Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

Wouldn't bother me if it was genuine, if, however it was down to laziness and expecting others to always pick up the tab then it would.
So I think yabu unless there is evidence to suggest its not genuine circumstances. Holidays and socialising out are hardly essential to happiness, they are nice dont get me wrong but you can be happy with the simple things in life I mean some people dont have a choice.

Give the guy a chance and you may surprise yourself and find you dont need to always go out, go on holiday etc to enjoy yourself, socialise and be happy. I manage it well Id like to match what others do and can afford sometimes but I certainly dont feel like im missing out, still happy with my life.

AhNowTed , it certainly is in my friendship group and my now husband certainly expected to even though he was broke. When I was growing up boys paid for dates until you were exclusive and they wanted to. I would love a completely equal world with no difference between the sex's but we dont live in one!

Oooooh OP is a man! I get it now!

STILL NOT OK!!!

OP - there's another issue other than the 'who pays' thing - he doesn't like to socialise, you do. He doesn't suggest going out for meals and is obviously happy to be at home, you do.

If you do end up in a relationship with him that involves living together and pooling finances, do you realise he's probably not going to want to go out socialising, for a lunch on a weekend your child-free etc.

The bigger issue is the lack of interests in doing stuff, not just in how to pay for it.

There was a thread a while back from a woman who's DH didn't like to socalise, other than with 2/3 old school/uni friends. They'd moved to a different part of the country, and now at a stage where people were socalising as couples, rather than her going out with her friends and him with his - it was limiting her social life as well. other Posters on here were saying "well you knew he didn't like to socalise, why did you marry him if it was important to you?" - the OP kept repeating that when they were young and she had lots of single friends, it didn't matter, but now with DCs and everyone in couples, it did.

Tread very carefully. It's a lot easier to make a relationship work long term with one partner who earns less than to make a relationship work with a couple who have different attitudes to spending and socialising.

I missed the bit about it being a reverse, I just read the first page and thought it sounded similar to mine and DPs situation when we first met. By that I mean a disparity in income, not him being tight or ill mannered.

Our first dates were drinks at a local pub (we took it in turns to buy a round, so we bought 4 alcoholic drinks each). A walk around a local park and then a couple of soft drinks, we bought a round each (we had both driven there). An evening visit to a gallery followed by hot chocolate which he paid for. Cinema - I had a voucher that needed using up. Dinner at mine (he was living in a shared house), he brought a homemade curry and I provided the alcohol.

Dating doesn't have to be expensive. I'd actually be a bit dubious if a man invited me out somewhere expensive on one of the first few dates, I'd think it was a bit flashy. Dating can just be a coffee and a walk, so yes poor people can date too.

I do however think she (or he, when I first read it) is ill mannered for not contributing. Offering to buy a couple of soft drinks or bringing a bottle of wine from Aldi doesn't break the bank. Let's see what happens on the next date. If she doesn't pay for anything, then she's taking the piss. Some women do just do OLD for a few free nights out (I work with a girl who does this).

Did you miss the bit where I said , when I was growing up?

She seems to have got it into her head that the guy pays for everything. I had a friend like that and she was very careful not to go out with anyone who wasn't on a good salary.

At this point you are friends, really - it's not how friends should treat each other, is it?

I think a lot of people who don't have much money wouldn't want to pay for a meal out - it can end up costing as much as a week's food. But there was no reason for her not to buy the Cokes, to buy you a bottle of wine for cooking, etc.

I certainly wouldn't go on holiday with her - it'll be much harder to dump her afterwards.

I was once dumped by a younger man who said he didn't think he earned enough to keep up with my lifestyle (I like lots of holidays). Also, when I met my (now) husband he definitely had less money than me as he was just going through his divorce and trying to buy a house etc. Regardless of that he still paid his way/brought wine & flowers etc if I was cooking for him. Now that we've moved in together our incomes are fairly equal.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is a) I think it makes for an easier relationship if both parties have similar disposable income, and b) there should be absolutely no expectation on a man to pay for everything or vice versa - I have always been keen to pay my share and not rely on a man for anything.

Ha, before I realised it was a reverse, I was about to challenge you to think that he may still be a victim of the things that usually apply to women. 1. Low paid work 2. Not claiming CM from child's other parent 3. not able to work FT due to childcare.

These things are real and more often apply to women than men. it's not just sexist attitudes at play here.

Op just seen you’ve flipped your thread and that she didn’t even offer to get the cokes - why don’t you suggest a few cost free dates - see if she still keeps coming to see you just to spend time with you .

Not having enough money might be making her really uncomfortable . She also might be thinking you’re a bit old fashioned and like to pay.

Oh no OP. Relationships have to be fair to an extent, especially in the early days.

To not even buy you a coke? No. My ex was tighter than a ducks arse and it wore me down so much. Get out now. It's nice to do nice things sometimes, but if you have to fund her in this way, it'll stop being nice before long