To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

Some areas of Italy are not that easy to get to though - maybe if you live in London and have a choice of airports.

As an example - one weekend In July 2020, you can get return flights from Manchester to Milan (well known cheap route) for under £100. We all know that won't include seat reservations, luggage etc. For one person.

The only other places you can fly to are Rome, Venice, Pisa and Naples. I'd guess this wedding is Tuscany - so the most convenient airport is Pisa but that still probably requires a couple of hours drive to the wedding. £250 flights, for one person. So £500 down already for two adults, bags not included. Car hire, accommodation, wedding gift, outfits plus everything else that comes with being a bridesmaid. All to pander to a friend who has been less than considerate. I'm sorry but that is expensive to most people!

I would never go to a wedding abroad, with or without children, unless one of the parties was from that country.

Surely no one likes weddings

I do! I've been to about 25 and only not enjoyed myself at 1 or 2.

I think YABU tbh as it sounds like you’re being or have been precious, so I wonder if your friend making such a big deal of this is doing so because you have. e.g. putting “long flights” in your OP because the flight wound feel long to you

Taking a one year old will not increase the cost of the flight and will only minimally increase the cost of a hotel. I appreciate it will be your child’s birthday, but I see you told your friend when 6mths pregnant that the wedding would fall on your child’s 1st birthday - that surely can’t have been something you’d know for sure then, just speculation.

It sounds like you don’t like your friend v much tbh and don’t want to go.

You obviously don’t like this woman at all as observed by all the drips 💧

You told her when you were 6 months pregnant that the wedding was going to fall on your child’s 1st birthday!!! I presume you had a premonition of his birthdate as there is usually a couple of weeks either side of a due date.

Have to say though for someone with a destination wedding, she was cutting it fine ( when you told her you couldn’t go) not having things organised with only 15 months to go

no reason nor excuse needed, invite not summons. Just jettison this boring self-centred woman, who needs this?

good luck to the prospective groom with this terrible spoiled brat - I give it two years.

Actually @coffeecoffeecoffeemore, I’ve changed my mind. I was going down the nicely-nicely route.

The more I read the more I think she’s just being a selfish cow.

You can’t afford it. It’s that simple. She’s just being selfish and she sounds horrible.

Tell her one last time that you cannot afford it to come, even alone, and doing so would make day to day living very difficult so you’re not coming, and that if she cared about you as much as she says she does she would understand that and stop guilt-tripping you and shaming you into spending money that you simply do not have. Then say you are not discussing it again.

Op you are definitely nbu. And she is as so many others have said.

Not sure if the spactrip you’ve organised has already happened or if you’ve planned it and it’s closer to the wedding - but if you haven’t had it I would make sure you have a good friend or relative ‘on call’ for back up as from what you’ve said about her, I can imagine her being petty and deciding to drop out at the last moment so she could leave you there alone...

Sort of thing that if you had a sis or good friend that knew the background would be happy to step on at the last minute but wouldn’t mind not being called upon if she did turn up. .

Dear friend

You know how much you mean to me and how excited I was to be your bridesmaid. With my big change of circumstances since agreeing, I simply haven't got the money to come. I really wish I could, but I can't.

Well, if you can't afford it, that's the end of it. But you are being very precious about the travelling bit - 3 hour flight and a couple of hours driving isn't the end of the world and many couples manage just fine. It's easier and cheaper to travel now rather than later as well. Again, if you don't have the money, you don't have it and you shouldn't try and give 100 other excuses as it makes it look like you are trying every reason out there to get out of it.

Nobody should have to struggle financially to go to someone else's wedding.
Your circumstances have changed. You have gone out of your way to try and make amends, enough is enough now. She needs to stop with the guilt and leave you alone.

I got married in Italy. It was wonderful. I understood that not everyone would be able to attend and I certainly didn’t require an explanation if someone couldn’t. So you are definitely not being unreasonable.

However, Italy is not a long flight from the UK and I can’t think of anywhere in Italy that you would need to spend hours driving to. They have a superb train network which pretty much links together the entire country. Plus, it’s really not that big.

If you can’t afford to go, then that’s enough and you don’t owe anyone an explanation, but you seem to have a really negative attitude towards the wedding generally, which I think makes you a bit unreasonable. We travelled back and forth to Italy a few times with our DS prior to our wedding (who was 6months, 18 months and 2 years on each trip). It really wasn’t as difficult as you are making it out to be.

She sounds rather silly, vain and self-centred. Just keep saying no but accept the friendship may well come to an end. I think I would back out of some of the other things you have agreed to do if she will not accept your 'no'.

As another poster said, you seem to be giving every excuse possible to get out of going.

To be honest, Italy is not difficult to get to, there's airports all over Italy and it's not expensive to fly there, or (especially northern Italy) it's easy to drive there and make it into part of a road trip, they are excellent holidays for dc of that age because you can take everything you need. Travel via France one way and back through Austria and Germany. I thought you were going to say the Caribbean or Far East when you described it's location.

I would have had sympathy if the OP hadn't reacted in such a self-centred way to being told the exciting news that her best friend had become pregnant after a long time of TTC. She must have been gutted.

The friend reminds me of my DDs asking me over and over again if they can have something they want when I've said no repeatedly. It's very immature behaviour.

When I got married, I worked hard to help people who had logistical problems to overcome to get to the wedding and the reception, which was a 40 minute drive away. I organised lifts. Like this bride (bridezilla), I had financial help from my DM, who is well off, and my DH had savings. In this situation, I would have offered to help with the costs if I really wanted my best friend at my wedding. It sounds like she and her parents have the financial means of doing this.

In general I think people who fuck off somewhere a bazillion miles away to get married ought to accept some people won't be able to come for a variety of perfectly decent reasons.

Don’t be guilt-tripped.
I wouldn’t go either. It’s too hot, it’s too far and it’s too expensive.

Her priority is her wedding. Your priority is your baby — this is the natural order of things and you’ve made a reasonable decision and explained it sensitively.

And just book Airbnb rather than hotels, or camp, mine loved camping at that age (just have an Airbnb when it's the wedding)

No, stand your ground. It's not as if you've just decided not to go - you have the best possible reason - a young family.

Don't let your friend put her decision for having a wedding on you. That's hugely unfair.

For perspective: I couldn't afford to go to own my sister's in St Lucia. She was lovely about it. She knew she'd chosen the expensive option for guests but, for her and her husband, it was the same price as getting married closer to home, so they went for it. Other siblings couldn't be there due to family commitments and lack of money.

Also, I think it's generous of you to buy a spa visit. I hope your friend relaxes after she's tied the knot and realises how 'Bridezilla' she's been .

*for having a wedding abroad

Bridezilla alert!

I think that the friend seems a bit of an idiot, but presumably she has a lot of good qualities or wouldn't be one of OP's closest friends? There's no way I'd personally miss my best friend's wedding –hadn't you budgeted for you and husband to go there originally? Adding a child that young into the equation makes very little difference financially.

We are going to the south of France for a holiday with our one-year-old this summer, and aside from a very small supplement for the flight (she's going to sit on our knee as it's only a couple of hours), it's not costing us any more than it would for the two of us, really. We would have to hire a car regardless, and we can take her car seat free on the flight. So I think the child is a red herring a bit and it's just that you haven't budgeted for it more than anything?

You know what really pisses me off about weddings, people set a date and expect everyone to bloody attend, like they don't have their own lives, never mind what might happen in between setting the date and the actual wedding which can be a lengthy amount of time. If I was you if she can't get it through her thick head then write her a letter stating you will NOT be there, no if's or butts, it is what it is! Don't have another conversation with her about it. If she tries, tell her to re read the letter 😂 Focus on YOUR family.

I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

I am surprised nobody has commented on this (apologies if someone has and I missed it)

A friend who would be disappointed you were pregnant and immediately thought of how it would impact her rather than being glad for you is not much of a friend IMO