Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

I think if you want to date someone and you want to do the usual like going out for drinks, meals, theatre etc, all of which cost money, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to date someone who can afford to do those things also. Otherwise, you’ll forever feel guilty for either suggesting those things, knowing he can’t afford them, or you’ll end up paying for everything, or you will just not be able to do those things. Not doing the things you like, would surely not get you down, no matter how much you like him. Unless you have friends that you can do all that stuff with and are happy that he won’t be able to do them with you! It’s not a choice between a having a social life or a partner who you love. It’s perfectly reasonable to want and have both together with that person. I’ve been chatting to a seemingly nice guy who has sole responsibility for his three kids and no money. It’s a non starter for me. I want a partner to enjoy all these things with. Life’s too short to not be doing the things you enjoy and that make you happy!

That surely is wrong?

It is wrong OP, and you know deep down but on some level you are denying that this is not sustainable. Make the break before you make enmeshed.

OP I wouldn't have let it get this far without blurting something out like "Ohhh okay, so I'm paying again? eyebrows raised..."in a smiley jokey-not-jokey way.

He's heading into CF category.

e went out yesterday, I booked the activity in advance (it was about £15 for us both) for 30 mins of fun. I booked and paid online because it was my suggestion and I wanted to do it. It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

Yes, he is now expecting a totally free ride, for as long as you see him.

There's a massive difference between being in a proper relationship and one person loses their job/earns less than the other and just dating.
In the former, the relationship is established and presumably both parties contribute in different ways. In the latter, you are still at the getting to know each other stage and if he's making no effort now, can you imagine how he's going to be once he truly gets his feet under the table?

Just listen to yourself OP!!
he would quite happily just come over and snuggle (have sex?) and drink water. You’re 5 dates in. Not in a long term relationship!!

Also - are you SURE "most women would relish being treated by a wealthier man", or are you actually stuck in a timeloop featuring constant reruns of Pretty Woman?

I'm not stuck ina timeloop, but maybe everyone else is.
Lots of women date wealthier men, no problem.
In fact, given the fact that men earn more than women on average, it seems like most women must date wealthier men - that's the norm.

PP's saying Give it a chance and see if he makes an effort. are fair & reasonable - it's only been half a dozen dates so far.

But f he fails to suggest e.g. Picnics, movie nights in and local trips out don't cost much. - but expects you to keep subsidising his meals, whether out or home-cooked - please fuck him off pronto.

If he can't make an effort to make you feel special & cared for at this early stage, at best he's never going to, at worst he's a selfish arse or looking for a mark wth more money than him.

It’s not really the money - he doesn’t value socialising or meals and wine out, and doesn’t see the need to treat you to anything which shows a certain selfishness and different priorities.

Have an honest chat - relationships are about slight compromises to be together and if both of you have set and different preferences you’re not suited.

He didn't even offer to buy you a glass of coke, why are you still paying for everything??
I presume you are new to mumsnet and haven't read the millions of cock lodging stories on here ?
My kids wouldn't behave like this, they understand the concept of give and take.
Are you that desperate for a guy that you are literally willing to buy one as that is what this is
I'm sure he is lovely and I'm sure soon enough he will have his feet under the table and not only will you be paying for him but his kids too .
6 dates, dump and don't date until you have raised your standards, they are rock bottom and boring for middle earth !!

I pay for all the dates and fun things I do with my husband/kids. Have done for years, because I work and he's a SAHD. No resentment here! I'd be really uncomfortable with the idea of not entering a relationship with someone just because of money. It's not as if he's some lazy bum with no job, he has a respectable and criminally-underpaid career and a lot of his money goes to taking care of his kids. Those sound like admirable things to me!!

HOWEVER, no matter how tight things are, letting a new/potential new partner pay for all of your first dates is disrespectful. Socially unaware, at very best. No matter how tight things are, that's something you need to find the money for. So that actually would be kind of worrying to me.

Online dating is expensive so he shouldn’t be dating if he can’t actually afford to date...

I was in an abusive relationship when I was much younger and one of the things he did was sit back and expect me to pay for everything. I was young and didn’t really have a backbone so I’d just do it then seethe quietly later. We never really went on dates unless I initiated it and then obviously subsequently paid for everything. Otherwise it was a case of sitting in his house watching a film, getting a take away sometimes which you can guess I paid for! He was abusive in many other ways but this was one of them I’d say, it was miserable.

I think sitting back expecting the other person to always foot the bill is just beyond rude. I’d leave now and definitely don’t introduce him to your DC.

With all your updates he just sounds worse I'm afraid. He couldn't even buy 2 cokes? It's the fact he is happy to just sit there and let you pay/provide, that would bother me. No acknowledgement or embarrassment about it on his part. If you really like him I would do what pp suggested and have an honest conversation. See how he reacts.

So you paid for both cokes???

Come on OP that's terrible behaviour especially from someone who is supposed to be trying to impress you.
I would go for one last date, he can arrange it, you should not offer to pay for anything at all this time. See what happens. If he pays for everything try another couple of dates the same. See if he is still keen at this point.

We went out yesterday, I booked the activity in advance (it was about £15 for us both) for 30 mins of fun. I booked and paid online because it was my suggestion and I wanted to do it. It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

I was all ready to tell you to give him a chance to cook the meal etc until you wrote the above! This is totally unacceptable and would be the final straw for me.

No, he’s a free loader, any decent bloke who really liked you would be doing one of the things suggested up thread. Like, as a minimum bringing soft drinks when you cooked, really wine or flowers are not beyond affordable for most people. Should have made the effort to cook for you, or plan something else cheap but special as a date, like a nice walk with a flask of coffee and homemade cake. There are options that show an effort but aren’t terribly expensive - He actually sounds lazy about dating you.

@IveGot3kids - to be fair I posted that without reading the thread properly so my example probably bore no resemblance to what you are saying about your relationship and the flags that are being raised. My apologies.

@IveGot3kids

We went out yesterday, I booked the activity in advance (it was about £15 for us both) for 30 mins of fun. I booked and paid online because it was my suggestion and I wanted to do it. It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

I can see why you were upset about this ^^

Yeah is definitely coming across as tight now!
Sorry that you like him so much but in another few dates you will start to go off him if he carries on doing this.

Okay, thanks for everyone's comments. Confession - this is a flipped post. Everything I've said is true though. And I really really like her, but I just don't see how it's sustainable going forward.

So, girls - a guy offers to cook you dinner (and home make you your favourite dessert after you told him you liked it) and you're not a big drinker, what do you bring to show your appreciation? Obviously she can't bring me flowers! What should I have expected?

Does the situation yesterday with the cokes after the activity still stand? Should I have expected her to offer to pay for them given I paid for the activity?

I'm really torn. It feels so so shallow to dump her because she can't afford to buy me a coke, but.....

I was prepared to defend him up until the bit about not even offering to buy you a coke after the activity you'd paid for. That smacks of tightness rather than poverty. I don't believe that he can be that skint.

If you like him then i think you need to challenge him on this.

I think the coke incident would end it for me op. So sorry but I couldn't deal with that and I don't see why you should. That's not just mean, it's plain rude ffs! I'd tell him you are ending it and move on. No need for long explanations. If he hasn't "got it" by now, he never will.

We don't know his personal circumstances, we have not a lot of idea where his money goes do we?.

We can assume, but assumption is the mother of all cock ups and wrong doings. In no real order but

I've had this a woman i went out with three years ago. Never ever put her hand in her purse over 7 dates allways me paid but then again she was from, ah! can't say that can we but known to be a bit tight with their moeny moi boi;!

I usually pay for the date espicvaly didner before the bill turns up suppose i shouldnt but if she may be shocked by that then you give the waiting staff a nice tip:)

But back this this man, if he is gen poor or hard up but OK as he seems to be for a change a man on this board who isnt an absolute abusive barsteward. I wonder if you can find out what happened to his previous relationship at all or start steering the conversation around to mony as it sure can cause a lot of greif between partners.

Its a pity that you couldnt work out a how could we afford to live if we were together but perhaps not the best thing right now. However don't do what I did! bene seeing a lovely lady, single mum works Bloody hard has to travel a Lot around the country her DD is 10 years old and a very talented girl shes got as best i can make out a scholarship but is on a boarding school that costs two arms and three legs so she has to generate a fair old whack.

Muggins here sent her a mail saying come and live with me its effectivly free here and your DD could become a day pupil and I wouldnt mind collecting her from school so you can see her every day ya-da-da ..

Perhaps that was a bit early in in the relationship but no lasting harm was done she is standing on her own etc and does offer to pay when we go out but I like her a lot and don't mind spoiling her:)

Perhaps go on a bit more but try to find out if he is just poor or tight there is a differnce of course.

Hope it does work out sounds like a decent man for a change here;!

I dont think this one has legs by the sounds of it! Many people say they have no disposable income ,but surely a sound maintenance payment would have some kind of wriggle room surely? Is he spending all his money on DC when they come over as a Disney Dad do you think.This is commendable but not really acceptable in the long run .I would think hard .No one wants to be in a position where they are paying for everything!

@IveGot3kids my opinion still stands. He/she...whatever. This person is taking the piss.

I would perhaps keep him as a friend. Otherwise sometime in the future you could find yourself footing the bill for eg a meal/holiday/big enough vehicle for 2 adults and 5 children - because he will not want his to miss out.