To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

MrsAgassi she’d have been jumped on for drip feeding if she hadn’t gone into massive detail.

I think when someone says "I can't afford it" they immediately get pressured to find £150 down the back of sofa, and the fact that the £150 should be used for something important e.g. put aside in case boiler breaks down, gets ignored.

so then they get into territory of providing other reasons.

Actually I think the reasons and the finances are totally valid. But to my mind, none of this is reasonable - no one should be pressuring anyone to attend a wedding when circumstances have changed so much since promises were made.

I missed a wedding once when I was made redundant. One I missed completely because although the groom kindly offered to cover my train fare, it was a weekday wedding and fell on the only day that interviews were being held for another position.

No one was mean about it. I probably needed to find about £70 all in for that, but he said "I'm not having you get extra money worries because of our wedding".

The wedding needs the couple and any officials. That's it. No one is betraying anyone if they can't go. And no one should have to camp in a foreign country with their savings to go!!

@Ginfordinner no I’m not - I just think if you have two years to save to attend your best friend’s wedding, then unless there’s a massive drip feed coming about OP having dire financial circumstances (seems unlikely as otherwise the best friend wouldn’t have thought she could come in the first place) then that’s something you should prioritise. Otherwise don’t be too surprised when she stops investing in the relationship (it sounds like she’s been an excellent friend previously, putting in lots of effort as the OP’s bridesmaid).

I think really what the OP is saying is that her friend is no longer a priority to her. That’s within her right but then she can’t be surprised that her friend is unhappy about that!

No one should ever have to save to attend a wedding. To spend two years saving for someone else’s wedding would be madness. That is never what savings are for.

in terms of time to save - even if you've got 2 years unless you are very very wealthy, there's 100 better uses for that money.

I don't think being a bridesmaid previously makes her an "excellent" friend.

Can’t believe all the people saying 1 year olds are very portable! Mine was newly mobile when turning one and a total nightmare who would not have sat still on a plane for love nor money!

I also would not miss my child’s 1st birthday. I know my child doesn’t know the difference but I do, and I would want to be there.

Finally, bullshit can you go to a destination wedding with easyJet and and Airbnb for the cost of a spa weekend (unless the spa weekend is at Claridges)

To spend two years saving to attend someone else's ceremony that lasts just a day is, as said above, just madness. And what if another foreign wedding is planned by a friend? Perhaps four years of saving to be on the safe side.

This lavish wedding business (and it is a business) has got entirely out of hand. Particularly since half of them end in divorce.

If she really wants you there, ask her to cough up and pay for it!

@Incontinencesucks I agree with you. The bride is allowed to be disappointed that her best friend can't come to her wedding, of course she would be. But even a best friend's wedding isn't a priority for a young family, not if it means that they can't afford a family holiday or to fork out for a children's party.

If it was me, I would have been mortified if a friend was saving up to come to my wedding, I would never want any friend to be out of pocket for my wedding. I'd have either offered to help out with her costs (gladly if I could afford it), or got married in the UK and saved the destination part for the honeymoon. (My DH and I went to Barbados for our honeymoon, so I'm certainly bot against forking out on something really memorable when getting married.)

the other thing about the saving for a wedding....it matters much more when you need to travel to help someone because they're ill for example.

Dont feel guilty, you have kept her in the communication loop and been quite brave to do so. You could say you enjoy being involved in the preparations but if she would like someone else to help too who will be there, that's fine.

I feel even if you could afford it, hauling young children for hours at airports, flying and so on is not that nice for them ... and who knows what the situation will be like with the coronervirus and whether you want your young child on a flight breathing in circulated air for hours or yourself!

That should have been 'not' rather than 'bot'. That's where autocorrect would have been helpful.

No way would I have missed my child's first birthday
It's not about the baby not knowing ,it's about it being a special day for you and your child and husband !!!!!

'If she simply couldn’t afford it there was no need to go into all the different reasons why it would be too difficult to attend. Do that and it looks like you’re finding excuses not to go.'

I would guess (judging from the bride's overall behaviour) that the OP started with a much briefer explanation, and the bride's constant nagging led to the OP expanding her explanations. Maybe it would have been better just to say, 'I'm sorry; I can't go; please don't continue to press me'; but that too could be misinterpreted.

Also the whole concept of 'making excuses' belongs to somebody refusing or failing to do a job that they're required to do. No one is FORCED to go to a wedding (unless they're the bride, groom, officials or perhaps immediate family). It should be an enjoyable occasion, not treated as a grim duty.

The bride didn’t at first ask her to come alone it was after her supposed friend said she couldn’t come because money was tight , the bride then said could you come by yourself then

I saved to go to my best friend's wedding where I was a bridesmaid.
She lived where she was getting married so slightly different I realise as she hadn't chosen a destination wedding.

We had to pay for flights, car hire and 4 nights in a hotel. We could have done it a bit cheaper but decided as we had loads of notice (2 years I think) we'd treat it as a holiday.

We didn't have a lot of money at the time but I made sure that I saved a little a month so we could afford to go. If money really was the main consideration then there seems to have been plenty of time to put some by.

I don't see what's terrible about saving for something nice? A close friend's wedding in beautiful Italy is surely something worth making that effort for.

bigreputation ah, and I heard about you 😂

“ I don't see what's terrible about saving for something nice?”

Nothing is terrible. It’s just if you look at an average income, cover off saving for emergencies, for nice things for you and possibly DC, and then a baby on a plane for a few days somewhere too hot may not seem remotely like something nice.

When I got married I made sure that the venue was convenient for people. I also checked the bar prices so that my guests wouldn't be ripped off. I would never have dreamed of expecting people to pay out to get to a destination wedding. The sense of entitlement in expecting people to part with their money is shocking. If someone wants a destination wedding they can have it, but don't demand that people attend. The OP has said they can't afford it, that should an answer enough for the bride. The OP has also said that the bride wants the bridal party to stay in an expensive hotel as well. Can't imagine the OP would be getting much change from 2 grand when you consider it's in the middle of peak holiday season.

It's not just the cost of the holiday though is it? If the baby is 1 then it's likely that Op is coming to the end of maternity leave so will probably have had reduced earnings for the last year, plus babies are expensive at a time when you have less money.
Is it so difficult to imagine that's it beyond their means?

If she can't afford it she can't afford it but then her op shoulda been clearer about the real reason

I just would never have wanted my close friends/family to be out of pocket or to have to save up to be able to come to my destination wedding. I have had friends who have got married overseas and then have a wedding reception in this country, which worked really well.

The sense of entitlement of couples getting married these days is ridiculous. It's only one day for goodness sake.

@ConkerGame you are making enormous assumptions about both me, my friend and our friendship? Nearly all of them are incorrect too so settle down

unless there’s a massive drip feed coming about OP having dire financial circumstances

Well having a baby and all the expenses that go with it plus being on mat leave with sfa income is a huge drain on most people's savings.
Damm sure i wouldnt be prioritizing a luxury wedding over my normal living expenses nor my babys' needs.

@Vulpine But I've had a look at what the OP said in her post again and she said it was about the cost of getting there. Maybe it would have been better if she hadn't mentioned other issues, although. on Mumsnet, posters get accused of 'drip feeding if they mention other issues later in the thread that weren't in their original post.

If its only one day and they only get married once, then all the more reason to go - finances allowing. I see weddings in slightly far flung places a lovely excuse to have a lovely weekend away - finances allowing of course.