Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
StephenPenny · 10/02/2020 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cantuccit · 10/02/2020 14:36

Well this thread seems to have been derailed and gone very strange.

memberofseven · 10/02/2020 14:41

What are you talking about ontheblackhill. Insane. When op was a woman earning more the other persons behaviour was cocklodging but once we knew it was a man it's down to inequality in wages. Ffs. Go out and earn your own money. You don't speak for me. And for what it's worth my mother taught me as a teenager never to expect others and particularly men to pay for me so I wouldn't be indebted to them. It's good advice.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 14:45

@memberofseven

Indeed. To sum up - woman expects the man to pay, and then moans about inequality Hmm

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 14:47

AhNowTed , it certainly is in my friendship group and my now husband certainly expected to even though he was broke. When I was growing up boys paid for dates until you were exclusive and they wanted to. I would love a completely equal world with no difference between the sex's but we dont live in one!

Then be the change you want to see, @Ontheblackhill, & stop expecting men to pay for you.

You can't moan about the world being sexist, & then parade your own sexist behaviour.

PS I am pushing 60, & in my youth, as now in my dotage, never felt it was necessary for a man to pay my way. Stop making excuses.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2020 14:50

So she's planned a date and there's a cost involved to it. I'd say that if it ends up with her expecting you to pay, that tells you all you need to know. And TBH if you get there and she looks at you expectantly when it comes to putting the money down, I'd say "Sorry, I thought you were paying as you suggested it. I'm a bit skint this week and haven't got the funds".

I've had lean times (who hasn't?). And during the lean times a 'date' might be a bowl of popcorn in front of a movie on the telly. Just about anyone can afford that and at least it shows the person is putting forth some sort of effort.

AndThenThereWereSeven · 10/02/2020 14:51

Why so many deletions? Hmm. Has OP been throwing toys out of the pram as we gals aren't saying nice things?

MadCattery · 10/02/2020 14:51

DH had no disposable income at first but was very generous with his gift of fixing things! Generous with anything he had to give, really. Cleaning, mowing, painting. He has a better income now and is as generous. He was the best investment I ever made!

Tattooedmama · 10/02/2020 14:52

I would see how this next date goes, if shes asked you somewhere then she should be paying considering you have paid all the rest.
If i was dating a man i would bring something weather its chocolates, or baking a cake (most people have basic ingredients in already for a sponge cake) even tesco sell cake mix for less than £1 and if she drove a 30 mile round trip for lunch, she isnt that short on money if she has the fuel to do it.

Ontheblackhill · 10/02/2020 14:53

I am quite capable of earning my own money. I earned double my husbands wage. Poor women. Banging on about how they can do it all so actually end up doing it all. Men must be having a bloody field day out there !! Women paying for everything, doing most of the housework, raising the children, have a dazzling career ( paid less than men) , suffering DV, and colluding in their own erasure. What the fuck do men do??? Whats the point in them? You might as well date yourself, you would get more out of it. No wonder there are so many cocklodgers out there who cant even pay for a couple of dinners when you first meet without moaning its not fair!!!!

Hagbeth · 10/02/2020 14:53

If I was asked out for a meal I would expect the man to pay but I would bring stuff and help cook at home if that makes sense? I have never paid for a meal out on a date, ever.

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 14:54

Christ this thread just shows that there are some batshit crazy people on mumsnet who are quite angry at the world!!!

Insideimsprinting · 10/02/2020 14:54

I've not long since had a very odd personal message from epilepticfridgeboy. Returned to thread to try and figure out what it was supposed to mean and all their posts are deleted. I have therefore reported the message to me also.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/02/2020 14:55

OP... One of my mates did online dating, met a guy who sounds a bit like yours and she bank-rolled him for a little while then dumped him. He then dated somebody else in our circle and lo and behold... he did have some money available because our mutual friend wasn't as solvent.

I think if you feel that it's wrong, then it is. It's ringing alarm bells for you because they're there.

Ulvie · 10/02/2020 14:56

@madcattery

Yes, my DP does all that stuff, along with lifting things. He's saved me a fortune in handy man fees.

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 14:56

Why are some people saying the OP has a “dinosaur” attitude?

I did. Because he referred to PP as 'girls' rather than women, or just PP and because he asked if women trap men or guilt them into relationships. Oh, and assumed women can't buy men flowers, 'obviously'. It's all rather old fashioned.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/02/2020 14:58

Seen it's a reverse. It changes nothing material in my post. Same for men as for women - pay your way. It matters.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/02/2020 14:59

I am quite capable of earning my own money. I earned double my husbands wage. Poor women. Banging on about how they can do it all so actually end up doing it all. Men must be having a bloody field day out there !! Women paying for everything, doing most of the housework, raising the children, have a dazzling career ( paid less than men) , suffering DV, and colluding in their own erasure. What the fuck do men do??? Whats the point in them? You might as well date yourself, you would get more out of it. No wonder there are so many cocklodgers out there who cant even pay for a couple of dinners when you first meet without moaning its not fair!!!!

Having a bad day, are we? Calm the fuck down!

77seven · 10/02/2020 15:04

What’s going on in this thread with all the deletions?

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 10/02/2020 15:05

What’s going on in this thread with all the deletions?

It’s mad innit? I’ve never seen so many and I most post on the Feminism board 😂

SavageBeauty73 · 10/02/2020 15:12

She sounds tight. No matter how skint I was, I would turn up with a bottle of wine etc. To not offer to buy the cokes is rude.

I'm dating. I always order to go halves and always get my round in 🤷‍♀️

I had a date on Thursday and he picked the restaurant and although I offered to go halves he refused. He said I was the first date that offered.

LazJaz · 10/02/2020 15:18

It’s about your values and what a good life looks like for you OP - until you know what you value most, you will not be sure what to do, and none of us can tell you what you “should” do either - “should” doesn’t come into it.
Don’t feel shallow if you like having money and socialising. Lots of ppl are quick to judge, but nothing wrong with it at all. Your life - you define what is good. “Abundance” is a very important value for me too!

Ijustwanttoretire · 10/02/2020 15:21

OK, so I get what you are saying to a degree, but the fact that he works and so isn't a benefit scrounger, and obviously spends money on his children, if you really like him I think that is sad that you are thinking ending it. But if he won the lottery next week you'd go back with him? Perhaps he's had a lucky escape. I'm really glad my DH of donkey's years didn't think like that when we met - as we were in the opposite position.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 15:24

Some real aggression to thr op being shown on this thread, and some anger too, I'm guessing the reverse caught them out and if this was known to be a man and woman versus woman and man, these posters answers would have been different, and now they are pissed.

I also understand the reason for the reverse although in an ideal world it wouldn't have been necessary, the anger some posters are displaying about the gender issue says it was.

As I said on my first post on this thread, gender is irrelevant. The core issue remains the same. The fact it's so important to some posters and angers them speaks volumes.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/02/2020 15:24

Am confused now as I've been mentioned by name by 3 people, and their posts have since been deleted. Don't think I said anything controversial....