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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/02/2020 12:28

Is it he or she? Anyway it doesn't matter, doesn't change the situation.

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 12:29

RP is resident parent

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/02/2020 12:29

I think to do it as a reverse was exactly the right choice.
You'd have been slaughtered doing it the other way round.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 12:29

The genders are not relevant,it's about respect and not being grabby, about equal partnerships..

I have a male friend who was in your position op. He is a high earner, six figures, she was a low earner, probably about 20 odd grand a year. He paid for everything, she never offered once.

The crunch came when he paid to take her on holiday, paid for everything, inc food and drinks, and she was going out one morning to get post cards and he asked her to pick him up some. She came back with one only for him and actually asked him for the two euros.

He was starting to feel like she was only in it for what she could get, that it was his money and not him, and my advice was to end it. He did.

You can't be sitting resenting someone who doesn't wish to contribute and expects you to pay for it all. Contributing can take many formats, it doesn't need to be just financial, but a point blank refusal to contribute in any way isn't something that can sustain a relationship

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 12:30

Are you the RP? Is she?

WorraLiberty · 10/02/2020 12:30

FFS anther reverse? Hmm

When will MNHQ start banning people for this? It's against talk guidelines which say "No trolling, misleading or deliberately inflammatory behaviour".

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 12:30

my comments still stand, I don’t think it makes much difference.

I think she probably wants a boyfriend.

If she couldn’t have afforded the cokes she should just say so, if anyone said that to me I would tell them not to worry! But just standing there doing nothing is odd.

But many women are ingrained to think the social norm is for the man to pay for everything, sadly. You quite rightly don’t have to carry on with someone who’s stuck in such an outdated mode of thinking

Trahira · 10/02/2020 12:31

BTW, seems some confusion - I do drink, she doesn't

What? You specifically said she had a drink of your wine! Is this just flipped or is it also made up?

Skyejuly · 10/02/2020 12:32

I don't think you can put a price on love and money won't buy it. It's up to you. Personally, it wouldn't overly matter if I was falling for the guy.

dognamedspot · 10/02/2020 12:33

I don't care if it's a reverse or not. Regardless of male or female - if you know you can't afford to pay much if anything for "going out" you acknowledge that. You just say up front that you don't have a lot of money to spare, feel a bit bad to keep going on dates when you can't contribute. Then you're the one cooking meals and arranging other cheap or free treats.

77seven · 10/02/2020 12:33

Obviously, even if she’s on minimum wage, she could easily buy a coke or bring a gift for dinner. She could have just made some biscuits or flapjacks with any old guff in the cupboard and brought that.

It’s the effort that counts, not the money. But here there is no effort or money.

As I said, my DH tended to pay, but I made it up in other ways do he couldn’t always pay eg. cooked dinner at home; booked the theatre or whatever in advance.

If she can’t buy you even a coke, she has no business being out in a date, frankly.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 12:33

@Flyinggeese

I am sorry, I didn't mean anything negative by it.

OP posts:
Highonpotandused · 10/02/2020 12:34

Dump her. But the reverse was really manipulative, and insulting to people’s intelligence. Hidi my thread.

Highonpotandused · 10/02/2020 12:34

*Hiding thread

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 12:34

* I don't think you can put a price on love and money won't buy it.*

Oh don’t be daft. When there’s young children involved, money is a considered and its bloody selfish and reckless to think otherwise

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 12:34

So I don't think it is a red flag that she didn't offer to pay for the cokes, for example. She's just a woman behaving the way that our sexist society has taught her is acceptable.

Is she? Is it?
It's 2020 & time for the special pleading to stop.
It's just plain insulting to expect any other human to foot your bill 100% of the time.

Yes, pay disparity, yes, different expectations around socialising - these can be worked out & proportionate accommodations made.
But "s/he can buy my dinner, & I won't even buy her/him a coke" is just using. And a revolting spectacle from either gender.

dognamedspot · 10/02/2020 12:35

Hit send too soon... male or female... you take something as a small contribution or gift when being cooked for. Offer to make desert maybe.
I think the key here is that it's not very nice to just sit and wait to be paid for, to just assume you can ignore the elephant in the room and just take.
Oh, and a few dates in is a bit early to be meeting children and going away with each other isn't it?

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 12:35

Op please answer

Are you the RP?!! Is she?!

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 12:35

What’s being the RP got to do with anything.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 12:35

Jesus she didn't even do the fake reach Grin

SVRT19674 · 10/02/2020 12:36

Why can't she bring you flowers? I gave my then boyfriend flowers on one of our dinner dates, certainly got his attention. Said no woman had ever done that before. We are married with one daughter.

managedmis · 10/02/2020 12:36

I'm out

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 12:38

I wouldnt bother, plenty of lovely guys out there and I wouldnt want to be constantly fleeting the bill

There aren't that many nice guys out there who are also single. However, I see the OP is actually looking for lovely, single women. No idea on that, sorry.

I am flat broke at the moment because of my job situation. I am very glad my boyfriend, who I've been seeing for a year, is not judgemental about this. However, he can see how much effort I make to try to change this. He can see that I'm not profligate and that I'm trying really hard to change my circumstances. I also make quite a bit of effort in other ways. If he buys a meal out, I'll get a round of drinks, even though it makes my budget very tight. We both like cheap dates, which is fortunate. He has DC, I don't and the way things are at the moment I spend time with his DC, which helps him out.

None of us can tell you if it's right or wrong OP, only how we would feel in that situation. There is, unfortunately, more of an expectation that a man will pay for everything. She may think that, or not really believe it but be taking advantage of it. A surprising number of posters on MN will say a man should pay for the entirety of a first date at least. They'll also say that a man should be the one to phone and that a woman doing so is 'chasing until her feet are on fire'.

I would at least talk to her about it, if you like her that much. See why she doesn't get you anything - and women can buy flowers for men. See if it's likely to change. If it won't change and you can't deal with it, then you need to end the relationship.

And whether to introduce partners to children is about more than the children's safety. Don't introduce them until you are as sure as you can be that it's a lasting relationship. It's too disruptive to be introduced to this year's girlfriend.

Noconceptofnormal · 10/02/2020 12:38

In my opinion it does make a difference that you're a man and she's, a woman in that the societal norm is that men will pay for the first few dates.

But that is not to say a woman shouldn't make a contribution, offer to go halves or pay for cheaper stuff, and it's definitely rude to not to bring something to a dinner.

I think the difference in values is enough if a reason to split, as someone who doesn't have good manners is also like to be selfish in other ways.

Spare yourself the heartache and make a break now.

Fixedterm · 10/02/2020 12:38

Some men always pay the bill and their women expect it . I wouldn’t mind this as I’m low income at the moment ( if the man earned at lot more ). However I would offer something , drinks a bottle of wine etc. If incomes more equal then I would split .

She should offer something.