To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

OP was involved in the planning to have it in Italy

Op was involved in planning hen night not the wedding venue. Bridezilla did that herself. The venue wasnt even booked when op agreed to be BM!

^She then said that I had encouraged her to book it abroad and she wouldn't have if I hadn't said that!
All I'd said was as it was her wedding and she had all the choice in the world, she should book whatever she wants^

OP said ^ Her friend felt she encouraged her to have it abroad.

If you can afford a spa weekend for 2 you can afford a budget trip to Italy with Airbnb or camping.

You just don’t want to go and that’s fine but don’t expect your friend not to be upset in the circumstances.

She may be being a bit Bridezilla but you are being a bit U - you’ve made a lot of excuses none of which actually add up.

"If you can afford a spa weekend for 2 you can afford a budget trip to Italy with Airbnb or camping"

this is one of the maddest things I've read on MN

a) cost comparison
b) CAMPING?!

this is one of the maddest things I've read on MN

b) CAMPING?!

Just imagine turning up with a bivvy bag to your friend’s wedding, using the communal showers on the campsite and getting all dolled up in between cow pats then returning there at night

I was once in the same position as you OP!

My friend was getting married abroad and asked me to be a bridesmaid, I agreed and said yes even though it was a long haul destination.

Shortly after the venue was booked (no flights yet, no dresses bought etc) the grooms mum was diagnosed with an illness and couldn't travel so they put the wedding on hold until she was well enough to fly.

This took a number of years and by the time they came to rebook the wedding I had a toddler and had been made redundant from my job so I had to tell her there was no way I could go.

I was gutted as was she, but she didn't try to guilt me or behave the way your friend has, despite how disappointed my friend was she accepted my position graciously!

What I would say though is that as the wedding drew closer I was more and more saddened not to be there to see my friend get married. 4 months before I sat down with DH and we costed out how much it would be for me to go alone for as short a time as possible and decided we could afford it. I booked the flights and hotel but didn't tell my friend, the groom to be helped me find an extra bridesmaid dress and picked me up from the airport.

It was absolutely one million percent worth it to see the look on my friends face when she walked into the hotel the day before her wedding and saw me sat there with the groom

Actually, the campsites in Italy are lovely. Most people take campervans and you can rent a nice apartment (with its own toilet and shower) to stay in onsite. They have pools, restaurants etc. It’s very different to camping here in the UK!

As I had mentioned, DS's first birthday is NOT a deciding factor in me going but it is important to me, especially as PPs have said, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to see it. FWIW, my friend also doesn't think this should stop me going and I agree.

We can't comfortably afford a holiday abroad this year by any stretch. I'm sure it can't be that unusual for a young family to forgo this?
An overnight local spa break on offer proved much much cheaper than flying to and staying in Italy for a few days.

I can see I am BU by making a big deal about travelling somewhere in Europe. However, if we could afford to, to me that is far to go for a wedding. The idea of doing that journey with a baby in tow filled me with dread. We do not live near an airport and it wouldn't be easy.

I have tried to be fair and thoughtful by giving plenty of notice to my friend but she isn't happy about me not going, for any reason.
I understand she is disappointed and I don't expect her not to be. Just to be a bit more understanding of my position.
Because I care about her, I am still remaining involved in all the other parts of her wedding planning that I can and as I am included by her to.

OP “I can see I am BU by making a big deal about travelling somewhere in Europe. However, if we could afford to, to me that is far to go for a wedding. The idea of doing that journey with a baby in tow filled me with dread. We do not live near an airport and it wouldn't be easy.”

Agree OP. My best friend travels internationally for work but still manages to respect that not everyone finds travel okay.

There are a lot of complete bellends on this thread. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your life has changed and she needs to get over herself.

@ShirleyPhallus

Camping in Italy would be a lovely consideration for a holiday another year, when we can afford it

While we had holidays abroad before we had children, we didn’t have any abroad after we had children.

“I can see I am BU by making a big deal about travelling somewhere in Europe. However, if we could afford to, to me that is far to go for a wedding. The idea of doing that journey with a baby in tow filled me with dread. We do not live near an airport and it wouldn't be easy.”

And that’s fine. But that is not what you said.

“ When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things”

You made it sound like she was getting married in some remote village in Burma! A flight to Italy is not “long flights” and it is a well connected country with transport links to every part of it, so realistically you wouldn’t have to drive anywhere.

I think she is BU but I have to say it is disappointing and I see it time and time again where someone puts loads of effort in to being a bridesmaid for someone and when said bridesmaid then gets married themselves, the original bride has become a mum and can't possibly make the wedding, do this, do that.
Money is tight when you have kids but you have known about this wedding for a few years and honestly if it was my best friend, I'd have been putting money aside each month where possible and I would be going on my own.
I'm not saying you're unreasonable op, and people do need to realise that not everyone can afford abroad weddings. But I'm just saying that I would be trying my hardest to be able to make it.

And I think I'm just finding it hard to know whether you really can afford it or whether you are just saying that since your original post said it is in a really remote area with long flights but it is actually just in Italy..I get the impression you just don't want to go and I imagine that is why your friend is upset, especially since she made a lot of effort for yours.

She probably doesn’t understand because she feels like you’re making excuses and making out everything is harder than it would be in reality.

She obviously expected this when you first announced you were pregnant.

She does sound as though she’s being a bit unreasonable, but the way you’ve gone about things makes me think you are too.

You knew about this wedding before you were pregnant, so could possibly saved a small amount each month for the last couple of years to pay for it (or to have earmarked some of your savings). If you just didn’t want to go, it would probably would have been best just to say so from the outset.

no, I wouldn't go.

DH and I got married in a city we don’t even live in anymore, because it was the location convenient for the majority of our guests. It was a pain to plan remotely in a place that isn’t a “destination wedding” location. We still did it because it made the most sense for our families.

I’ve got no patience for people who plan destination weddings and then are disappointed about a guest not being able to attend.

I can't image being so precious about one day of my life. Bridezilla's are a nightmare. You're not being unreasonable.

If it was my close friend getting married I think I'd be doing everything I could to be there for her wedding. If you were having pregnant or had a tiny baby then I could see why it would be hard to manage but the arguments about it being a long way and a remote location don't really stand up when you're talking about a trip to Italy.

Honestly from your posts, there are so many reasons why you can't possibly go, it does make it sound like you are trying to find excuses to get out of it.

I absolutely get that circumstances change but your friend is bound to be hurt. Do you have form for backing out of stuff? If so, is that why your friend is so pissed off?

What is it with selfish bridezilla's that makes them think the whole world has to revolve around their 1 fucking day?
I don't get it.
You agreed but your circumstances/responsibilities changed massively later on. You explained and have done all the other stuff with her/for her.
Not only is she being selfish as a friend but she seriously actually expects you to go and leave your little one on their birthday? She wouldn't be my friend anymore tbh.
I got married abroad a few years back, DH and I both agreed that we wouldn't be asking anyone to accompany us (people would feel obliged) If they wanted to come then they could.
What WE were doing was the important part and not how many people were there to witness it.

Sorry OP my hate for all things bridezillery made me forget to answer your question
NO YANBU

@bigreputation quite the opposite actually. I am listing all the reasons that I don't feel like I can go because I feel bad that I am not going, which is unlike me entirely.

As I have already said, Italy is a long way to me and I have given this lots of thought.

FWIW, if it was the other way around while I would be disappointed, I wouldn't dream of making her feel bad about it especially if I didn't know the realities of having children myself.

That is why I started the post in the first place.

I'm not sure if it's always been the way but every thread I read lately are full of posters trying to pull down, pick holes and generally be asshats to the op. It's kind of bizarre.

This! SHE CAN'T AFFORD IT! PMSL about how it's 'cheap' or can be 'cheap' and there are 'lots' of affordable flights and the suggestion of camping so she can get into debt and bend herself in knots all for someone's selfish desire to have a fucking destination wedding. Not everyone lives in or near a city with 'cheap' flights. For all we know, the OP lives in Fort William or Oban and has to travel hours to even get to an airport and the flights are more expensive than say, from London.

She doesn't have the money to go! The end. Nothing 'precious' or unreasonable about it.

If it ends the friendship, so be it but she can't magic up the money to go to fucking Italy and it may not be at all 'cheap'. FFS. And that doesn't necessarily apply to being in abject penury. Plenty of people in real life simply cannot afford a holiday at all, much less abroad to fucking Italy for a wedding.

Typical MN bubble, everyone can afford to go abroad if they just magic up the money, everyone is near cheap and efficient transport.

YANBU.

As you are such a close friend I think you should be doing more to get there. You’ve had lots of notice and even encouraged her to go for it so I do think it’s not great that you haven’t been saving to make sure you can make it. She doesn’t sound like she’s that important to you so I can see why she’s upset (although I agree she shouldn’t be having a go at you).

So often the people to get married first and get everyone to make a big effort for their hen/stag and wedding then just aren’t willing to make the effort for other people’s weddings as they’ve moved on to having kids and “children trump weddings”. Poor form imo - if you didn’t want to return the favour you shouldn’t have accepted all of her help for your wedding.

Stormciara

Typical MN bubble, everyone can afford to go abroad if they just magic up the money, everyone is near cheap and efficient transport.

^This! I grew up in a remote seaside town where it took ages to get anywhere. Now I live in Leeds, with the M1 and M62 both only 1 mile away, Manchester Airport one hour's drive away and a mainline station. I imagine that people who have only ever lived in a big city won't have a clue how different life is in other parts of the country.

Judging by this thread, that's true of a lot of posters on Mumsnet.