just got paid - and other times it'd be a coffee and a walk. I'd be totally honest about it. My ex got into so much debt secretly when we were together, thousands & thousands. He's in such a mess now I don't know how he'll ever date again. I'd need (and hope for) honesty and fairness from the start.

This isn't a case where it's a disparity of incomes where one person can only afford a cheap cafe or pub whilst the other wants to go to high end restaurants. If this woman literally has no means to pay for anything at all, not even the ingredients to cook a pasta bake at home, then she shouldn't be actively seeking to date by joining a site (unless she's upfront at the start about the other person having to pay every time).

And I wouldn’t take flowers round to a man’s house on a date. Or wine, for that matter. I’d probably take some chocolates.

Right, I was going to write, and it stands the same after the reverse reveal: the problem here is that you've set up a pattern of behaviour, become unhappy with it, and then not said anything about the fact you are uncomfortable with it. The other person isn't a mind reader, and if you swoop in and pay for everything (as it appears to them), they might just assume that is your preference (it is for some people). Don't make any jokey comments about it, just in a calm way, say something like, 'I hope this doesn't feel too uncomfortable, but I'd just like to discuss your expectations around finances and spending together. I think I can afford xx to do xx, x times a week. Can you afford to contribute to that? Equally? Proportionally? I think I need to rein in what I've currently been spending.' Something like that. Then you both have a clear shared understanding, and you can both decide if you want things to continue, if it's possible, with your expectations aligned.

So you're the bloke paying for everything and she's the stingy one ?

My opinion still stands although you may not like a box of chocolates :) if I was going to a guy's house that didn't drink I'd offer to bring starters or dessert or at least the makings of it and cook it together or I'd bring something sparkling and non alcoholic .

I'd still go with what I said about getting her to organise a date and instead of pretending to forget your purse , forget your wallet.

If he's been a nurse for a few years he'll be on around 30k, with unsocial hours allowances, assuming he's had no promotions and is on the bottom pay grade.

If he's a senior nurse he could be earning 40- 50k, potentially more.

So no, I don't think it's ok for him to not pay for drinks or food.

I disagree with @mantarays. As a woman, I'd definitely take wine round to my partner's house - and I do, nearly every time I go.

But the reverse thread feels disingenuous, OP, and unnecessary.

My take on this still stands regardless of the sex of you both. I'm a woman, little cash but contributed to dates as I outlined earlier.

I would of course have bought the cokes.

@TwentyViginti dating isn’t reserved for rich people and dates don’t have to cost anything. Would you have made the same comment if the OP was male and it was a woman who couldn’t afford to go on expensive dates?

There's a difference between unable to afford full on restaurant type dates (like £60 per head plus), and not being able to pay £15 for one course and a glass of wine. I don't care at all about fancy things, but really wouldn't go out with someone like that, unless it was a knowable short term thing. I did have a skint boyfriend once when we were both young and I didn't have responsibilities, but it's not something that I'd do these days. It would rapidly get very draining.

I usually think reverses are quite sensible in order to overcome the usual MN biases, but in this case I don't think it really works.

In current UK dating culture, there is a difference between what is expected of the man, and what's expected of the woman. It's sexist, and it's changing, but it is still there and it is real.

So I don't think it is a red flag that she didn't offer to pay for the cokes, for example. She's just a woman behaving the way that our sexist society has taught her is acceptable. Now, do you want to date someone who rejects that, and wants to get drinks, or pay half? Good! You should! An admirable trait to seek in a partner!

But I don't think you can do a reverse and say "see, she didn't behave the way a man should" because society doesn't work like that yet.

@IveGot3kids I think the main issue is the lack of effort.

If she doesn't have a lot of money then fine, but she could have paid for those cokes or at least offered to split a lunch bill with you. She could invite you over and do you a cheap dinner.