To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

Are receptions in this country following destination weddings no longer a thing? That's what used to happen and it worked very well.

She is being very demanding but assuming you afford it why can't you go alone and leave husband and child behind? It seems like a solution to me.

Bride is wrong to keep on at you, but it seems from your drip feeds that you don't particularly like her anymore.

eb-20 20:20:25
If its only one day and they only get married once, then all the more reason to go - finances allowing

Its 3 days in a luxury hotel in the middle of nowhere difgicult to get to and op has said she cannot afford it!

Bride is wrong to keep on at you, but it seems from your drip feeds that you don't particularly like her anymore.

Maybe OP doesn't particularly like her anymore because bride has been on at her for 18 months about a wedding OP can't afford to attend?

I wouldn’t like someone who was “disappointed” I got pregnant after ages TTC either

Why are so many posters finding it difficult to accept that the OP can't afford it?

OP as I have got older I have realised I can say no to things just because. You don’t need to justify anything (although what you’ve said is more than reasonable) if you don’t want to go that’s your choice. Nobody should demand others attend weddings or celebrations that require big expense, huge effort or travel if it’s inconvenient. It’s not a life saving situation, you’ve not refused a kidney you’re just not going to the wedding. Your friend demanding you go if you value your friendship should try applying that logic to herself.

'3 days luxury hotel' cant be enforced to attend a wedding for one day. Compromise is always an option.

OP I got married last year and think the bride's attitude is disgusting. Her reaction to your pregnancy spoke volumes. I get that she is under a mega amount of pressure to arrange a wedding but as others have pointed out, she should have weighed up the pros and cons of having a wedding abroad.
You are not being unreasonable at all. Your children come first and your friend needs to accept that. Sounds as though she is more pissed off that her perfect idea of 4 bridesmaids has gone out of the window! Stand your ground OP.

OP - I do think that if you can afford it financially then you should go. If you can’t and it would put you into debt or into two months of baked beans on toast then you’re totally right not to go. Maternity pay is shit and I’m watching all our savings disappear each day until I go back to work and then there is childcare to pay for!

However, I am flying me, DH, and our two DC (10 and 4 months) to Australia next month so DS can meet my family there. We’ve had to save extra for it as it’s huge expense but very important to us.

Ginfordinner “Why are so many posters finding it difficult to accept that the OP can't afford it?”

I really am baffled by this.

'ddl1Because in real life, many people see it as a Nice Thing that they can go and celebrate a friend’s wedding with them. I find it quite odd that some people on MN make blanket statements such as “disliking weddings” entirely. But then in MN land, lots of people are competitively friendless by choice or feel it’s a personal slight they’ve even been invited to a wedding so '

Very few people on MN or elsewhere are 'competively friendless by choice'. Some are friendless by circumstance and are making the best of it. (I do have quite a few friends, and am not talking about myself.)

I suppose if your social life is based around celebrating big occasions, then disliking such occasions might equate with disliking your friends. Just as if someone hates sport, or going to the pub, or television, or reading, or other people's children, then they are not going to make friends readily with people who run their lives around sport/ pub evenings/ TV/ reading/ activities with their children. But that doesn't mean that everyone in the whole world has to love these things or they hate their friends/ don't want friends.

I don't dislike weddings, but I do get shocked by the number of people who judge the quality of someone's friendship mainly by how much trouble they're willing or able to go to for their wedding. There are so many more important things IMO, ranging from enjoying a friend's company on an everyday basis to willingness to help a friend in difficulty. As the old saying goes, 'a friend in need is a friend indeed'. I also think that a marriage is a different thing to, and far more important than. a wedding.

You seem to be flip flopping as to the reasons why you “can’t” go. Is it cost, ist it travel, is it your baby’s birthday? Realistically Italy is not expensive to get to from where you live, you can have your baby’s birthday celebration a few days before or after and no one will care (least of all the baby), and you can also express enough breast milk if you’re worried about that. So it seems really you just don’t want to go.

'I don't dislike weddings, but I do get shocked by the number of people who judge the quality of someone's friendship mainly by how much trouble they're willing or able to go to for their wedding.'

This.

We (collectively) seem to have acquired a notion that a wedding is so completely and utterly important and to be prioritised that very significant sacrifices of time, stress and money are de rigueur. Sometimes I think some people put on these 'destination' weddings as a sort of test of How Important I Am to others. I agree with the PP who said it's a bit narcissistic (and I don't subscribe to the equally prevalent idea that a woman's wedding day is the one day on which her narcissism is legitimate. Apart from anything else, it perpetuates the idea that a woman's worth is centred in her relationships with men because her wedding is the most important day in her life).

If you really can't afford it, you can't afford it, but the way you have written your post and updates it suggests that you can't be bothered to go as you feel it would be too much hassle. I suspect your friend is also sensing all this.

Tbh I would not have been expressing for my 1yo and leaving them behind in order to attend a wedding, especially not one that someone just fancied holding abroad.

AutumnRose

I think that some people who have never gone through financial troubles and who are also not empathetic have no way of understanding what it's like to have to budget for everything.

Note I said some, not all. I'm empathising this because otherwise someone will pop up and say it's not true in their case. I know that, I myself have very little personal experience of having to budget carefully.

Others are projecting, I think, having been in the bride's position and are empathising with her disappointment that her friend has said she can't come to her wedding. So do I, but she's going about it in entirely the wrong way. Instead of nagging her (and going on about wanting 4 bridesmaids; what does that matter?), she could have offered to help with her friend's costs. I'm astonished that she hasn't, it would be my immediate response. Or if she hasn't got enough, or if her wealthy parents are holding the purse strings and said no to this, then, for goodness sake, don't insist that she has to stay in that very expensive hotel.

Yeahnah I think she's flip flopping because her friend is refusing to accept that she can't afford it, so she's floundering around to find an explanation that her friend will accept. She's feeling really guilty that she's upset her friend so much.

It's also possible that she and her DH have jointly decided that it's too expensive and that, if she crumbles and goes to the wedding he will be unhappy about her going against that. Especially as, for the moment, he's the main earner. As a SAHM myself, if DH and I agreed not to go to a wedding that was too expensive and then I felt guilt tripped into going, he really wouldn't like it, especially if we then had to forego a family holiday that the rest of the family would have enjoyed doing.

Thank you @Mittens030869, you're lovely

"I can't afford it" should be a perfectly acceptable reason for not attending a destination wedding.

No other explanation is necessary.

You're welcome, OP. I used to find it hard to disappoint friends by saying no, so I see where you're coming from. But I've found the Mumsnet maxim that 'no is a full sentence' very helpful. You gave her the reason that you couldn't afford it and that should have been enough.

I would gently suggest that, for your own sake, you need to step away from this. Your friend needs to learn when to back off.