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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
Yogawoogie · 10/02/2020 12:54

@IveGot3kids no you’re not a bad person for expecting something back. Talk to her, if she’s worth it she will understand. Not having spare cash doesn’t stop me from living, I just live within my means. If I really wanted I could apply for better paid jobs. My now husband was very understanding when we got together. It didn’t stop us doing things. If anything we became more imaginative about what we did. I think it helped our relationship! I would never have turned up empty handed to a dinner though! That’s just rude.

I think the reverse was clever because it would have affected how people answer. Men on mn don’t get an easy ride especially when it comes to money and an equal relationship. Why should the man have to pay for everything?

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 12:54

I just think she doesn't have the money, and that's my original question - am I a bad person for considering her being able to buy me a coke a reasonable expectation?

Then you are asking the wrong question OP.
Your question should be:
"What is a person who cannot afford to buy 2 cokes doing on dating website, as they clearly can't afford to date?"

Now, had she been creative & caring & suggested indoor picnics or walks or museum visits, & had she brought a tiny token to yours when you cooked, I'd be feeling - quite rightly - that love does not depend on money, & everyone has a right to seek human connection regardless of spending power.

But she hasn't, & here's the rub - despite your reverse - my cocklodger comment stands.
She hasn't shown you an ounce of genuine consideration, & that is way, way, more important than her earning power. So ask yourself again - what was she doing on that website? Looking for love, or looking for money?
She hasn't treated you with the type of caring, thoughtful gestures that don't need money.
If she had, you could make this thing work - because she would be actively seeking to ameliorate the cash question by ensuring she suggested fun dates on the cheap, that she cooked you FFS even a lentil bake at her house, that she saved back a fiver so she could at least make the gesture of buying you a soft drink.

She hasn't, & unless she does so off her own bat next date, you have to wonder why she's so comfortable with seeing you put your hand in your pocket without instigating an honest conversation with you about it.

77seven · 10/02/2020 12:55

OP, I think all you can do here, in this scenario, is give it a few more dates. Maybe three or four more. If she really makes no effort whatsoever... then curtains.

She could easily cook dinner for you, for instance. It’s effort / behaviour patterns that count, not money.

I think you’ve had quite unanimous feedback on here, despite the reverse.

Be careful you don’t end up with someone who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 12:55

I think a lot of us have assumed the op is Male, but what difference does it make if it is a man or a woman?

Waveysnail · 10/02/2020 12:56

Hmmm may be shes the type of person to be owned and dined and expect oh to pay for everything. If you really like her then my advice still stands. Lay it on the table that you cant afford to pay for everything and what's her budget for activities? You may be in very different life places at the moment and not compatible

KC225 · 10/02/2020 12:57

You don't take a bottle to someone's house only to scoff yourself. I loathe wine, but always take bottle if I am invited to someone's house . I also take nice soft/non alcoholic drinks for me too. You can get something nice for 2-3 quid. To turn up empty handed is rude.

When I was a student a broke date one turned up with cheap bottle and a tin of gourmet cat food with a bow on it and a packet of dreamies as I told him I was feeding a stray in the garden. It really is the thought that counts.

Maybe you should give her another chance. But be clearer about what you expect - if you book an activity, say 'I've booked for the activity online, you can get the cokes'. It's old fashioned I know but maybe she is caught up in the 'ohhh I'm wined and dined' or maybe she is tight. I think the suggestion of her planning a date is a good one.

Good luck OP

MrsEricBana · 10/02/2020 12:58

Regardless of the reverse, she's being tight BUT if you really like her just speak to her about it.

Lockshunkugel · 10/02/2020 12:59

@IveGot3kids it’s much too soon to start introducing your kids or planning weekends away. Whether it’s this woman or any future date, wait until you’ve been seeing each other 3-6 months.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 13:00

I think the difference in values is enough if a reason to split, as someone who doesn't have good manners is also like to be selfish in other ways.

Succinct & excellent point @Noconceptofnormal :)

77seven · 10/02/2020 13:01

“When I was a student a broke date one turned up with cheap bottle and a tin of gourmet cat food with a bow on it and a packet of dreamies as I told him I was feeding a stray in the garden.”

Grin Brilliant! And also shows he’s listened to you and loves animals. Grin

RantyAnty · 10/02/2020 13:01

Didn't care for the reverse, the girls comment, nor the men can't get flowers. So much for equality.

Does she have to pay for childcare to see you?

Maybe she isn't that into you. If your dance card lined up with other 50/50 women, then see them.
Maybe she's seeing other guys and hasn't decided yet. Women have no shortage of men who want to date them.

If you don't like how things are going, just don't date her anymore.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 13:02

@Lockshunkugel

Thanks for the advice. I've various friends (both male and female) as I said previously who have seemed to introduce their kids very quickly so I sort of presumed it was the norm when you're dating in your late 30's etc. I'll definitely take your advice though, kids are obviously the most important part of this.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 10/02/2020 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jaxhog · 10/02/2020 13:04

With gender stereotypes still prevalent, I understand why you reversed. I am now even more surprised that she hasn't even offered to cook a meal for you though. I suspect you're her 'Mr OK for now', not a long term prospect. Sorry.

Cosmos45 · 10/02/2020 13:05

@messolini9 - you are absolutely right. I did update my post to the OP, admittedly I had not read the thread so dived in with my comment about money without realising the context the OP was posting (i.e not offering to pay etc).

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 13:05

@RantyAnty

I actually like flowers, my comment was more that I didn't think women would generally buy men flowers? I guess I'm wrong.

No, she does not pay for childcare, she sees me when the kids are with their dad or her family seem quite involved in childcare.

I think she really is into me, she has (supposedly) told her kids about me, maybe that's a red flag in itself? Don't shoot me for this, but do women do things like that to make the man feel trapped / more guilty about ending a relationship/dating?

OP posts:
Somerville · 10/02/2020 13:07

Don't shoot me for this, but do women do things like that to make the man feel trapped / more guilty about ending a relationship/dating?

Hmm Hmm
Yes women are a homogenous mass and always do things like that to trap you, diddums.

I'm out.

dottiedodah · 10/02/2020 13:08

Okay I missed the reverse, but I still think she is out of order here! Many women seem to like DP paying for everything ,without seeing how this puts them on the "back foot" so to speak . To turn up anywhere for meals etc without some wine or a dessert is purely bad manners ! Also in many circles it was not seen as the "done thing " to accept too many presents from men in the 18th/19th Century ! Basically you are "paying for her " .As she must earn a reasonable wage as a Nurse then I cant see how she cant contribute some cokes or a hamburger when out! I would think about whether you want a relationship with someone like this .Maybe just say to her lightheartedly "Im going to be broke soon,maybe next date on you ?" and see how she reacts !

ittakes2 · 10/02/2020 13:10

Please move on. You would come to resent him. My very first boyfriend was slightly older than me and we were both at uni but he never seemed to have money so I paid for everything. Chewed through my savings. When he finished his degree he announced to me he was going travelling and part of that was going to see his female pen pal that he had feelings for for years so we needed to break up.
So all the time I was paying for him he was saving for his trip.
On a positive note, after month with her he realised that this relationship he had fantasised about with her was all in his head because in real life they were not compatible. Tried to come crawling back but I had learnt my lesson and will never pay for everything again.

Sparkle567 · 10/02/2020 13:10

She is tight.

To not even offer to buy 2 cokes is beyond shit! I’d be totally embarrassed stood there not even offering to pay for them.

She knows YOU drink also so she could of brought you a bottle of wine when you cooked for her or even sent a message before asking is there anything you need she could pick up at the shop.

Even a cheap bottle of wine (which may not be to your taste) would of showed some effort on her part.

Iv been on 2 dates recently. Date 1 - he picked the place (A nice place as well). He paid but I offered.

Date 2 - He paid for the main event but mentioned bringing snacks. I asked him what he likes and he names a few things. I picked them all up & took them.

Date 3 is Wednesday - Iv paid this time as its already booked which I did.

To go 5-6 dates and to only pay for 1 coffee is a cheek.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 13:12

Thank you @Cosmos45 how sweet of you to say so, & if I barked at you in misapprehenson I am also sorry.
& here - Flowers whether you are a girl or a boy Grin

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 10/02/2020 13:14

I’ve bought my chap flowers. No biggie.

However, any early doors relationship with an issue that necessitates making a post about it on an anonymous website isn’t working.

Set this lovely woman free to meet someone who doesn’t mind her being unable to contribute.
Find yourself someone with more disposable income.

Thegreymethod · 10/02/2020 13:17

How much do you like him? Imagine if he turned out to be the man of your dreams and you gave it up because he isn't in a great financial position right now, it's not like you're saying he's got no job and is asking you to take him to fancy places constantly. If you really like him I would go for it.
To the poster asking what he's doing online dating when he can't afford to go out........ poor people are allowed to find love too!! Not every date has to cost a lot of money.

Lockshunkugel · 10/02/2020 13:23

@IveGot3kids you’re getting a bit of a bashing now about the reverse but I understand why you did this.

I’ve been through a divorce with young children and am now in a happy second marriage to a divorced man after dating for many years (my mum said I was too picky) Smile. The best chance of success is taking lots of time to get to know each other properly and not rushing into anything. Children need a long time to adjust to new partners and being a stepfamily can be very tricky to negotiate. Don’t ignore red flags in any new potential partner because you like them so much.

Good luck!

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 13:23

Don't shoot me for this, but do women do things like that to make the man feel trapped / more guilty about ending a relationship/dating?

I wouldn't. I cannot however speak for the other 4 billion or so women on the planet. OP, I'd have a long, hard look at some of your attitudes tbh. It's quite possible that this woman is just after your money. It's also possible that, given the attitudes you display here, she's assumed you're a dinosaur bit old-fashioned, and want to pay for everything. Those two things aren't exclusive - you may be attracting the sort of women who expect you to pay precisely because you're coming across as someone from the 1950s. Or possibly 1850s.