Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

When my DH and I met, he was - unknown to me when we were introduced - extremely skint. He lived very much hand to mouth (literally walking to the local Aldi a few minutes before closing to stock up whenhe had cash, and not eating on days when he didn't have money). We started dating in July so it was slightly different as the weather was nice, but I never really realised he was skint. He'd suggest things like walks to local beauty spots, free art galleries / museums / cultural events. I think he did once pay for a meal out at Zizzi with a gift voucher he got for his birthday. If we went to the cinema he would suggest Wednesday night for Orange Wednesdays so it was only about £5 each and a rare treat. However it never felt like he was being cheap or tight because it was fun, he always emailed/ phoned when he said he would, he made me laugh. Additionally, when it became apparent how we felt about each other, he got his act together and worked more hours so we could plan for a future together. With all the other complications and bills your girlfriend has, it's perhaps unlikely she'll be able to do this.

We didn't have any additional baggage and our financial situation has evolved together. With 5 existing DC between you and no prospect of things changing, I think you might be better to keep it casual or cut your losses.

@Lockshunkugel

Thank you.

Well, she's just planned a date for us - and it's not free either (I am presuming she'll be paying - let's see!)....

As quite a few have said, I'm going to give it a few more dates and see how it goes. If the theme continues, I think I'll have to call it quits.

Thanks for all the help and support.

I think she's too nice for you.

My advice stands, @IveGot3kids. This one's a net taker. Anybody decent, male or female, would be just fucking embarrassed to be paid for all the time, lack of money or not.

Or as @messolini9 put it:

But "s/he can buy my dinner, & I won't even buy her/him a coke" is just using. And a revolting spectacle from either gender.

This is gross. If you don't feel able to discuss it with him/her/whatever then that is an issue. You obviously see it as a problem and choose to do a weird covert post on Mumsnet instead of just talking about it with them. Lay out your dating-behaviour-code and stop being so judgemental of someone you supposedly really like

t's quite possible that this woman is just after your money. It's also possible that, given the attitudes you display here, she's assumed you're a dinosaur bit old-fashioned, and want to pay for everything.

Yes and she deserves the chance to defend herself before you just bin her off. Like I said before she could be paying off a lot of debt from her previous relationship. She might have needed to replace her car recently and it's cleared her out etc etc. She might be saving up for a really expensive date for you both now she knows she's serious about you.

I ticked that YABU but only because I don't think you should be paying for all your dates. Nurses aren't that poorly paid.

Op I'm a woman. I wouldn't dream of not offering. Ever. To not even offer or at the very least take turns smacks of advantage taking. If you can't afford something don't go. Simple.

I was the woman in this scenario when I called time on my last dating relationship after 6 months.
I'm also a single parent and realised that I just couldn't afford to date. He suggested upfront that we'd take it in turns to pay which I was happy to agree to. However, he was childless, had no mortgage and earned double my salary so lots of disposable income.
He was fun and very sociable but always wanted to do expensive things, weekends away for festivals, London Theatre that kind of thing. He just didn't get that I couldn't keep up and sometimes couldn't afford the petrol to drive somewhere because I'd paid out for something expensive.
I spoke to him about it 2 or 3 times and he always agreed to calm it down but never did. I had to make the decision to split in the end.
My purse is much better off for it.

Gosh, maybe I’m old-fashioned but when I met dh he paid for everything (he’s a high earner and I wasn’t making much at the time). I would offer to pay for drinks etc but he rarely took me up on it.

I think you sound mean-spirited Op - you say you really really like this woman (enough to take her away with your kids) but are considering dumping her because she doesn’t earn much and didn’t offer to pay for some cokes!?
Do her a favour and let her go - you sound like a miserable, prissy git. (Seriously - my dh would NEVER post anything on mumsnet, especially surrounding money - so crass).

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

you say you really really like this woman (enough to take her away with your kids) but are considering dumping her because she doesn’t earn much and didn’t offer to pay for some cokes!?

In short, yes. I am seriously questioning if I want to potentially devote the rest of my life to someone who lacks those sorts of qualities. How is that a bad thing to consider?

@IveGot3kids

"maybe I’m old-fashioned"

Yes you are!

Those attitudes have no place in 2020.

This is a tough one. I dated a guy who likes the finer things in life and showed little regard for the fact I didn’t have the same amount of disposable income as him. He’d think nothing of ordering a £40 steak when I said it was my treat and in the end, I got into a tonne of debt trying to keep up. I very much wanted to take my turn because I’d have hated to come across as tight but equally, as a single parent, I just couldn’t afford it.

Not offering to pay for a coke/ coffee/ lunch though is just weird. I’d be annoyed too.

Sorry that comment was for @ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

I completely disagree with you, can’t stand cocklodger and fannylodgers. Pay your fucking way people!

My dates with now dp went:

Dinner - he invited me, he paid though I did offer. I paid the tip.
Afternoon tea for my birthday - he paid.
Theatre - he bought the tickets, I bought dinner.
Dinner at his - I brought a bottle of wine, a bunch of flowers and some asparagus. The latter two from the local farm shop.

He's retired but well off, I earn a decent amount. We more or less split half each still. I get annoyed if he keeps trying to pay more.

Yes you can bring men flowers. Dp was thrilled.

Lack income wouldn't bother me. Lack of ability to plan and budget would.

Back in my dating days, I went out with a guy who was staying with his brother. He was a self employed electrician with plenty of work by the sounds of things. He let me pay for tea and cakes on the 1st date, didn't try to pay, ok. Second date, we went to the zoo. He physically took a step back as we reached the counter, so I had to pay. Walked around for an hour, I just wanted to push him in the lion enclosure. Then he said "I'll get lunch though. You must let me pay." Ok.

He bought a stale sandwich from the cafe for us to go halves on. Not even a drink.

Then we got to the end of the ordeal, finally, or so I thought.

"What do you want to do next then?"

I had steam coming out of my nostrils by this point.

Some men are genuinely tight. If they can avoid paying for anything, they will. I don't mind paying my way and treating other people, but I'll be buggered if I'll pick up the tab every time.

I think PP had the best idea. Let him choose h venue next time, and don't make any effort to pay.

@BilboBercow

Don't forget that if you are a lone parent on a low income, the government will top up your income substantially, if you are the resident parent. There is no help for non resident lone parents (or those without children). The non resident parent will also probably be paying child maintenance. Looking down on people who can't afford the same social life as you because they don't get in work benefits is unreasonable. You should also remember that those benefits will stop when your children grow up, so you may well be in the same situation as this man.

My DP is in this situation, his ex works 30 hours a week in a minimum wage job. As she is the resident parent, benefits and maintenance mean that her net income is 2k per month (which is equivalent to a gross salary of 30k a year even though her gross salary is actually 12k per year). She has also got a council house due to being the resident parent. Whereas DP got no financial help or help with housing - he was skint when I met him due to having to rent privately and pay maintenance, despite working full time.

OP you need to have an open conversation with him about money and work these things out. DP and I have managed to work things out - I pay for more but that is my choice, DP does help in other ways though. I think the fact that your new BF is a nurse speaks volumes - it's a hard job that doesn't pay enough (not his fault), he's hardly a slacker.

There are loads of free or cheap things to do, especially in the summer - we do a lot of hiking and DP always makes us a really nice picnic to take. We also make sure we buy cinema tickets through Vodafone rewards (£6 each) or stay in and watch a film on Rakuten (no subscription and new films for £4/5). I don't know where you live but museums and galleries are usually free or cheap and many have a late night each week. Don't write him off, I love my DP to bits and we have managed to work things out.

I've only read the first page, but just on the flip side, when I met my DP, he was earning a shedload more than me, and offering to whisk me off to Paris and all sorts. We are currently in a position where he was made redundant just before Christmas, has only been able to find part-time work, and I'm pretty much paying for all our bills, socialising, groceries etc etc in the interim. Circumstances can change, and if he is a decent guy who you like perhaps it's worth sticking with it.

@Duein2020

Yip, that's just rude. This really isn't about splitting bills/equality, more token gestures.

It's more about the fact she's expecting you to be a walking wallet.
So do what she does, she's invited you out so say thanks very much for the date, much appreciated, I've met too many women who expect equality yet won't put their hand in their pocket.
And see what happens

This is no good. He could cook dinner if he doesn't have money to go out. If he doesn't have cash to go out, he can't go out.

@IveGot3kids

I think you’re completely right. No one should ever come out expecting a free ride. If you can’t afford it, don’t go.

Hopefully if she’s planning the next date, she’ll realise it’s her turn! As awkward as it is, you’ll just have to stand back and let her get on with it.

Would he go out to a pub and ask other men to buy him drinks without reciprocating? I doubt it.

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

Do her a favour and let her go - you sound like a miserable, prissy git. (Seriously - my dh would NEVER post anything on mumsnet, especially surrounding money - so crass).

I think it’s crass letting a man pay for all dates. Where’s the self-respect?