To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

She doesn't sound like a very good friend, tbh. When DH and I got married we deliberately chose a day and venue that were accessible to all those we wanted there - you go abroad and you must accept that many people will not be able to attend. I think your friend is being massively unreasonable, and is clearly trying to guilt you into doing what she wants. Don't go - you will be miserable and I think will resent your friend for pressuring you into attending. People who don't have babies don't understand the emotional pull: there's no way I would have left my baby to go abroad. This thing about her planning for 4 BM … what a load of rubbish! Nothing's been bought, nothing will be wasted. It's easy enough to now plan for 3! She is allowed to be disappointed, but pressuring you, trying to guilt you … this is not acceptable. Stand your ground: as another poster said, consider removing yourself from the other plans, as she is going to be on at you at every opportunity. Just because she was your BM doesn't mean you have to reciprocate no matter what. My DSis was my BM: I wasn't one of hers. No problem, no drama. Back away and let her get on with it … your baby only turns one once - why would you want to miss it? Yes, DS won't remember, but you will. And every time you think about it you'll resent your friend. I missed my DS's 3rd birthday: he was fine, but I felt so guilty. Your family comes first.

Yanbu

If she genuinely "can't get married without you there" then she shouldnt have booked it in a remote and expensive location.

This. She is being completely selfish and ridiculous.

Don't go to the wedding.

Tell your so-called friend that she is being totally unreasonable and that, if she wants your friendship to survive, she will make an effort to get over herself pronto.

And I bet her marriage doesn't last, unless the groom-to-be has an extremely high tolerance for such self-obsessed bullshit?1

You are quite entitled to say no and not go to her wedding

To be fair she wasn’t disappointed with op being pregnant she only said ‘you will still be coming to my wedding’ , maybe she could foresee op was going to be pulling out

I agree she is going on about it to much but if a lot of other guests are still going with young children including babies I can see why she’s maybe disappointed

Nice drip about her being spoilt and pandered to though op, saying you will take her to a spa and going to dress fittings is not ‘making Up for things’ they are just platitudes

As people say on mn she thinks of you more as a friend than you think of her,

I'm probably going against the grain here but I'd say YAB a bit U.^^

Ignore the fact that she's pressuring you and being a bit bridezilla about it, you did clearly agree to it all in the beginning with you and DH. She's probably just frustrated that you'd gone from 100% yes to 100% no. Practicality wise, your 1yo is practically free on a holiday - yes it's hard work but honestly if this was a friend I was close enough to be a bridesmaid for, I'd be there in a heartbeat.

You of course are entitled to make any decision you like. Just don't expect a very close friend to be delighted about it!

@AuntImmortelle

Are you the bride in question? Of course the op wants to celebrate her child's birthday at home and on the actual day. That's not unreasonable at all.

I wouldn’t go.

But Italy is hardly a long flight. Presuming you are in the UK.

@QuestionableMouse no I'm not. I'm just offering another opinion. Life goes on and celebrating the child's first birthday really can be moved a week either way. They won't know. It won't matter in the grand scheme of things 20 yrs down the line.

YANBU at all.
When people choose to have holidays abroad, they also should understand that close that people can say no due to the cost and time that choice brings.
The fact is that you have now a DS, is an additional reason she has no right to force you to go.
I suggest every time she mentions it, tell her is she willing to change the venue so it is in your home town and when she says no, tell her your obviously don't want me to come then.
Subsequent requests can then be met with, ohh so your changing the venue then.
The only problem is if she does change it you will have to go LOL.
Alternatively, tell her you are upset you cant make it but sadly you cant and that you will meet up when she returns for a post wedding get together.
I suppose you could see it as her really wanting you at her wedding

She's being a bit precious and silly pressuring you, but to be honest, I have some sympathy for her. You are her best friend. She's been planning tis wedding for 2 years and now you're saying you aren't going to come. And you say you can't really afford it but it' sounds from the OP like you COULD afford it, but you'd rather spend the money elsewhere. Which, of course, is your right. But I can see why she'd be a bit upset that you don't consider her wedding to be important enough. And getting to Italy with a small child is not exactly the same as attempting to climb Kilimanjaro, and would probably be a nice trip, so I can understand why she feels a bit surprised that it's something you don't want to do. All round, what your'e saying is that you are no longer willing to inconvenience yourself in any way for your best friend.

All of this is your right. But I don't blame her for being a bit upset.

PS I went to a wedding in the depths of Italy. We didn't have DC but the Bride and Groom did, including a 9 month old. They had a wonderful time!

I never understand why couples get shitty when people cannot attend their weddings when it is abroad/hundreds of miles away. I think if you choose to get married in some far flung destination, you need to be fully prepared to expect not everyone will be able to come, and I say that as someone who married abroad.

You can't afford it. It's just not practical for your family. There's no reason you should feel bad. Step back and stop involving yourself in the wedding prep, unless she stops hassling you about going. No means no. She needs to get over herself.

If she genuinely "can't get married without you there" then she shouldnt have booked it in a remote and expensive location

To be fair, when she booked it the OP was more than happy to go.

Circumstances have changed though and it’s now more difficult. Personally I’d still go. I’d take DS if it was going to be over his first birthday, DH too & make a nice long weekend/week away of it. But if you don’t want to go, she needs to stop banging on about it, but you can’t expect her not to be hurt & upset.

I would go. Is there no way you could afford it just for a couple of days. It could be an amazing experience.

I got married abroad. We were quite clear that we do not expect anyone to attend, and we were grateful to those that did.

That's the thing about getting married abroad, you accept many people can't comfortably afford it, can't take leave or don't fancy it with a baby. Most people have a party when they get back for those who couldn't make it.

I think you just need to ask her to stop bringing ot up now, for the sake of your friendship. Be clear if she can't put it aside it might be better for you to hang up your bridesmaid hat.

That is assuming you definitely can't go. Could DH stay with DS in a town in a cheap air-conditioned b&b? Or you just go on your own, maybe even for 1 night if the ceremony is later? In the height of summer I bet the airfare is huge though, she should understand if it's just not possible

I think if it was me I would try to go with DS and DH. Travelling with a 1 year old is not impossible and it could be a nice weekend. However if it's not affordable for you, you should be able to say no. People should not be forced to attend weddings and circumstances change.

Going against the masses here sorry I do think you’re being unreasonable OP. You were her bridesmaid and you’re her best friend and you agreed to go when she was booking it. I’d be devastated if my best friend didn’t come to my wedding. Your 1 year old will cost very little so that’s no excuse. I understand it’s a bit less laid back travelling with a baby but I’ve done it several times and it’s fine, we have some Lovely memories of holidays with a baby. I don’t think you’re being a great friend here and I think you’ve let her down.

If someone chooses to get married abroad, then they also have to accept that not everyone can or will want to go. I think this is quite a selfish thing to do, tbh.

You can't go. To expect you to drop your family and go on your own is beyond selfish. You aren't ruining her day - she is.

If you don't want to go the don't go although I can understand why she's disappointed.

YABU to refer to Italy as a long flight if you are in the UK though. You can fly to most parts in 2 or so hours! I was expecting you to say it was in Bali or the Maldives!

At first I thought YWNBU, but you say it's in Italy? It's hardly rural Uzbekistan in a traditional yurt village accessible only by camel train.

Assuming you are in the UK, Italy is hardly difficult to get to - there isn't really a "remote" Italy. If it's in somewhere picturesque like San Gimignano, then you're flying on a short, not long flight, into one of several easily accessible airports, probably on Easyjet, and then a drive or train of a couple of hours - better yet, she might be organised enough to book a bus. At any rate I doubt she's leaving her guests to work it out for themselves.

Travelling to Italy with a 1 year old is a dream - they're easy and portable, maybe sleeping a bit by now and everybody oohs and aahs over them. The food is easy, the hours are easy, nobody minds you bringing babies to restaurants in the evenings, lots of cool churches to step into. It's bliss.

You're a bridesmaid, you've had 2 years to plan for this, and Italy is not a difficult or - in this case - unexpected location for the wedding.

I'd be in two minds as to whether I would leave the baby & DH at home - on the one hand, you'd have more fun, but on the other, you can bring them and stay on for a week or two and have a heavenly holiday in a very baby-friendly country.

What you're saying is that you don't WANT to go. Which is fine, but you can't blame it on outside factors or paint the wedding as an unreasonable event to bring a 1yo to.

Sometimes this is what happens when you book weddings years in advance and abroad 🤷🏻‍♀️. A lot can change in other people’s lives. Unfortunately she’s just going to have to deal with it.

YANBU to say no because your priorities have changed.
She’s NBU to be disappointed; she is being unreasonable to keep bloody harping on about it, trying to get you to change your mind, trying to make you feel guilty, and to be angry about it.

All you can do is be absolutely blunt and tell her that this is the last time you want to say this. She is your very dear friend, you love enormously, and you’re sorry you can’t be there, but you won’t be going. It’s not a personal slight, it’s not because you don’t care, it’s simply that you have a child and a family now and you have to prioritise accordingly. It doesn’t mean you care any less about her, things in your life have changed enormously since she booked the wedding and therefore what was possible before isn’t possible now. You’re looking forward to dress fittings, discussions about flowers and food, helping with and attending the hen do, you’re really looking forward to the spa weekend and spending time just the two of you, you can’t wait to see the pictures and hear everything when she gets back and, in fact, let’s arrange a date for dinner and really good catch up now so that it’s all booked in! Then top up her wine and move on to something else.

If she chooses to get the arse that’s her choice and there’s nothing you can do.
If she chooses to distance herself, again her choice.
If she keeps bringing it up, just keep saying, with a smile on your face “we’ve talked about this and I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by going over it again.” And change the subject.

You might have to accept that this is something she can’t get past.

YANBU. I got married abroad and while I did book 2 years in advance to give people plenty of notice, I completely understood that not everyone would be able to make it. A couple of our really close friends couldn't come and I was really disappointed but I would never have kicked up a fuss or made them feel bad for it. You need to tell her straight that you've given your final answer, you cannot and will not change your mind and that if she continues to go on about it then you'll have no choice but to take a step back from your friendship.

I might be missing something, but why can’t you go to Italy? I thought you were going to say the Maldives etc?