To not go to friend's wedding abroad?

[coffeecoffeecoffeemore]

NC for this as it's quite outing

One of my closest friends is getting married abroad this year. I had originally been asked to be a bridesmaid when she got engaged almost 2 years ago. I have since gone on to have DS after after a long time TTC. Sadly she was disappointed when I told her I was pregnant and immediately said "you are still coming to my wedding aren't you?!"

When I was around 6 months pregnant, I sat down with her and explained how sorry I was but that we wouldn't be able to come to the wedding any more because of cost (it's in a very expensive place) and difficulty getting there (it's in a very remote place which would require lots of driving, long flights etc) among other things including it falling over DC's 1st birthday, not that this is a decider - just another factor.
I told her it wasn't an easy decision and that while it didn't make up for it, I'd bought a spa trip voucher for us for some time to celebrate before she heads off to get married.
I promised to go to all the dress fittings as planned, continue planning hen do etc etc as usual but just wouldn't be able to make it to the actual event.
Nothing had been officially booked at this point so I wasn't letting her down money-wise but she is very very disappointed and thinks I am being VU as lots of other people are going with their children/babies - even some newborns! As she loves to reiterate every time I see her. She said she can't possibly get married without me there and I'm ruining the whole thing for her now as she had planned for 4 bridesmaids etc etc.

She has now asked me to come on my own without my DH or DC - something I have already explained that I am not comfortable with but she will not take no for an answer. I have said no as my final answer but she is continuing to hold out hope that I am coming which is putting a big strain on our friendship.

I feel like this is really make it or break it for us as friends but while I feel like I have been thoughtful and careful in my execution I can't help but feel very guilty. AIBU not to go?
Eugh just want it to all be over

Weddings are expensive for guests at the best of times but a destination wedding is really expensive. Your income will have been impacted by maternity leave and you have new additional costs. Regardless of this however it is your money and your finances and only you know how they will be impacted. You seemed to have considered the options and made your decision that only you can make with regard to finances.

With regard to your sons birthday there is no way I'd have wanted to miss that/travel it was an emotional day for me and I'm not an emotional person per se. You know best how you will feel and again its un fair of her to make you feel guilty about this. I understand others feel differently about this but each to their own.

I am a terrrible flyer, I get very sick and am neither use nor ornament, my DC would not have understood at that age that Mammy could not talk/play/cuddle etc (i get very ill) so the fly would have been very stressful.

Like you OP I am also not confident abroad and would hate to travel alone.

Everyone is different you've assessed your situation, youve decided what you feel you are able to do and you have given plenty warning to your friend. Please don't feel guilty, to those saying you don't like your friend very much, friendship is two-way, we're all different

I think that if the bride really wanted the OP to come to the wedding, she should have asked her if she and her DH and baby could afford to get there. Then she could have either chosen to get married in this country or offered to pay some of their costs herself.

That would have been much more likely to persuade her friend to come than all the emotional blackmail she's inflicting on the OP.

I'm not ignoring that OP can't afford it. If you don't have any money, you don't book a spa weekend.
It doesn't cost thousands to go to a wedding in Italy. There are lots of cheap flights available especially when you have lots of advance notice to book. Other people will be going to the wedding to car share with and you can rent an airbnb rather than staying in a posh hotel.
OP doesn't want to go and that's fine but she has to own that decision not try to pretend it's about lots of different 'reasons'. Fudging it is why her friend thinks she might still turn up.

If you want to maintain the friendship I'd go by myself. One person is much cheaper than three.
Have a look at the logistics; flight times, trains etc, if you're not a regular traveller op these things can seem daunting but once you get going it'll be fine.
Your DS won't know it's his birthday.

@5foot5 Yes I saw that and commented on it a few minutes ago. I can't imagine not being thrilled when a close friend tells me exciting news. A lot of us have thought or started a thread on AIBU about it, but we're mature enough to know that we're being selfish and so wouldn't bring it up at that point. Because the day is about our friend and not about us.

YABU, precious and a bad friend. Bringing the baby will add absolutely no expense to the original plan. Your excuse doesn't stand up.

I think people are being a bit dense about the financial issues. It's not the cost of transporting a 1yo (and they do not in fact travel for free - they will add to the cost of the flights and any transfers), it's that OP may now be paying £1-2k a month in childcare, or have lost or seriously curtailed one household income. I mean, if people on here have figured out a way you can have exactly the same household income and thus holidays post-DC as when you had two FT working adults before, short of very very obliging DGPs, I'm sure we're all ears.

I suspect the friendship has been damaged by her friend's reaction to her pregnancy announcement. Possibly if that hadn't happened, the OP would have been prepared to go alone. (I travelled to a friend's wedding in Sweden, as that's where she comes from, when I was still single. It was great.)

Don't even give this a second thought, OP.
Yes, it's disappointing for your friend, but she must understand that when she books an Italian wedding in a remote place that's a pita to get to, that even her nearest and dearest will be like, "Ugh. No thanks."

Anyway, it is what it is. Stand by your decision and if the friendship doesn't really survive this, there's not a whole lot you can do. You've made the decision. Just move forward and try not to give it too much thought.

Ok a few things....
The op had been TTC, anyone who has been through the heartache of a difficult road regarding fertility will understand that actually she may not have wanted to even have hoped for being pregnant by the time her friend got married or been facing the possibility it may not ever happen, even through a pregnancy there is so much fear you may not make it to the end.
Secondly, in regards to the above, a 1st birthday is VERY important, a milestone that the op may have thought she might never had had?
Thirdly, she has been honest with her friend, but her friend has not allowed her to be her own person with thought and feelings. She's demanding op attend and doesn't care about the things that are important to the op.

I'm not sure if it's always been the way but every thread I read lately are full of posters trying to pull down, pick holes and generally be asshats to the op. It's kind of bizarre.

She is a crap friend.

I’d have loved to get married abroad, but we chose to instead do it in UK so as not to inconvenience family and friends.

The situation she is unhappy about has been caused by HER selfish choice to marry overseas. Not by your choice. Your baby would hate a long flight and your are right to put him first.

A wedding is not “ruined” if it has 3 bridesmaids instead of 4.

Tell her to stop being such a bridezilla and that if she wanted to make sure everybody could come she should have married in Uk.

Once upon a time weddings happened where friends and family could get to them, and destinations were for the honeymoon. Stick to your guns, OP. Have a lovely birthday party for your son, with your family. People who truly appreciate him and you.

None of this makes any sense. You were supposed to be a bridesmaid and the wedding was booked before you were pregnant. If that's the case, why weren't your flights already booked?

Twenty years ago, One of my oldest and closest friends decided to get married in India (we are in Uk) and I was kindly asked to do a reading in a bridesmaid kind of role. I found out I was pregnant with my first ahead of the event. I was obv delighted about my pregnancy but gutted I couldn't go to the wedding as I would have been too pregnant to fly. Also India was a place we had travelled together. My friend (who didn't have children at that time) was just chuffed for me, wished me well and made alternative arrangements for the formalities. Never any pressure or animosity from her. So, twenty years later we are still very close friends. Your friend is being very unreasonable. You have done loads re her hen etc so no need to feel guilty. Don't

I'm not sure if it's always been the way but every thread I read lately are full of posters trying to pull down, pick holes and generally be asshats to the op. It's kind of bizarre.

It's been thus for as long as I've been on here, which is 5 years. I think it's got worse, though. I can't believe that so many posters don't take any notice of the fact that the friend was upset that the OP was pregnant and only worrying about whether the OP would still be able to get to the wedding. A true friend would have been thrilled for her.

For those that keep saying that adding a one year old won't increase the price of the flight and hotel much have obviously missed the bit where the OP said that their finances had changed.

They used to have a lot in savings and disposable income but they don't any more.

FWIW I missed DS's first birthday for a work conference and I still regret it (he's 20 now).

None of this makes any sense. You were supposed to be a bridesmaid and the wedding was booked before you were pregnant. If that's the case, why weren't your flights already booked?

Seriously? It was two years in advance! No-one books flights that far ahead, even if they could!

If the OP had just said she couldn’t afford it then I doubt anyone would have said she wbu.

To make out that Italy with a one year old is some kind of long haul, remote location makes it sound as though OP is just making excuses not to go.

No dont go. Ridiculous idea.

I think you have to be prepared to let the friendship go, as I doubt it will recover from this. The reaction to your pregnancy sounds horrid and self-centred, and that alone would be enough to make me feel she isn’t a true friend.

BUT not being able to afford it is still a bit of a red herring, I think. Unless you are in total penury, it would have been possible to plan over 18 months for the expenses to get you and DH there (with minimal extra for a 1 y/o), bearing in mind you said you COULD afford it before the baby.

It reads as if you don’t want to afford it, which is your right, but the other justifications don’t cut it. Italy with a one year old really isn’t a drama. If you are in a posh hotel (as you say) it’ll have air conditioning. A one year old’s birthday is certainly a bonkers reason not to go (I have several kids).

I totally get she’s been a cow and you don’t want to go, just feel you should. But be honest with yourself so you understand why she’s upset.

Hmm, you sound very PFB when talking about your DSs 1st birthday (he's one, he has no idea) and how much you've spent "raising him thus far".

If you had "lots of savings and disposable" income and you'd agreed to go already I can see why she's disappointed and possibly a bit perplexed.

Babies are cheap, someone with lots of savings and disposable income should be able to go to Italy for a few days. Car hire is cheap, as are the high speed trains. Nowhere in Italy is "remote" and flying with a baby is absolutely fine.

All that said, if you don't want to go anymore then just tell her. And if it's true you've blown a fortune on a baby then rethink that too or you'll never have anything. Babies are cheap and they are portable

She didn't need to book 2 years in advance. There was a gap between the wedding being booked and OP getting pregnant. Yet, she didn't book flights? Because if she had and if she'd budgeted ( as a PP said) because this wasn't a random wedding she didn't know about, OP was involved in the planning to have it in Italy and it's her close friend and she's a bridesmaid, then yy she could have made it.

I think this might have ended better if the OP had confronted her friend over her reaction to her pregnancy announcement; it's probably the case that she doesn't realise how it came across, as she does sound self-centred. If the OP had told her how hurt she was, I expect her friend would have apologised, as she clearly values the OP's friendship.

Buried resentments are toxic and destroy friendships.

I think this might have ended better if the OP had confronted her friend over her reaction to her pregnancy announcement; it's probably the case that she doesn't realise how it came across, as she does sound self-centred

As selfish as it was, she was right though! Her fears have come true and OP is no longer attending her wedding.

The more I think about this, the less sense it makes. So you're part of the wedding party but you don't book your hotel room; you don't book flights in advance. You fall pregnant and you don't see your friend or she doesn't notice until you tell her when you're six months pregnant. You don't feel the need to discuss that being pregnant might impact on the dress sizing because no-one knows what size they'll be after having a baby. Then you book a spa day and drop out on the pretext of it being too expensive/a long flight/awkward with a baby (delete as appropriate) with no mention of the dress expenses incurred, etc.