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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

272 replies

coffeecoffeecoffeemore · 10/02/2020 08:20

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over Confused

OP posts:
StuntCroissant · 10/02/2020 15:14

@c

StuntCroissant · 10/02/2020 15:15

@coffeecoffeecoffeemore the brides name doesn't begin with H does it?! I'm going through this EXACT scenario and wondering if we know the same person!!!?

ClementineWardobe · 10/02/2020 15:33

Oh lord, the problem is the entire thing, the whole shebang rolled into one is the problem. The cost, the distance, the location, the timing, the heat, the op's child's birthday, the heat... And the selfish attitude of the bride all together equal a big fat and completely understandabke NO to attending this wedding. Each aspect is compounding the issue. No bloody way I'd go.

And you aren't someone's bridesmaid so they owe you one day. You do it because you love someone, not so you are owed.

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2020 16:00

An overnight local spa break on offer proved much much cheaper than flying to and staying in Italy for a few days

You don’t have to go for a few days. You don’t have to stay in the luxury hotel. You don’t have to fly to the local airport you can get a much cheaper flight to a bigger one and get the high speed train.

A two night stay in Italy in an Airbnb flying by EasyJet won’t be much more than a spa weekend.

That’s why your friend is upset.

Hingeandbracket · 10/02/2020 16:03

Amazed at the number of people who think YABU OP - when did it become a legal requirement to go to other people's ponced-up foreign weddings?

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2020 16:04

Actually, the campsites in Italy are lovely. Most people take campervans and you can rent a nice apartment (with its own toilet and shower) to stay in onsite. They have pools, restaurants etc. It’s very different to camping here in the UK!

You can have a hut or a mobile home if you don’t want a tent. Plus the weather’s nice and it doesn’t rain.

DandyDuchess · 10/02/2020 16:15

@coffeecoffeecoffeemore the brides name doesn't begin with H does it?! I'm going through this EXACT scenario and wondering if we know the same person!!!?

@StuntCroissant maybe you ARE the same person? Grin

Are you also meant to be a bridesmaid and have a baby?

Vulpine · 10/02/2020 16:18

Someone is inviting you to an amazing place for an amazing time and some how she's the 'precious' one.

Vulpine · 10/02/2020 16:21

Mittens - I've lived both rurally and in the city. Doesn't make a difference to me in terms of where i am prepared to travel with or without offspring

Incontinencesucks · 10/02/2020 16:23

Yanbu.

She's had 18 months knowing you can't attend, you told her at 6 months pregnant.

She's trying to blackmail you at the 11th that she can't go through with it without you. Nasty behaviour and i feel sorry for her poor fiance.

You don't live near an airport, neither is the venue near one so add on driving one way plus parking or cabs/car hire to the flight costs.

She wants you to stay at the luxury venue for 3 nights adding more expense.

Very selfish to then demand.

I understand her being disappointed, i had similar with a friend and my wedding was only 1 hour from my house. But you don't have a tantrum and whine, you feel disappointed and may even back away from the friendship.

You certainly dont keep banging on, whining and trying to manipulate a friend. That way leads to being dumped, or it should!

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 16:23

More like someone thinks others should spend their money and use their annual leave to cater to their precious desire to get married at a destination and takes the strop when people can't afford it.

Italy is hot AF in summer, too. Can't imagine roasting alive in a caravan, which is a tin can, really, and pay top whack for the privilege.

And again, the OP may live hours from any airport at all. Not all of us like near big cities that are cheap to fly out of. Maybe she lives on the Isle of Wight or Fort William or Carlisle. Lots of places are not near major airports, adding to expense.

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 16:28

I've lived both rurally and in the city. Doesn't make a difference to me in terms of where i am prepared to travel with or without offspring

That's nice. Must be lovely to not have to stick to a budget where it makes a difference. We live 2.5 hours drive from an airport. It costs quite a bit in fuel to get there. To use public transport, which is limited, it costs about £20 each and can severely restrict the times at which you can travel during the Winter season (Nov.-April) And if we want to leave early in the morning or arrive late at night it can require a hotel stay.

It's entirely possible the OP lives in such a place. And she cannot afford to go!

I'd love the magic money tree that so many MNers have.

katy1213 · 10/02/2020 16:28

If she wanted to have everybody there, then she could have arranged the wedding in her local church or register office. By having it abroad, by definition it's more about location than anything else. Her choice.

Lolacherrycola78 · 10/02/2020 16:33

I can see this from both sides
I do think you are being a bit of a princess and making feeble excuses! I travelled to Italy with a 10month old on my own and it was pretty easy. Italian airports cater for children and a 2 hour flight is doable.
I think your excuses are pretty weak and I would be disappointed.
However I had a destination wedding and realised that asking people to come was a big commitment of time and finance. I was not offended when any guests declined and I think she is being unreasonable in her reaction!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 16:34

Someone is inviting you to an amazing place for an amazing time and some how she's the 'precious' one.

At the OP's expense and with no consideration for her young family.

Drum2018 · 10/02/2020 16:45

Someone is inviting you to an amazing place for an amazing time and some how she's the 'precious' one.

It could be fucking paradise but it still doesn't mean the op can afford to go. It still doesn't mean op wants to traipse to a rural part of Italy, with or without her baby. Unless the bride wants to pay for ops trip then she needs to back off. As for an amazing time - a wedding is a wedding. The only 'amazing' one is likely to be your own.

Oriunda · 10/02/2020 16:47

YANBU re friend’s reaction to pregnancy, YABU calling Italy ‘remote’. There is no remote bit of Italy. The longest flight would be Bari or Brindisi and that’s < 3 hours. I was doing those flights with an 10 week old. There will never be a better, cheaper or easier time to fly with kids than when they’re tiny.

If you just don’t want to go, stop getting involved with wedding planning, as that’s giving her mixed messages, and pull back from friendship.

katy1213 · 10/02/2020 16:51

Also, when did being a bridesmaid become such a big deal? Used to be that you asked a couple of little nieces/friends' daughters who'd enjoy the dressing up and that was it. Adult bridesmaids seem far more trouble than they're worth, judging by Mumsnet!

AutumnRose1 · 10/02/2020 16:51

"Someone is inviting you to an amazing place for an amazing time and some how she's the 'precious' one."

no - someone is pressuring the OP to go to an event that is expensive and problematic for her.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/02/2020 17:10

Expecting people to have to travel abroad and usually give up precious annual leave is a huge ask. If you want to marry abroad either elope or pay the costs of the guests to attend.

I’d have declined from the start. I always think if a couple want you there then they do as central as possible to everyone.

Mittens030869 · 10/02/2020 17:16

I've lived both rurally and in the city. Doesn't make a difference to me in terms of where i am prepared to travel with or without offspring

Yes, I've always been happy to travel anywhere myself, but that's because I've always travelled a lot. Not everyone is like that.

And DH and I didn't travel anywhere by plane with our DDs until they were 9 and 6.

Personally I would have travelled alone very happily when I was single, but now there would be more things to consider, like would it mean that we couldn't go on holiday as a family? That's a difficult decision to make.

Ginfordinner · 10/02/2020 17:23

To those of you still saying that the OP is being unreasonable – what part of she can’t afford it don’t you understand?

Or maybe these posters haven’t bothered to read the OP’s updates Hmm

There are a lot of complete bellends on this thread. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your life has changed and she needs to get over herself

Well said AutumnRose1

As you are such a close friend I think you should be doing more to get there

Are you the bride ConkerGame? THE OP HAS SAID SHE CAN’T AFFORD IT What don’t you understand about this phrase?

Someone is inviting you to an amazing place for an amazing time and somehow she's the 'precious' one

Yes she is Vulpine, because she is being unreasonable upset that the OP CAN’T AFFORD IT

MrsAgassi · 10/02/2020 17:30

She should have just said she couldn’t afford it. That’s perfectly understandable.

If she simply couldn’t afford it there was no need to go into all the different reasons why it would be too difficult to attend. Do that and it looks like you’re finding excuses not to go.

Incontinencesucks · 10/02/2020 17:36

I'd agree on giving one reason MrsAgassi except this bride won't accept the reason and has been whinging on for 18 months. Over that time most people would be giving more excuses in desperation or telling her to fuck off. knows which one she would choose

Minionbums · 10/02/2020 17:42

This thread has absolutely gobsmacked me. OP, I’m so sorry that the morons are out in force today. Yes of course the baby wouldn’t cost much more to the trip, but the OP cannot afford the trip now she’s got a baby - her financial position has changed. It doesn’t matter whether the baby is going or not, she can’t afford it. People have latched onto her anxiety about travelling with the baby and are bullying her - fucking shame on you.

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