Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

It's really annoying when people post a reverse. It's tricking posters I think.
However, it's actually irrelevant whether he is a she or the other way round. She is taking the piss by not offering to pay for anything at all. Do you want to live like this over a long period of time?

Commenting on some other points which I was about to before you revealed the reverse:

I get the impression he'd be fine to come to my house and snuggle on the sofa all night drinking water. I really don't think he is tight. That's fine as a date, but not as the only type of date.
I think she is tight. Nights in are fine but she could at least make the effort of contributing something - bringing some microwave popcorn (which doesn't cost the earth) or bringing some soft drinks.

We went out yesterday, I booked the activity in advance (it was about £15 for us both) for 30 mins of fun. I booked and paid online because it was my suggestion and I wanted to do it. It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

I think she should have bought the cokes. You've now paid for nearly everything on all of the dates you have had. I think if you do like her you need to have a conversation with her about this. If she is really struggling for money I think she needs to be more open and honest about this.

“RP is resident parent”

There was me thinking it meant “reverse poster.”

Because if she’s a nurse and RP of two young children and works nights

And the OP is a higher earner and not the RP, and perhaps has his children EOW

It rather puts a different aspect on the financial situation. And that’s not even considering whether she gets any support from the father.

Be very careful she sounds like my stepdaughter(she’s also a nurse)😉

I don't think you can put a price on love and money won't buy it

Yeah and back in the real world, 🤣

I also don't understand why being the resident parent is relevant, or why the poster is so desperate to know, it doesn't change anything, you make an effort, be it financially or otherwise, or you explain why you can't even afford a Coke, you don't just sit silently and take.

And agree with a pp there are some women who cling onto the idea that as they are females the man should pay, purely because it suits them to cling onto that.

@Bringringbring

She's RP. I have my kids 3 nights a week, she has hers 5 I think.

So she's the one who barely drinks, not since Christmas and she only drank half a glass of wine when I cooked dinner (which is no a problem at all), and possibly does explain why she didn't bring a bottle, but as a lot of people have said, it seems like the real issue is lack of thought, rather than anything truly financial.

It rather puts a different aspect on the financial situation

That's totally irrelevant, utterly irrelevant, it's not about who has the more money or time. It's about behaviour in relationships

I'm sorry no. You can't pay for everything.

@Bringringbring
No it doesn’t
You can do hundreds of things that involve no money and more than just chillin with Netflix
She just can’t be bothered to make an effort

I don't think the OP is even expecting her to pay 50%, just to make a reasonable contribution, so he doesn't feel like a cash cow

There is no way my pride would let me allow a man I was dating pay for everything. If I was that skint I'd simply rather not date.
I have a close male friend not a boyfriend I see and if we can't afford to go out we both bring things for a meal at home.

I don’t drink wine because it makes me keel over, but I can still comprehend that other people, in fact, do drink it and it’s a standard thing to take to someone’s house.

That's a tricky one. When I met my DH I was a single parent with an ex who stopped contributing toward his DC and left me paying catalogue debts he had accrued on my account and I had to pay the nursery fees myself). I did have my own flat but every penny was accounted for. I met my DH through work and I simply declined any invites which involved paying as I couldn't afford it. He would come to mine and I would cook and he would bring some wine. However most of the time he insisted I come out and he pays. I am fiercely independent and was very uncomfortable with it. Thankfully finances got back on track and we were able to stick together despite my initial empty purse and he does earn a lot more than me I should add.....

Here’s my advice

Don’t insult the people giving you advice (eg I had to lie or you would’ve all called me names)

Don’t call women girls

Women can buy men flowers - I buy my partner flowers

She could’ve bought soft drinks or chocolates if she didn’t want to bring flowers, doesn’t drink and you’d already made dessert

Even though she doesn’t drink she could’ve bought something for you to drink

Don’t make a habit of paying for dates - if you pay for the first date then say I’d love to see you again do you want to plan something for us, I’m free x, y & z. So you pay for dinner, she’s skint so she cooks dinner, you cook her dinner, she prepares a picnic, you take her to the cinema she rents a film and buys popcorn and sweets for a movie night etc

As I said before it’s fine that one person doesn’t have much money as there are plenty of free or cheap dates but it’s not fine that the effort isn’t reciprocated

Okay point taken about the reverse. Maybe it wasn't needed, but I felt I'd just be called names otherwise.

But the advice didn't make sense without knowing your respective sexes. Because it is a lot safer for a man to invite a woman to his for dinner. So a woman, is less likely to invite a bloke she's met online back to hers. I wouldn't - for several months at least.

Add in complications of her being the resident parent who works nights when kids with their dad, then even if she felt safe enough with you to invite you back, there aren't going to be many opportunities when her kids aren't around and she's not working.

When I was dating my now husband, he had a higher disposable income, despite as working in the same field, because I could only work hours around my DC and had a lot more outgoings. We also lived an hour apart. We fell into a pattern of taking it in turns to organise each date - so on his I travelled into London (paying babysitter and train so not a free evening) and he'd take me somewhere great for dinner or buy theatre tickets. On mine he would travel and I organised the kind of things I did with my friends that are cheaper - dog walk and a pint in the pub, a museum, picnic in the park. And later on I'd have him in my house and cook. It meant both of us got insight into each other's lives, as well an neither feeling taken advantage of.

The one time he cooked for me I took flowers (as well as wine) - he didn't own a vase so I also took them home again!

Her not even paying for cokes, let alone coming over empty handed for a meal, makes her seem passive. But if she's spending time and money on childcare and travelling to see you then some would see that as a contribution they're happy with. It wouldn't be my thing as I like to feel equal from the start. Then again I wouldn't date someone who calls a group of grown women 'girls'...

The lack of thought would bother me more than the lack of cash.

"Let's go for a walk along the beach, I'll bake something nice for us to take"

"Let's watch a film together, I'll bring some goodies to share"

"You cooked last time, let me make you something"

I wonder, if you truly like her, if it's worth putting the ball in her court and letting her suggest something. If she wants to spend time with you, there are lots of things to suggest that don't cost money. If she suggests another meal/activity and expects you to pay, walk away.

@Aderyn19

I'd happily pay for every meal, just like if we go for a drink before or something a token effort of "Oh I'll get these drinks". To be honest, I might not even let her pay, but as many have said, this isn't about financial equality, it's about relationship behaviours.

Champagne but that's very different, you still made the effort, you cooked for him etc, and you were clear and declined due to finances.

This woman makes no effort, she just takes and says nothing.

"There is no way my pride would let me allow a man I was dating pay for everything."

This x 100.

OP, now that I've got over the reverse ...

I think it is unfair; I do believe she should be doing/offering more.

Right now, for example, I'm a bit financially strapped after a few unexpectedly large bills. My partner is very well off. (We don't live together.)

I have chosen to cancel a planned holiday because I can't afford it. We are not going out as much. If he pays for dinner, I'll pay for the wine and the tip. If he cooks, I'll bring a bottle of something. I am mindful of not expecting him to do anything simply because he has more disposable income. And when my finances change, we will be able to do more.

@FuckingHateRats Sorry but the OP is dating a man. You kept referring to him as 'she'.

Oops - did I miss something?
has the OP now changed this to a gay relationship????
Or is the OP a man?
God, MN is confusing at times.
what are you on about @IveGot3kids

@Somerville

I've apologised for the girls' comment, I really didn't mean anything negative by it. I'd not be offended if women referred to a group of guys as "boys" so I didn't think anything of it. Lesson learnt :)

The op isn't dating a man,,,

The op isn't dating a man,,,

So is the OP a man or a woman?

Very stupid to insult us by changing the gender as it is relevant.

God, MN is a waste of life at times.