Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

I can’t see how it’ll get better - a blended family of 5 kids is a lot of expenses over the years, you’d have to have more goodwill in the tank than seems to be there to make it work but perhaps you’re right to give it a few more dates to see.

Regardless of the sex, dump them. This bit is supposed to be awesome, and she’s selfish.

To the poster asking what he's doing online dating when he can't afford to go out........ poor people are allowed to find love too!! Not every date has to cost a lot of money.

Oh ffs this has been gone into repeatedly by various posters. YOU CONTRIBUTE WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD. You buy the cokes or coffees, suggest free or low cost dates, cook or bake something, no one is saying poor people aren't allowed to find love - but freeloading isn't a sign of someone looking for love.

I think the idea of men paying for women is rather old-fashioned. Personally, I wouldn't want a man to pay for me all the time. If she always expects it, it might tell you something about how she sees male/female roles in a relationship. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who thought like this, I guess you need to think about if you are?

You come across as quite "old fashioned' in your posts - this may not be the case in real life but all I have to go on is what you've said here. Maybe she thinks that because you're an old fashioned sort of man that you want to pay for the dinners and drinks. This is how some people are.

The turning up empty handed for dinner thing... I have no explanation for that. She was just being extremely rude and thoughtless. Surely you'd just feel very embarrassed about doing that?! Even if she's well and truly broke, she could have brought something. Anything. I would be quite hurt by this if I were you, OP.

The only real reason I've ever seen people genuinely give different advice on stuff like this depending on sex is because they assume that a man won't have his kids actually living with him - which changes absolutely everything - finances, free time, priorities - everything.

I was just scrolling down, still thinking you were female, and I came across the post where you said 'And I pay CM to the kids' dad' - and everything I had assumed flipped round - and my next post was poised to be - 'Woah, wait, hang on, you may be female but you don't have your kids living with you and he does? Well that explains it silly! No he doesn't have a social life like you do. No, you may pay CM but yes 100% you will have much much more disposable income and freedom to plan a social life and a mentality that assumes a social life... because you do not have resident children.'

So, as above. That stands.

Anyway, now she has arranged a date? That's great. See how it goes. If she doesn't treat you for this one, then yes walk away. If it goes well, you'll be at the stage where you can maybe set out some expectations.

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but I have been online dating for a while and it seems there are a lot of men in his situation, mainly because they are laying a large part of their earnings to support children or have dept from divorce.

It’s hard this time of year as there are not many places to go on a date other than eating/drinking and the cinema and these things all cost money but in the summer there are many things you can do that don’t cost the earth, you can go for a walk, take a picnic, visit local landmarks etc..

For me the money would not be an issue, I could find things to do that doesn’t involve me paying for food. If you really like him then money should not be an issue as such but it sounds like he may lead a different life style to you? He doesn’t socialise as much as you do? This could be an issue. I’m more like him, I don’t go out much, I don’t drink but enjoy the odd meal out. I would be happy to date someone like him because I lead a similar life style.

Maybe she isn't that into you. If your dance card lined up with other 50/50 women, then see them.
Maybe she's seeing other guys and hasn't decided yet. Women have no shortage of men who want to date them.

Possible that she isn't that into him and seeing other people. Low earning single mothers aren't high on the list for a relationship though - few dates and a shag maybe, long term relationship no. Most men don't want to pay for another man's child.

Why are some people saying the OP has a “dinosaur” attitude?

Where does that come from?

If he was a dinosaur he’d be offended if she did offer to pay and calling her an upstart or something.

I think he has an inkling she’s a bit tight and is sounding things out.

I’m glad she’s taken the initiative now to plan a date OP.

Lovemusic33 OP has said it's a reverse.

So OP is a man?? Good God! I'm sorry but we still live in a society where men earn 20% more than women in the same job so it is relevant that you are a man. Most women's expectations are that they are wooed by a man.I wouldn't think anything of letting the man pay for the first few dates while I was trying to suss him out. This is normal. Just like most men are perfectly happy to sleep with a woman and never call her again as they got what they want or leave her holding the baby and pay minimal child support. There are differences between the sex's and we live in a sexist society. If you are only counting pennies and not trying to win her over then you are really not that into her . With the right woman any man would usually be concerned about making the best impression not worrying about whether she brought a bottle of wine. You need to end this as you are clearly not that into her.

Once you paid for 2 dinners the onus was on him ....he could and should have cooked for you or paid for takeaway

OP “ It feels so so shallow to dump her because she can't afford to buy me a coke, but.....”

My first comment still stands, I dont care what the sexes are. If it doesn’t suit you, don’t date her.

@FizzyGreenWater

Just for the record, even if the kids lived with me 6 nights a week, technically I'd still need to pay my ex CM.

I'm not sure it really does change anything, who the RP is, because this isn't about her not having time to see me, or me complaining she isn't going halves on a 100 quid meal, it's about token gestures in the early stages of a relationship.

@ontheblackhill

"Most women's expectations are that they are wooed by a man.I wouldn't think anything of letting the man pay for the first few dates while I was trying to suss him out. This is normal."

No it most certainly is not normal! Bloody hell I despair.

I met an absolutely divine, debonnair young stud called Archie who, despite being of dubious ethnic orgin, proved to be a real stealth bomber in the bedroom

what ethnicities are of dubious origin? Pretty offensive.

If I told my 21 year old daughter to sit there like a dummy and let the man pay she'd think I was NUTS.

Some very outmoded ideas on here.

Just waiting for the "it's gentlemanly" brigade to wade in.

Could you not say something like, ‘your turn to choose what we do on our next date, I feel like I’ve been monopolising what we do’, and then see if she comes up with a nice idea and offers to pay??
I’d find it pretty difficult to question the morals of a nurse who, you know, works ridiculous long, stressful hours for a shitty wage to be honest! I think it may be because you’ve suggested the activities she may have assumed you would pay for them but do agree that offering to pay for something at this point should have come up. Only other thing I thought of is when you made dinner for her did she have to pay for a babysitter/cab home etc, that could add up?

If he's lovely, caring, a great father and somebody who you are falling for then why would money matter? Have date nights at home.